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Question of the Week: 113

Pagan Problem Children: What Can We Do About Them?

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112. Elders: Who Are They and Do We Really Need Them? - [74]

111. So, You’re Dead. Now What? - [59]

110. What’s Your Favorite Element? - [119]

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108. Do You Speak Pagan Geek? - [38]

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106. What Is Your Inner Animal? - [127]

105. Are Pagans TOO Individualistic? - [56]

104. Have You Changed Your Mind About the War in Iraq? - [258]

103. What Are You Reading? - [95]

102. Do Interfaith Conferences/ Discussions Work? - [29]

101. Have You Made Any Extra Security Preparations? - [85]

100. Why Are You A Pagan or Heathen? - [142]

99. What Moon Phase Are You In? - [70]

98. Would You Live In A Haunted House? - [166]

97. What Natural Objects Are On Your Altar? - [103]

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95. How Do You Feel About War? - [153]

94. Who Would Make Your Pagan/Heathen Who’s Who List? - [91]

93. Should Pagans Apply For Federal Funds? - [56]

92. What Do You See in 2003? - [47]

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89. Bah-Humbug! Are You Offended by Christmas? - [173]

88. Are We Alone in The Universe? - [67]

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80. Polytheist, Monotheist, Dualist or Other? - [104]

79. Have You Switched Pagan Paths? - [110]

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67. What Is Music? - [18]

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11. Hollywood Hype - [74]

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9. Pagan Jokes and Humorous Stories - [37]

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7. The Ethics of Magick and Spellwork - [43]

6. What are YOU planning for Mabon-Autumn Equinox? - [14]

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 Author:    Posted: Sep. 8, 2002   This Page Viewed: 28,390,275  

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Question of the Week: 9 - 10/2/2000

Pagan Jokes and Humorous Stories

Pagan Jokes and Humorous Stories seem to be just the ticket to get us in the mood to celebrate our bestest Holiday season. This can be your personal story of 'magick gone awry' or your favorite "How many Pagans does it take..." joke. C'mon! We dare ya! Just try and make us laugh!

 Reponses:   There are 37 responses posted to this question. Reverse Sort 

I Don't Have A Story That Would Make Others Laugh, But I... Oct 2nd. at 1:25:13 am EDT

Nelli (Carmel Valley, California US) Age: 23 - Email

I don't have a story that would make others laugh, but I do have a story about what powerful magic laughter can be.
I have been a solitaire almost continuously since I discovered wicca, but there was a brief period in high school when I was a part of a very small coven - there were three of us. We would gather outside maybe once a month, kind of near full moons, and perform little rituals - mostly consisting of calling the quarters, doing guided meditations, and smiling nervously at each other. None of us were very good at ritual choreography, we never even wrote any kind of outline about what we wanted to do - we just went out, lit a small fire and some candles, and went with it. One night, we had finished calling the quarters and were coming out of a guided meditation to the usual awkward silence. We sat there for a moment, looking at each other and then gazing into the fire, and suddenly, uncontrollably, we all burst out laughing. For no reason, really, but we laughed, as only teenage girls can, for at least 15 minutes before we could look at each other without cracking up again. And then, by silent consensus, we closed the circle and went to get late-night snacks. We had acheived, in a way we never had before, total rapport with each other and total abandonment to the joy of the universe. Celebration, worship and magic, without a word spoken. I have never since been a part of any ritual quite so refreshing, energizing and powerful.
Laughter is good medecine, as our some of our Native American compatriots might say; it is a very powerful magic.
Love, laughter, and blessings,

These Aren't Mine, Though I Might've Altered Some Of Them To My... Oct 2nd. at 1:40:15 am EDT

ChaosMoth (Mountain View, California US) Age: 16 - Email

These aren't mine, though I might've altered some of them to my liking.

Q. How many Gardnerians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. That's a third degree secret.

Q. How many family traditionalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Ask your mother!

Q. How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. A blue fish Tuesday.

Q. How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to hold the chair and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east German machine tools.

Q. How many sex magicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but they have to be very small.

These are kinda brazenly stolen from here:

There's also the Chicken Witch jokes, and othersuch, here:

And that contains a much less funny version of this -- which I read a long, long time ago:

The Thunder God went for a ride
Upon his favorite filly.
"I'm THOR!" he cried.
The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

There is a much more raunchy variation of the same wordplay available; look up +"tho thor" +pith at Altavista, which is not working for me right now, or I'd have given you a url.

