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The Barr Witch Project
by Thomas Canfield

(The scene opens with a grainy video camera showing three men in camping attire seated around a campfire at night. The date of October 31, 1999 flashes briefly in the corner of the screen. The man on the left addresses the camera.)

BARR: Hello, I am Congressman Bob Barr, and these are my good friends, Governor George W. Bush and Senator Strom Thurmond. The three of us have devoted ourselves to prevent the spread of Witchcraft in our society, particularly the performing of Witch rituals by military personnel. That is why the three of us have come into the woods on Halloween night, because we have heard a rumor that some Witches from a local military base are going to be performing rituals worshipping Sam Hane, who is supposed to be their God of the Dead.

THURMOND: I thought he manufactured underwear.

BARR: No, Strom, Sam Hane is one of the festivals of the Witches, and we have come here to capture it on film to show the outraged American voters just what sort of Satanic pagan foolery our military is wasting their tax dollars on. As a Christian nation, we can not allow this sort of activity to go on.

BUSH: That's right, Bob, and when I take control of the New World Order set up by my father, things are going to be different. You know, I don't believe Witchcraft is a real religion, which means they don't have any rights when it comes to First Amendment protection. Also, if they are not a real religion, they don't deserve protection under the civil rights laws, nor under the hate crimes legislation. If there is any group you don't like, then you can just get rid of it by saying it isn't a real religion.

THURMOND: And then we can declare that Negroes aren't real citizens!

BUSH: Let's not go there, Strom!

BARR: Anyway, it's almost the Witching Hour, when the worship of Sam Hane will begin. We are going to venture into the woods with our night-vision goggles, our infra-red camera, and a power pack that can light up a third-world country. If we get lost, we have a cell phone that can summon help within minutes.

THURMOND: We didn't have this sissy stuff when I was invading Normandy. All we had was the light of the Moon and dead-reckoning.

BARR: Well, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. I'm going to call our base camp and let them know we are heading into the woods.

(Barr opens the cell phone, but all that is heard is static.)

THURMOND: Put that thing away! I can't stand the static. It sounds like a broken hearing aid.

BARR: We don't need it right now. Okay, we are heading out, and don't be shocked by what you see.

(The picture clicks off, then turns on to reveal two men sitting on a log. They appear to be talking to each other.)

BUSH: Are those the Witches?

BARR: I don't think so! They have clothes on, and I don't see any women. There should be about a dozen of them dancing around naked.

BUSH: Maybe they're just good old boys out for some hunting.

THURMOND: I don't see any guns. Maybe they're not the NRA.

BARR: There's only two of them. It wouldn't hurt to ask for information.

(The camera moves forward until the seated men are completely in focus.)

BARR: Excuse me, gentlemen, have you seen any Witches?

VLADIMIR: We haven't seen anyone since Pozzo and Lucky left.

BUSH: What are you two doing out here?

ESTRAGON: We're waiting for Godot!

THURMOND: Sounds like you two are foreigners.

BARR: We should do an investigation on this Godot. He could be a Witch leader.

(There is the sound of a cell phone being opened up, and the air is filled with static.)

THURMOND: Will you shut that damned thing off!

BARR: We're still out of range. You fellows haven't seen anyone tonight?

VLADIMIR: No! We're just waiting for Godot.

BUSH: You want to come along on our Witch Hunt?

ESTRAGON: No, we have to keep waiting for Godot.

THURMOND: Don't waste time with them! We have to find the Witches.

(The camera clicks off again. The camera clicks on to reveal Strom Thurmond laughing at the two behind the camera.)

BARR: Are you laughing at us because our shoes are wet?

THURMOND: Where did you boys learn to cross a log like that? I was running across logs before you were born.

BUSH: I don't want to go through the forest in wet shoes. Let's call the base camp and have them bring up dry shoes.

THURMOND: In my day, we could run through the forest without any shoes.

BUSH: Look, we've been wandering around here for hours. We haven't seen any Witches, and I would swear we passed this stream three times. Now let's get some dry shoes.

BARR: Wait a minute! I can't find the cell phone. Did you take it?

BUSH: I didn't touch it. You were the one with the cell phone. You were the one who kept flipping it open every fifteen minutes and getting static. Don't tell me you lost it!

(Strom starts laughing louder. The camera comes menacingly close to his face.)

BARR: Strom, do you know something about the cell phone?

STROM: (Laughing) Yeah, I kicked it into the stream. You couldn't get it to work, and the static was hurting my ears.

(The camera gets closer to Strom's face, and a hand reaches out and grabs his neck.)

BUSH: You kicked away our cell phone? Our link to civilization? Our one chance of getting back to outside world?

BARR: How could you do such a thing? Do you know how much that cost?

