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VxPoem ID: 23881

Category: personal_life

Posted: August 24th. 2006 7:13:08 AM

Views: 2465 |
So Bitter, sometimes!

by Ladykelshan
 Age Group: Adult

I am sooo bitter, sometimes...but, I wish, I wish to the earth and stars, and planets and the whole universe, that I wasn't!
My life has taken another awful turn, and I just don't feel like taking the extra steps to heal it...I need to get really angry to let all of the steam out..... because I hurt, and I cannot fix it!
I don't want people 'round me constantly saying 'YOu cannot have THAT, any more!" or "You'll just have to wait, and see, if you can eat these foods.. you will just have to wait, and you will just have to obey the rules!!! To hear people say "DId I make myself unclear here?!? You, can no longer eat what you desire, ("You, you must suffer all the rest of your life!") ......
I thought that I COULD manage this disease ALL BY MYSELF! I really thought that I could.!!!!!...... is this a punishment???!!! I often wonder!!!!!!
I also wish like anything, that I could ignore what is smack in front of me...it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS there, looming and lurking right near by.... a feeling of , "extreme anger "towards me....
I don't listen or bow down to the others that try to hinder me from doing what I WANT...., what I so desire..... I get very tired of hearing "if you do this, than I am gonna send you right back where you came from.... I for one, don't wanna see you lose an arm or leg, and or kill yourself slowly, ., , , do this far away from me!!!"
WHere is that wonderous primal scream that could have come out , when I needed it, the other day....at the supermarket? DAMN IT! I cry, but, it doesn't take the anger, the fear, and the depression away..."they" rest and wait , laughing at me behind my back......
I have to go back, and stop the "acting outs", and I MUST grow up, and learn how to "deal" with what I cannot face. I have to stand up, keep the faith, and keep believing...even if it's soooo damn difficult.. even if I might not believe any longer.....
I hold on to me, and I sob and sob....because "I can", and because I needed to , and because it will help to heal the broken parts of me.... and only then will I finally let go and learn.... and start from scratch.. again.....
 Author's Notes: By ladykelshan Written Thursday August 24th, 2006
I had another" bad" day at the supermarket! I didn't listen to a certain somebody and this person was none too pleased with my behavior!!!
I also wanted to buy things, that I have no business buying yet...because I have not seen a nutritionist for my diabetes...so this is really, really hurting me, and I honestly feel like saying "Oh, shut the bleep, up, I am going to eat all of the stuff that I can find for a newly diagnosed diabetic...and eat it..because " the others on the " diabetic message boards, " eat it, and their doctor/nutritionist lets them have it...so I can have it!" WRONG!!!! I hear from my hubby, "well, if you eat that , I am gonna tell you that , I am NOT gonna stand here, and watch your arms and legs fall off, and or , for you to start dying...you make your decision...and if you choose to die, then, I will put you on a plane and send you back where you came from!! Otherwise you wait for the doctors and or the nutritionists!!!"
On top of this, I have just been worried, not sleeping very well, in pain, having mild SLE lupus, and itching from discoid lupus, which scars you, and * that I just found out that I have, * and not to mention , possibly having rhematoid arthritis as well as having been newly diagnosed with the diabetes! This disease, makes you itch BAADDDD!and you can't eat what you used to eat, before... (in some ways, it IS a blessing for me, but, in other ways, honestly, it can be viewed as a CuRsE!!!") I hate this disease, it can go and piss up a damn rope! (I am angry, can't ya tell?!!!!) LOL!

Author's Location: Washington, Washington DC More Poems: Ladykelshan has posted 485 additional poems- View them? Author's Profile: To learn more about Ladykelshan - Click HERE
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