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Posted: Sep. 8, 2002
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Pagan Jokes and Humorous Stories
Pagan Jokes and Humorous Stories seem to be just the ticket to get us in the mood to celebrate our bestest Holiday season. This can be your personal story of 'magick gone awry' or your favorite "How many Pagans does it take..." joke. C'mon! We dare ya! Just try and make us laugh!
| Reponses: There are 37 responses posted to this question.
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| I Recently Came Across The Ecauldron, And Was In Stitches! The Circle... ||Oct 4th. at 11:05:27 am EDT|
|Illianna Quicksilver (Greenville, North Carolina US) ||Age: 26 - Email |
I recently came across the ecauldron, and was in stitches! The circle manners was the best. Never EVER set the witch on fire. Never invoke anything bigger than your head, humor is a big part of my life, and if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? The funniest thing that has ever happened to me was an irritating ex, who decided to take a job where my husband works. Every time I visited my hubby, there he was hugging and kissing me. Well, my friend gave me a gorgeous pentacle as a gift, and I haven't taken it off since. There was the ex and here comes the obnoxious hug, and he damned near fell down trying to get away from "the sign of the devil". I laughed so hard I cried. This is the same man who (when I was living with him) shook me awake at two in the morning waving my athame around demanding to know "just what do you do with this?" To which I promptly responded "I trim my toenails with it, what do you think I use it for?????!!!!" "Oh OK, I thought it was soem of that magic stuff you have...." LOL
| Well, I Think Mine Is Amusing More Than Funny... Recently While Attending... ||Oct 4th. at 2:53:13 pm EDT|
|MachaCrow (Charles Town, West Virginia US) ||Age: 31 - Email |
Well, I think mine is amusing more than funny...
Recently while attending a rather eclectic circle we were critiqued by the local wildlife.
It was a silly night all around. Our Harvest Lord sporting a crown of silk grape leaves whilst the real thing was underfoot.... I remember thinking how silly, when he complains of a sharp pain.
The squirrels had decided to play a game, and he was getting pelted by acorns. I can only assume they were trying to make the bullseye of the wreath on his head.
It's been a couple of weeks now, but it's still funny to me.
| True Story... My Wife And I Were Married By Wiccan Ceremony In... ||Oct 4th. at 4:08:46 pm EDT|
|Ned (Greywolf) Farnsworth (Lafayette, Indiana US) ||Age: 28 - Email |
My wife and I were married by Wiccan ceremony in a beautiful old historic house. We gathered everyone in the main room of the house. Our friends called the quarters. The priest and priestess lit a cauldron of incense and then begain the ritual with upmost seriousness...
... about 30 seconds later the incense reached the smoke detector and set off the fire alarm. In short order one of the people calling quarters was standing on a chair with *the* broom trying to fan the smoke away while the priest rushed the still burning cauldron outside. He was mortified... I still tease him about it.
| I Haven't Had Enough Experience To Have A Funny Story Of My... ||Oct 4th. at 4:20:47 pm EDT|
|Moonlight Morgan (Windsor, Ontario CA) ||Age: 17 - Email |
I haven't had enough experience to have a funny story of my own so I will share one that many of you may have heard, but if you haven't I think it is just great. Sorry, I don't know the author.
A LETTER FROM SCHOOL
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from drawing until then. And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey!
By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
BR>I hope you enjoyed it. You can find the rest of my collection of Pagan Humour at http://www.geocities.com/k_garber/humour.html
| I Know These Are Terrible... If Your Cauldron Doubles As Your Spitoon... ||Oct 4th. at 9:48:13 pm EDT|
|Sophia (Bromley, England UK) ||Age: 33 - Email |
I KNOW these are terrible...
If your cauldron doubles as your spitoon... You MIGHT be a redneck pagan.
If you pass around Ho Ho's and Schlitz for cakes and ale, you Might be a redneck pagan.
| A Long Time Ago In A Land Not Far From Here A... ||Oct 4th. at 11:59:29 pm EDT|
|Winter Owl (Fort Wayne, Indiana US) ||Age: 24 - Email |
A long time ago in a land not far from here a little witch in training read one book and was of the belife that all the power in the univers was in his little finger. This little witch began to work magik. the first spell was for thick managable hair. The second spell was for lovly lavander eyes. The third spell was for true love, and the finnal spell was for a monye and prosparity.
this one book was all he had read and to his suprize the spells worked each and every one. IN a week he got the lovlye managable locks of hair but, my they were all gray. The next week he got his lavander eyes however it was a bloodvesle that had broken. The next week he adopted a lovly cat the fit the description of his purffect love. and at last the next week money found him with a well paying job....then later the prospartiy kiked in......the staff at the new job lasted a week at most leaving him to work the overtime.......don't giggle to hard that was how I started on this path(thought the time is exagerated)
| Here's A Few 'lightbulb' Jokes I Haven't Seen Published Here Yet... How... ||Oct 5th. at 1:29:36 pm EDT|
|Gryphontamer (Corona, California US) ||Age: 29 - Email |
Here's a few 'lightbulb' jokes I haven't seen published here yet...
