VxPoem ID: 8557
Posted: January 9th. 2005 7:40:19 PM
Self Mutilation (Read with Caution)
Age Group: Adult
Darkness, pain, and confusion where within me and all around me.
My heart and soul were drowned in hate, fear, and loss. There wasn't much hope to be found.
My mind didn't understand why I hurt so bad. Sadness haunted me like you will never know.
Nothing was real to my mind, it could not find reasons for my heart and soul to be so smashed.
Time passed and the pain grew inside as well as out. I tried to let it go. I cried, I screamed, I fought, but nothing worked. Somehow I had to relate what I felt with my emotions to my physical.
So I cut my self to help let the pain go. I felt the pain inside just as I felt the cold razor on my arm and the sting of the cut and the warm blood drip upon my leg.
The pain was real now. I had something to associate the pain inside with. But I had no idea the vicious cycle that I had unleashed. Now no matter what the upset the razor went to my arm to release my feelings. At it's peak I remember how any cuts were on my arm (to many) . My body got cold but I didn't think about death just that the pain was gone. I got a long sleeve shirt to warm up. Its only now I realize how close I got to death that night.
Somehow my school found out, I shoed the counselor my massacred arm with dozens and dozens of cuts. Some new some old some healed. I thought I was safe and they wouldn't say anything. I was wrong.
My mother was informed of what I had done and she picked me up from school and started to cry while driving down the road. She stop at a light and said with so much pain, worry, frustration, anger and utter depression "Show me your arm" I heisted and finally did. She shook her head and cried louder. She screamed "Don't do this to me what are you doing? I can't lose another child" Referring to my sister ho died before on complete revolution of the earth around the sun. She screamed again "I love you your my first child I would kill and die for you". Then there was silence.
She took me to a doctor where they looked at my arm. She cried and broke down again when she looked at my arm.
It hurt me so bad to hurt my Mom I never had seen her in so much pain. I didn't mean to I was just trig to cope with my pain. It made me step back and look at what was going on. However, the subject was never talked about again by my Mom.
I wish she would have held me and not let me go. Instead she worried about her not me. Why Mom couldn't you see how much I needed you to kiss, hug, and love my pain away. Instead you ran like always.
Somehow I realized cutting myself was not the way. I started to write instead. I started to see and as the Gods to reveal the true me. I found myself before it was to late. It sucks I had to do it myself but it was worth it and now I know.
But there was a time when self mutilation was all I had. Sometimes thoughts still creep in my head. But I remember it's not worth it to hurt me or others, like my Mom. Cause even though then my mind was cloudy and I didn't know why people did what they did.
I see now. I see now. And I. Understand. It just takes time. So hold on.
Author's Notes: Sorry for such a sad writing but I thought it might be good for someone going through it. I hope it does not offend anyone. If anyone who reads this is cutting themselves please seek help they know a lot about this now and have places to go. I know it is really hard but the Goddess and God will help you. I hope that this gives some insight to mabey a parent or friend of someone who is doing this to themselves. If anyone would like to talk about this please let me know. I know where you are coming from. I made it through it. Also sorry about the grammar but I just wanted to write and not worry about that so I can get my point across. Not my most flowly of works but still probably my most powerful. I really feel a lot inside to say but i will let the above writing speak.
Blessed Be to all and may the sun and moon shine on your path always.
Author's Location: Chevy Chase, Maryland
More Poems: Llugh has posted 21 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Llugh - Click HERE
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