As for stories of magick gone awry, I have only the one: I bought a very nice crystal pendulum at Renfaire, and while I was shopping, my friends disappeared. I wandered around, feeling sun-addled and frustrated; I encountered another group of acquaintances, but they couldn't help me. Anyway, after I'd circled back two or three times, I asked the pendulum to point the way to my friends . . . It swung consistently in a certain direction, and I followed, though it was the opposite of the way I'd thought they were going. Then I spotted my other acquaintances again, and suddenly realized that the pendulum was pointing to these people, because I'd encountered them more recently! I should've been more specific . . . I did find my group shortly thereafter.

--the Me

I Don't Have Any Pagan Jokes... But I Do Have A Rather... Oct 2nd. at 5:30:10 am EDT

Callisto (Toronto, Ontario CA) Age: 21 - Email

I don't have any pagan jokes... but I do have a rather humourous story to tell.
On Samhain night about 3 years small coven and I (which consisted of 3 girls) needed a place to do the Sabbat ritual. We could not do it at any of our houses or backyards because some of us were not allowed to burn candles and incence at home or lived in really not so private areas.
So we decided to pick this one park in East Toronto.. a park which was reputed to be a hideout for rapists, drug dealers and such. We took the bus there at around 11pm..all of us carrying backpacks and looking a little nervous. We were actually petrified of going to this park but we decided to just go for it anyway. The first funny thing that happened was when the bus stopped in front of the park and we started to get off..the bus driver said to us..."be girls aren't going to go and do drugs in there or something right?" We obviously said no..but the whole thing felt just like out of "The Craft" when they were going on their field trip and the bus driver there said to "watch out for those weirdos" We went down the path which lead to the parking lot of the park feeling a bit unnerved. As we walked through the parking lot there were a few cars in there and a bunch of guys sitting or leaning on them. We passed through their hollers and hoots and the neverending "psst psst"
We went a little deeper into the park and we decided not to go further just in case we get lost (this park is huge). We set up an altar and began the ritual. Our ritual was filled with interruptions because a car parked down the road to us(there was a dirt road next to us) and 3 people(2 guys and a girl) decided to have a threesome there.
We ignored them to the best of our abilites..and somehow got through the ritual...but after when we were scrying ...the people came out of the car and started walking toward us..(at that time we were all in the "broom-closet") we quickly tried to hide our faces but we couldn't because we had so many candles lit. The group walked past us..talking in hurried whispers..they went down the other side of the road..sat down on a log for a while..and walked back to their car... once again passing by us. They got into their car and then started driving towards us..we immediately quickly closed the circle and extinguished all our candles and dumped everything in our backpacks and then leapt into a bunch of bushes..trying to hide from the car. The car's lights were shining right into the bushes..then..we all made a run for it..we were so scared..we had no idea what these people were going to do. As we ran downhill towards the parking lot..the car was following us very slowly..we ran even faster..tripping over ourselves out of fear. Eventually the car turned back. As we reached the bus stop all out of breath..we all concluded that those people were probably just as afraid of us as we were of them. Also..we thought that we peaked their curiosity and that's why they drove in their car towards where we set up our altar. They at least had their car to protect them...we on the other hand had just our legs. But thankfully it all turned out alright. We never did go back to that park because it became even more notorious for rapists and drug dealing and people's bodies being found there. Now we can practice indoors..where it's safe from all those weirdos out there :)

Pagan Pride Day, 1999, In Denver, Colorado Was The Site Of My... Oct 2nd. at 10:57:57 am EDT

Faren (Smithdale, Mississippi US) Age: 26 - Email

Pagan Pride Day, 1999, in Denver, Colorado was the site of my humorous story.

The event was going well with many Pagans milling around laughing, talking, and having a great time. It was a perfect day...the sun was shining, the birds were signing, and the wind was a gentle breeze. For many there, this was the first public ritual they had attended and more than a few were nervous about the upcoming ritual. :)

Finally, the time had come for all those in attendance to make their way over to the altar for the public ritual. It was a lovely sight to see with the altar nestled in the center of a clearing of oak trees, the quarters marked by bundles of corn stalks tie with brillant corresponding ribbons, and the perfect semi-circle surrounding the whole thing.

Upon seeing this perfect semi-circle, one of the coordinators shouted, "A circle has more than two sides. Come on, people! We're Pagans! We can make a circle!"

Everyone laughed and the semi-circle spread out and became a circle so that the ritual happened without a hitch. Until a good stiff wind came along and blew all the corn stalk bundles over. Oddly enough, they all fell so that the tops were pointing toward the altar. They were set back to rights and the event continued...marked by the tell-tale sound of a corn stalk bundle falling over from time to time.

