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VxPoem ID: 23881

Category:
personal_life

Posted: August 24th. 2006 7:13:08 AM

Views: 1645

So Bitter, sometimes!

by Ladykelshan

Age Group: Adult


I am sooo bitter,
sometimes...but, I wish,
I wish to the earth and stars,
and planets and the whole
universe, that I wasn't!

My life has taken another
awful turn, and I just don't
feel like taking the extra steps
to heal it...I need to get
really angry to let all of
the steam out.....
because I hurt, and
I cannot fix it!

I don't want people
'round me constantly
saying 'YOu cannot
have THAT, any more!"
or "You'll just have to
wait, and see, if you
can eat these foods..
you will just have to wait,
and you will just have
to obey the rules!!!
To hear people say
"DId I make myself
unclear here?!? You,
can no longer eat
what you desire, ("You,
you must suffer all
the rest of your life!") ......

I thought that I COULD
manage this disease
ALL BY MYSELF!
I really thought
that I could.!!!!!......
is this a punishment???!!!
I often wonder!!!!!!

I also wish like
anything, that I could
ignore what is smack
in front of me...it is
ALWAYS, ALWAYS there,
looming and lurking
right near by....
a feeling of ,
"extreme anger "towards
me....

I don't
listen or bow down to
the others that try to
hinder me from doing
what I WANT...., what
I so desire.....
I get very tired of hearing
"if you do this, than I am
gonna send you right back
where you came from....
I for one, don't wanna see
you lose an arm or leg,
and or kill yourself slowly, ., , ,
do this far away from me!!!"

WHere is that wonderous
primal scream that could have
come out , when I needed it, the
other day....at the supermarket?
DAMN IT!
I cry, but, it doesn't take the
anger, the fear, and the
depression away..."they" rest
and wait , laughing at me
behind my back......

I have to go back, and
stop the "acting outs", and I
MUST grow up, and learn
how to "deal" with what I cannot
face.
I have to stand up, keep the faith,
and keep believing...even if it's
soooo damn difficult..
even if I might not believe
any longer.....

I hold on to me, and I
sob and sob....because
"I can", and because I
needed to , and because
it will help to heal the
broken parts of me....
and only then will I finally
let go and learn....
and start from scratch..
again.....




Author's Notes: By ladykelshan
Written Thursday August 24th, 2006

I had another" bad" day at the supermarket!
I didn't listen to a certain somebody and this person was none too pleased with my behavior!!!

I also wanted to buy things, that I have
no business buying yet...because I have not
seen a nutritionist for my diabetes...so
this is really, really hurting me, and I
honestly feel like saying "Oh, shut the bleep, up, I am going to eat all of the stuff that I can find for a newly diagnosed diabetic...and eat it..because " the others on the " diabetic message boards, " eat it, and their doctor/nutritionist lets them have it...so I can have it!"
WRONG!!!!
I hear from my hubby, "well, if you eat that , I am gonna
tell you that , I am NOT gonna stand here, and watch your arms and legs fall off, and or , for you to start dying...you make your decision...and if you choose to die, then, I will put you on a plane and send you back where you came from!! Otherwise you wait for the doctors and or the nutritionists!!!"

On top of this, I have just been worried, not sleeping very well, in pain, having mild SLE lupus, and itching from discoid lupus, which scars you, and * that I just found out that I have, * and not to mention , possibly having rhematoid arthritis as well as having been newly diagnosed with the
diabetes! This disease, makes you itch BAADDDD!and you can't eat what you used to eat, before... (in some ways, it IS a blessing for me, but, in other ways, honestly, it can be viewed as a CuRsE!!!")
I hate this disease, it can go and piss up a damn rope!
(I am angry, can't ya tell?!!!!)
LOL!


Author's Location: Washington, Washington DC
More Poems: Ladykelshan has posted 485 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Ladykelshan - Click HERE
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