VxPoem ID: 5435
Posted: August 4th. 2004 9:52:05 PM
by Rose'Ena Tanu
Age Group: Adult
So many questions torment my mind.
What am I? What am I supposed to do?
Corridors present while trying to find,
The center of me I should know.
This Transition leaves me tossed,
As whirlwinds race in my thoughts.
I find myself lost
Wondering what will be the cost,
As I change from what I am,
To what I apparently should be.
But these torments ask me blame
For all that happened to me.
I hear of others who have suffered
And I wonder why I thought I had it so bad
But then the pain hits unbuffered
Making me more than just simply sad.
I wonder why I lived so long
Without any knowledge of myself
And now I’m drawn along
By currents harsh on the shelf
My mind has made
To keep me happier.
But the barriers fade,
Slowly leaving me deeper.
The past haunts my days and dreams
Though I’m supposed to be getting better
Now the agony hits and seems
To be no weaker days later.
But what is happening to me?
Power surges without remark,
And I don’t know what will be.
Something is changing in this dark
That drifts within my body.
Mayhap will be better in the end,
But I have to wonder why’s it so foggy?
But I hope I won’t have to fend
By myself, all alone.
I’m Changing, somehow.
Hanging on to naught but the bone
That is all that remains now
Of all I was.
Mayhap I shouldn’t fuss.
But I’m frightened,
Uncertain and somehow tainted.
I must let go of what was done
And become what this one
Is supposed to be.
But I find that this maybe
Harder than I can take
But the Transition should make
The Creature I was into the Creature I will be.
So mote it be.
Copyright 2004 SEK
Author's Notes: Ok... I don't know if this will help me in the long run or not. I've been told I need to let out the pain and rage I've held onto for so long, so that I can become what I'm supposed to be. So maybe this will help heal me. I can't be sure. Like I say in one of the lines, everyone around me keeps telling me about how bad their lives have been and I have to wonder why I thought mine was so bad. The physical, mental and emotional abuse I went through seems like nothing compared to the people's I know. But I'm still suffering from it. I still can't stand to be around my peers too much. And the thought of being touched, even by those closest to me, is still usually repellent. I've survived being raped by a member of my family when I was really little. I lived most of my childhood without friends, the pariah of the town. Even today, though I have many people I talk to, I still have few friends. I've blocked out most of my past, because I don't want to remember. Especially those times when I retaliated against my oppresors. I hate hurting people and still am guilty when I think of the things I did to try and prove that though they hurt me, I could hurt them back. I know now I'm not supposed to do that, but I still sometimes get flashes of times when I felt strong because I pushed them back. And then the pain from when they redoubled their efforts to break my mind, my very soul. I know I did foolish things back then too, though I can't remember then all the time. And those I grew up around did bad things to me. I remember being hit with books and lunch boxes... I remember being tied to the bus chair by my shoelaces... I remember the laughter when I couldn't run or play sports well... I remember being outcast because I wanted to learn rather than be fashionable... I remember trying to be accepted and being mocked by candied words... My hand held out in friendship but it being knocked aside by people who I thought just considered me a freak... I remember being called monster, demon, and many other things, nicknames that torment me still... And I remember wondering why these people would or even could do this... I kind of guess now that they could sense something about me, something that was different, scary to them... But I never wanted to hurt them... I never wanted to put that one boy in the hospital from a single hit... I've tried to hard to keep that dangerous side of myself locked away but it keeps coming out. Somehow I have to accept that part of me, let it become part of my whole, but I'm so afraid of it and of what I can do when it comes out. Maybe talking about all of this will help me get over it. Maybe soemday soon I'll be able to accept the Love my real friends send my way without wondering why they would do that, and what they want from me. Maybe someday I'll be able to see myself as the people around me today say they see me, not as the people I knew saw me, a monster, a freak. This struggle for Me is long from over. Though maybe this battle has finally begun to turn so that the war will begin to end. Wish me luck! I have a terrible feeling I'm going to need a lot more of it than I've ever had to this date. Blessed be, everyone who reads this and understands!
Author's Location: Charlottesville, Virginia
More Poems: Rose'Ena Tanu has posted 58 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Rose'Ena Tanu - Click HERE
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