It was a great day! :)

Well I've A Quite Unusual Story From A Few Years Ago When... Oct 2nd. at 11:07:16 am EDT

Michael (Dublin, European Union, Ireland) Age: 22 - Email

Well I've a quite unusual story from a few years ago when I was not yet a pagan (or anything else for that matter). It is completely true, but then it's not that strange of a tale...
I was just finished my first year of college, and it was nearing the end of the summer, so before returning to the toil and struggle of college life (actually college was great fun), we wanted to go on a camping trip.
Well we (two blokes and two girls with me) started in a forest in the Wicklow mountains, this was pretty good fun, we enjoyed ourselves and had a few tinnies etc. Well most of this little holiday went on like this for a while, nothing too exciting happened untill we arrived at Glendalough, which is a lake up in (more on top) the Wicklow mountains surrounded by a forest and an ancient monastry.
We arrived late in the night and we only had one torch between us so the going was a bit difficult.
Because it was so late and dark we were prepared to camp anywhere that was dry and shaded.
Glendalough is a national heritage park, so officially nobody is allowed to camp there, but we were desperate and a little lost, so we found a small shade on the bank of the lake that was hidden from view from most angles.
I'm not sure how we managed to set up camp, but we did it and were pretty comfie and had a bit to eat. We played cards and chatted and went to sleep....

Untill very late that night we were awoken by the sound of drums... just a fast beat on an animal hide drum. Naturally we were a little curious, so we crawled out of our meagre residence, and sure enough the sound was coming accross the lake from what appeared to be a distant bonfire. We could hear people chatting an having a general good time.

Being the social fellows we were, we sent signals accross the lake with our torch (easilly spotted at night), and recieved a corresponding signal back.
So off we went is search of adventure and companionship (there might be girls there... mmmmmm!!).
It took a while to reach them but we got a very friendly welcome, they kind of assumed we were there as part of the same gathering. The bonfire itself and the main gathering of people was just a mite trickey to reach. It was down along the rock cliff face a little (this side was right into the mountain itself), down between the rocks was a grotto of sorts, there surrounding a large cauldren was a group of very normal looking people brewing some vile concoction.
At the head of them sitting on a rock was this impressive fellow of elderly years, donning a great big grey beard, a cloak/ robe and a big stick topped with a brass knob. Yes you have guessed it, a druid of sorts was brewing something interesting in this grotto.
Well basicly he was chucking leaves of plants and this and that into this caludren cooking away, untill he looked satisfied with his work and sat down to enjoy a drink.
Well I found this all very interesting and basicly sat down to have a chat with those gathered, I got the strong impression that everyone there had a great deal of respect for the Druid fellow, and always seemed to treat him with great affection.
Well two of my more impressionable friends (who were also not pagans then and not now), decided that they wanted a drink.

Well they basicly went wandering off into the forest talking to the trees and anything else that was within range. Essentially they lost their sences, and i did not get any sence out of them untill the next day when they explained that the drink was certainly no "Ordinary" drink, the poor fellows spent the entire night watching trees leapfrogging over each other and talking to them.. pretty odd stuff.
Whatever was in the pot was pretty potent and homemade, and left them feeling a little foolish about drinking strange murkey fluids.

At any rate a year or two later I spoke to someone about it in passing in the Porter House on Dublins Quays, who it turned out has also been there that night.
He explained a little what happened that night, it seems that it was a rather important astrological event, which drew lots of people from all parts of the world for some not-too-well defined reason, it just happens. Strange indeed.
What was particulary odd was that a large portion of people there are from a town called Newbridge, and that it has been going on for quite a long time... he could not tell me how it started.

Well I hope my tale entertained you,
And do keep your ears and eyes open when next in Irelands Glendalough...

And the big question I'm asking myself is... if it draws people from far and wide for no discernable reason and no knowledge of the event.. was my turning up there pure chance, or was our arrival just part of this odd drawing power????

What do you think??

Happy Samhain,

HereÕs A Quick Story To Illustrate The Joys Of Worship In A... Oct 2nd. at 11:14:57 am EDT

Dorothy Bixler (Macomb, Illinois US) Age: 24 - Email

HereÕs a quick story to illustrate the joys of worship in a public place.

Last year several local Pagans (including myself) attended the Take Back the Night rally here on our collage campus. The event ended in a park downtown in our relatively small (22, 000) town with the large majority of attendees going to a local coffee house to enjoy a singer sponsored by the event coordinators.

