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VxPoem ID: 30411

Category:
personal_life

Posted: September 27th. 2007 5:30:22 PM

Views: 888

In Memoriam

by Julian the Apostate

Age Group: Adult


The light of Love has never shone forth so brightly from anyone
As it has from you.
Radiant, beautiful, pure - that lambent white light
At the center of my universe,
That brilliant painful light
At the center of my heart.
Ideal Love, elusive, a bird, a dove
Shining forth more strongly from you
Than from anyone before.

I know that I ruined this -
Descent into the real, the human -
Tearing the Ideal you away
From the you in my ife
All of those fights - they killed me too, you know.
All of those little separations - tearing us apart
Killing us.
I know that what I did was wrong
Regret and sorrow - I'm sorry
I know that I was wrong.

The Universe has a way of evening things out
Karma? Not exactly...
But the will of the Gods - your God
A mystery, grasped by the soul, eluding the mind.
A teaching of lessons, a journey through life
The completion of being, of human being.
You - the will of the Gods - taught me a lesson
You - the vehicle of light and wonder and beauty.
You made me more human.
You - who I abused and took for granted
You - the love of my life -
But I knew I couldn't stay.
You served some cosmic purpose in my life, but what?
If not to be mine forever, my love
(And I yours) , than what?
To teach me this lesson, bring the Ideal to earth.
You - this vehicle of heartache , betrayal,
Of aching, stinging pain
You - this vessel of the Gods.

The Universe has a way of evening out,
Of making things right - of taking us where we need to go.
Now that light of Love, elusive - a bird, a dove -
Has flown to another, alights upon others
Though my heart still breaks for you
Whose Love I threw away.
Now that it is gone, everything stripped away
Mutual recrimination - anger, lies, hatred, betrayal -
I love you still, want you still, need you still.
The Gods gave to me what I deserve
I know Aphrodite is wicked,
Eros bears a burning flame.
Maybe it wasn't you who I ever loved at all,
But the idea of you (is everything in the mind?)
The Ideal, my own Ideal Love.
Yet there's something about you
Closer to that Ideal than anyone's ever been before
Despite the things that I said, that I did.
I hate myself for it, but I love you still.

I can only hope that the Universe adjusts itself again
Evens out
Throws you too into burning, aching pain;
Shatters your foundations, destroys everything that you know.
I can only hope that the Gods strike at you someday
As they have at me
Through Love, through this -
Lies and deceit, theft of memories,
Crumbling of a world.
And then may you think of me, through all the searing pain.
And know, though I deserve it, what I feel right now.
May you then feel for me, this gripping, rending pain
And feel for me, a spasm of Love once again
In place of this hate, this coldness, this desire for revenge.
Love me, then, for a moment once more...
In Memoriam.

copyright Julian Rose 2007




Author's Location: Akron, Ohio
More Poems: Julian the Apostate has posted 2 additional poems- View them?
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