(The camera falls to the ground, and there is the sound of punching and kicking. The camera clicks off, then clicks on and Barr is facing the camera.)

BARR: We didn't hurt Strom too much, but he has promised never to kick cell phones into the stream again. Since we haven't found any Witches, we are setting up a tent for the night. We don't think we will find the Witches and their Sam Hane ritual. So, we are going to get some sleep.

(The camera clicks off, then clicks on and the screen is blank. In the distance, there is a sound of yelling and fighting. Faintly, the words "Goddamn you, Michael" and "Heather can't read a map" are heard.)

BARR: Do you hear that?

THURMOND: I don't hear anything!

BUSH: It sounds like a fight is going on. Maybe the Witches are fighting each other?

BARR: I'm going outside to check.

THURMOND: I still don't hear anything.

(The camera scans the scene outside the tent. All that can be seen are bare trees. In the distance, there is the sound of fists hitting flesh, and the grunts of someone being beaten.)

BUSH: Someone is sure getting a thrashing.

THURMOND: I still don't hear anything.

BUSH: Maybe we should call to them?

BARR: I think it's stopped. I can't tell where it was coming from. It sounded like it was all around us.

(The camera clicks off. The camera comes on to reveal that it is daylight. The camera shows a grove of trees, and dangling from the trees are Peace symbols and Greenpeace symbols.)

BARR: Whoa! Look at this!

THURMOND: No redneck is this creative!

BARR: I believe that we have found evidence of Satanic rites being performed in these woods. These were definitely left here by a Witch cult.

BUSH: Uh, Bob, it looks like these are Peace symbols.

THURMOND: Then they're Communist Witches!

BUSH: And these look like environmentalist symbols, too.

BARR: There you have it, my friends! Proof that the military is being infiltrated by peace-loving, environmental-terrorist Witches. They have desecrated this Christian grove with their left-wing Satanic symbols. God only knows that sort of perverted rituals took place here.

BUSH: Uh, Bob, you better take a look at this!

(The camera turns as Bush holds up a sign that says,"Grove decorated by the Burkittsville Girl Scout Troop as part of the 1999 Jamboree.")

THURMOND: Damn! Those Witches have infiltrated the Girl Scouts, too!

(The camera clicks off, and then clicks on to reveal Bush kneeling on the ground in the distance. Strom steps in front of the camera.)

THURMOND: Don't you photograph him crying! That's what destroyed Muskie's political career. Give him five minutes to compose himself. You younger generation just can't take three days without food and water. In my day, we had to go for weeks at a time without food and water, and we made the Negroes go without longer than than.

(The camera clicks off. Then it clicks on to reveal the upper half of Barr's face. His eyes are bloodshot and his nose is running.)

BARR: I am so, so sorry for what has happened here. George W. Bush has run off. Strom and I think we hear him in the night, but he doesn't answer when we call to him. I would like to apologize to the Bush family, if anything has happened to him. I would like to apologize to Strom's family. Finally, I would like to apologize to my wife, my third wife. I love you! I never should have come out here. I'm too scared to close my eyes. I think there are left-wing Witches around everywhere, and I'm afraid they might get us all.

(Barr turns his head and the camera clicks off. The camera turns on to a night scene, and there are sounds of shouting in the distance.)

THURMOND: That's his voice! He sounds like his father!

BARR: It's coming from over there. We've got to find him.

(The camera goes through some underbrush, and then reveals an old house in the distance.)

THURMOND: I think he's shouting from the house.

BARR: Maybe there's a phone inside, and we can call for help.

THURMOND: Just as long as it isn't a cell phone!

(The camera pans up to the front door, revealing the house to be a dilapidated ruin. Strom opens the front door, and leads the way up the stairs. On the broken walls of the house, there are markings that look like Chinese letters, and there is a bit of grafitti that reads: "Monica Sucks. Larry Flynt bites." The camera follows Strom to an upstairs room. Then the sound of shouting can be heard again.)

THURMOND: It's coming from the basement! He's in the basement.

BARR: Strom! Wait!

(Strom hurries out of the room and down the stairs. Barr trips and the camera moves across the floor. He picks up the camera, and keeps calling out as he moves downstairs.)

BARR: Strom! Strom! Strom!

(The camera goes down the stairs and enters a basement room. The camera shows Strom standing in the middle of the room facing the far wall. On the wall is a huge poster that says "Gore 2000". Suddenly, there is a noise of a blow being struck, the camera drops to the floor, films the bare wall for a few seconds, and is shut off.)

"The footage from Congressman Barr's camera was found a year later by Captain Herne Cernunnos, who was scouting the area for a site to be used by the local military Wiccans for their Samhain ritual."

(Also See Peg's Review of this Film and INTERVIEW with the Directors)
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