Well, we Pagans, enjoying a night together, decided to do a small circle including a few chants. We were sitting there, quietly singing ÒAir I Am...Ó when I see a man kind of circling around us, eyeballing us suspiciously. I didnÕt think to much of it, figuring heÕs just curious. He slowly inches forward, and before we knew it had stuck a microphone right in the middle of our impromptu circle. The entire circle of seven or so of us stopped and looked at the man like he was a lunatic, as all the raised energy comes crashing down.
Turned out he was a reporter from a radio station looking for a scoop. We politely explained that this was a private group and that the official event was over at the coffee house. Guess he was hoping to break the news to listeners that the local feminists have been taken over by Òthem Godless heathensÓ. It totally ruined the circle, but we wandered back to campus laughing all the way.

Needless to say, there are a few of us around town who to this day canÕt do ÒAir I AmÓ without a smile!

First A Joke: What's A Zen Witch? Answer: Two Pieces Of Bread... Oct 2nd. at 11:45:37 am EDT

Trish Telesco (western , New York US) Age: 40 - Email

First a joke: what's a zen witch?
Answer: Two pieces of bread with nothing between them.

Auntie Trish's Story time: Many years ago (no, I'm not telling how many) mother nature's sense of humor came home to me quite clearly. I was standing near a fire at a gathering with a goblet in one hand and my staff in the other. There were no chairs or flat surfaces nearby and I really needed to strech out my back. So, I simply raised both arms and craned my head with everything in tow, looking quite as if I was about to invoke something! At just that moment an air pocket in the fire exploded in a huge bundle of sparks and flashy lights. This caused the person next to me to eye me up and down, think for a moment, then remark "hey, not bad!"

My Story Is Humorous In The Sense That When Working Magick; Sometimes... Oct 2nd. at 1:35:05 pm EDT

Siren of Phoenix (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania US) Age: 23 - Email

My story is humorous in the sense that when working magick; sometimes things work out far more literally than you might expect. This happened right after I started to practice magick. I was feeling a bit broke one day and decided to invent my own prosperity spell. Living in my sorority house, the only place I could work undisturbed was my bathroom; also because I could let my candles burn down in the tub without them blown out. I had a few green candles going and decided to wrap a gold coin in some green felt. I wanted to use water to 'cleanse' away the negative energies and was kneeling down in front of the I dunked the charms into the toilet (water WAS INDEED clean).

About a week later I was putting my makeup on in the bathroom and knocked my purse over. All the coins in my purse (coincidentally gold) fell into the toilet bowl. Running late, I fished them out of the toilet and dried them off by rolling them up in a green towel...

Exactly what I had done the week before! I guess my spell worked so that I would be fishing money from the toilet! ;) I was amused, and have since taken care to *think things through, first!*

I Have Two Stories To Tell About The Not-too-subtle Touch Of The... Oct 2nd. at 4:16:49 pm EDT

Amethyst Rowan (Ottawa, Ontario CA) Age: 23 - Email

I have two stories to tell about the not-too-subtle touch of the Goddess.

At a Beltane ritual put on by a Pagan student group, the organizers had decided to appoint a May Queen and May King from the crowd. Well, I became the May Queen, but there were only two men present, so a woman who claimed to have an unusually high testosterone count volunteered to be King. Our union was represented by each of us being given a stick of incense, lighting them, and then holding them together (like a married couple holds the knife to cut the cake) as we walked around the people to bless them. One of the attendees complained that this symbol "wasn't very graphic". As she finished speaking, my stick of incense began to curl over, ultimately to encircle the King's stick. The person admitted that that was graphic enough for her!

As I was walking to a Pagan meeting on a university campus one dark evening, I found myself getting a little annoyed with the large, brightly lit Catholic church I had to pass directly in front of on my way to the correct building. I thought how incongruous it was that the same university that had a Pagan group as well as other religious student groups should still require me to walk past floodlit crosses and Catholic statues to get to such a meeting. I wished that the Catholics wouldn't be so, well, blatant about it all. At least they could use less in the way of lighting...

As I was thinking this, at the moment I stepped directly in front to the church steps, my matron Goddess manifested beside me, one hand in mine. I could *sense* a mischievous smile on her face, and her other arm making a gesture at the church. Then she disappeared. All the lights on and around the church went right out! So did all the other lights on campus! My first thought was a stunned "did I do that?" I ran into the building for my meeting calling, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

We did most of the meeting by candle light, or emergency generator lights. It's an experience I still think of when the Gods seem too remote.

