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Posted: December 4th. 2012 5:51:40 AM

Views: 261

Crisis of Faith: My Story

by Dwenellian

Age Group: Adult

As a young teen I found a particular solace in Pagan traditions. My first experience with practicing was when I entered Highschool and discovered that a friend of mine was Wiccan. He explained to my skeptical 14 year old self that having being raised Catholic, for most of his life he'd felt outcast and broken because his family's religion painted him as something condemnable. He was gay, and though his family loves him still, their faith and the faith he was raised with considers his sexual preference a great sin. He told me that it wasn't until he discovered the Wiccan community and their open acceptance of him, that he felt he was a worthy person.
Having spent most of my young life feeling different and un-accepted I jumped at finding a place where I felt that I could fit in. I feverishly borrowed all the literature I could from my new friend and devoured all the information I could find on Pagan and Wiccan traditions. Soon I was branching out, exploring Voodoo, Druidic, Norse, Ancient Egyptian, Greco/Roman and even digging into obscure Babylonian practices. At one point I thought to find a teacher, however my location proved making that possibility difficult and I soon abandoned the idea. I did however find friends with similar, albeit, darker interests then my own. We worked well enough together that we could practice without infringing on one another's personal boundaries. We formed a loose circle where we shared information and experiences, trading knowledge and favors where convenient.
A year after graduating Highschool our little group, we were a loose circle of six sometimes seven, still kept in contact though several of us discontinued practicing. I was one of the few still regularly meditating, practicing and seeking out new knowledge and skills. I'd even begun teaching a young friend of mine. Though it was mostly to monitor his progress and to contain the darker influences of his other friends, some of whom were among my old circle. I wanted him to be aware but remain, as uninfluenced by those practices as possible.
However my students training came to an abrupt halt when I experienced the most horrible thing a young, nieve, person can experience. My first taste of true betrayal.
A new member of my old circle, a boy who had been dating my Sister, attempted to murder her and her two former lovers. All of whom were circle members. He tried using me to do it. I was supposed to drive him to the meeting where, unknown to me, he would kill them. By some stroke of foresight or fortune, I put the pieces together and wrecked my car to stop him. Nearly killing us both in the process.
Shaken, mentally battered and bruised I returned to College, my old circle almost completely disband and we returned as best as we could to our normal lives. Four moths later however, my student was not so lucky and died, along with two others, in a car wreck under eerily similar physical conditions.
It's been nearly three years and I haven't truly practiced since.
Did I somehow trade the lives of circle members for the lives of my student and his two friends?
Did my cheating Fate, as my friend believes I did, somehow unbalance the scales?
Did I effect so irrevocable a change that it cost three young teens their lives?
Every time I try to truly practice, these questions present themselves. Every time, I am unable to carry through even the smallest act. Even meditation, a practice I was once able to fall into with little effort, has become a trial.
Do I continue to practice? Do I continue not to and loose a huge personal identifier in my life?
How exactly does one end a crisis of faith?

Author's Notes: This is my personal narrative and the questions I frequently ask both of myself and others. Questions, constructive comments and advice are all appreciated. Please confine questions of a personal nature to private messaging and email.

Author's Location: Murphy, Texas
More Poems: Dwenellian has posted 3 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Dwenellian - Click HERE
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