This Isn't As Funny As Trish's Story (opinion# 812), But It's Still... Oct 2nd. at 11:01:17 pm EDT

Melanie Pohl (Auburn Hills, Michigan US) Age: 20 - Email

This isn't as funny as Trish's story (Opinion# 812), but it's still fairly amusing....

This semester I'm taking "Introduction to Religion" at school. The first night of class it was raining pretty heavily (we're talking major Michigan rain storm where you can't see two feet in front of you). Well, the professor wanted us to go around the room and introduce ourselves, briefly describe our religious background, and say why we decided to take the course, etc.

My turn came and I told how I was loosely raised Episcopalian and how I was now a witch. I got the usual mixed responses (some who knew what it was really about, some who thought they knew, some who didn't have a clue, some who didn't believe me, some who were maybe a little nervous because they didn't understand, etc.). One of the women there asked "Do you do spells?", to which several of the students chuckled. At that exact moment, a very LOUD crack of thunder sounded directly overhead which silenced the class immediately. They all just kind of looked at me for a moment.

A voice from the back of the room spoke up and said "I guess that's a 'yes'."

Thankfully, that did ease the tension enough to let me properly answer the question. I was instantly amused (as is my nature) but I was also a bit concerned there for a second that Nature might have inadvertantly given a not-so-good first impression of me.

But, all is well....
: )

About Five Years Ago, Our Coven Had Visitors For Our Ostara Circle... Oct 3rd. at 8:27:00 am EDT

Sheri (St. Petersburg, Florida US) Age: 37 - Email

About five years ago, our coven had visitors for our Ostara circle. Specifically, the significant other of a member was coming to circle for the first time. Tom was not Wiccan, but sort of a Pagan-leaning agnostic, who was very active in the Golden Dawn, and he was attending his first circle in an effort to learn more about his sweetheart's religion.

Because of his presence, we kept the ritual short and light. We were nearly finished, and were singing and dancing to wind up the circle when we heard *footsteps* approaching through the abandoned orange orchard to the rear of the property. All of us froze, certain that a drunk redneck was about to come stumbling onto this scene - skyclad Witches, an altar alight with mind raced with possible reactions, everything from "We're rehearsing a play" to "Get off our property". But as we watched and listened tensely, the footsteps reached the edge of the woods, and crossed them, and there was *no one there*. They continued to the perimeter of the circle, marked with rope, where the image of the Horned God became visible. While we watched, holding our breath, Tom crossed from one end of the circle to the other, purposefully, until he stood directly before the God. He turned to face the rest of us, and Herne settled onto him as though he were donning a cloak. Stunned, we all dropped to our knees, as He walked around each of us in turn, and then ran, bellowing like an Elk, into the forest. No one spoke for a moment; then we quickly shut down the circle and went inside. Amongst ourselves, we conferred as to the meaning of this rather blatant sign, and confirmed that all of us had experienced it, and no, we were not hallucinating.

After about half an hour, we heard footsteps again. This time it was Tom, returning to the house. Naked, covered in mud, with sticks in his hair. He came into the house, as dignified as it was possible to be under the circumstances. He retrieved his glasses from the shelf, placed them carefully on his nose, cleared his throat, and said, in a slightly aggrieved voice: "Well. THAT wasn't very hermetic". LOL

He later became our high priest, consecrated, naturally, to Herne. (Note: he died in 1998 from an undiagnosed heart ailment, but we will always remember him best covered in mud, recovering from his 'conversion experience').

True Story.... My Pagan (druid) Children Have Had A Very Hard Time... Oct 3rd. at 10:32:12 am EDT

Carolyne Kleinman (Asnee') (Round Rock, , Texas US) Age: 42 - Email

True story....

My Pagan (Druid) children have had a very hard time with friendships in the "buckle of the Bible Belt" and as a result, have maintained one friendship with a child from an agnostic family. Recently, two Wiccan children moved into the neighborhood and the resulting play has seen relief from all parents involved. The neighborhood landscaping crew came through, and a small frog was injured by their efforts. I heard a thundering of small feet on the patio as the children came up asking if they could take some of the aloe vera growing there for the hurt frog. Who was I to say no? But my curiosity was I looked out the window, some of the children were gathered in a circle, holding hands and praying while two were applying the gooey juice to the hurt critter. Aloe applied, they all stood up in a circle, chanting and sending love to the frog. Just then, the biggest bully of the block came up and demanded to join in. My middle child turned around with all love in her face and smiled at him, "No, you can't. You don't have enough Gods."

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