How many frogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but you have to figure out which one used to be the electrician.
How do you fit five Gardnerians in a glovebox?
Tell them there's a secret in there.
Corollary: How do you fit five Alexandrians in a glovebox?
Tell them there's a Gardnerian in there!
And finally: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes lots of honey?
The Blessed Bee!
OK, I know... you can groan now
| Not Really A Joke Or A Story, But An Amusing Little Anecdote... ||Oct 6th. at 7:49:20 am EDT|
|filomena marseglia (duluth, Minnesota US) ||Age: 29 - Email |
not really a joke or a story, but an amusing little anecdote:
i work in an elementary school. yesterday, i was looking at "the charlie brown dictionary" (copyright, 1973). i thought it would be a hoot to see if there was a definition of the word "witch" in there.
sure enough, there was lucy, dressed up with the stereotypical wart-nosed, green-faced hag. below it explained how she was dressed up as a witch, and how witches were only to be found in fairy tales. the last sentence? "a witch is not a real person." we aren't? well, i just pinched myself and it hurt, but i guess that's just an illusion, huh?
| I Still Laugh When I Think Of This. I Was Working On... ||Oct 6th. at 3:04:00 pm EDT|
|Eowyn Forestchilde (Feeding Hills, Massachusetts US) ||Age: 27 - Email |
I still laugh when I think of this. I was working on the last day of the month. It was August and we were all hot and sticky from being in the warehouse. Now, August is our busiest shipping month and afterwards we all meet outside for some "downtime". Anyway, I'm out there with several friends and who walks up but one of our Vice Presidents! He grabs a glass and joins in. He has been working right along with us and was entitled to his share of the fun.
So here we all are, VP included, standing out in the field behind the warehouse, chatting it up and having a grand old time when it starts to rain. The only cover anywhere nearby, aside from the large building behind us, was a pine tree. Everyone runs for cover under this tree. Needless to say, we ended up fairly damp. We were standing there, dodging the drops from the needles when Mr. Vice President looks over at me and says "OK, you're a Witch. Can't you do something about this?" Knowing full well that it is bad form to start mucking around with the weather, I say "Hold on a sec...". I close my eyes and get really still for a moment, trying to get all mysterious and introspective (though not actually *doing* anything at all). The Goddess apparently felt sorry for me. Either that or She wanted to have some fun at my expense, 'cuz just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped.
What I wouldn't have given for a camera at just that moment!!!!
| You Might Be A Techpagan If: Your Magick Wand Doubles As A... ||Oct 6th. at 3:59:43 pm EDT|
|Sunfell (Little Rock, Arkansas US) ||Age: 40 - Email |
You Might be a TechPagan If:
Your magick wand doubles as a screwdriver
You consider your computer a Familiar
You think having four laptops scrolling the Quarters looks cool
Your Book of Shadows has an IP address
Your home network doubles as a grove
Your wizard's hat has cursors and pointy hands on it instead of moons and stars.
Pizza and Jolt are fine substitutes for cakes and wine.
You can cast a circle in your cubicle.
Your coffeepot doubles as a shrine to the Goddess Caffiene
Your Book of Shadows looks suspiciously like a technical manual
Your BOS is on line or on a CD-ROM
Two words: Virtual Circle
MYSNC! (May Your Server/System Never Crash!)
Sunfell (who's been around long enough to remember using 5 1/4 floppies to boot computers...)
| Alright, It Seemed When My Fiance And I Decided To "tie The... ||Oct 6th. at 4:36:04 pm EDT|
|Kirsten (Upper Black Eddy, Pennsylvania US) ||Age: 25 - Email |
Alright, it seemed when my fiance and I decided to "tie the knot" that nothing could possibly go wrong...how naive.
First there was the inevitable issue of money, but patience is a virtue and all was provided for. Then there was the question of when and how. I'm Wiccan, he's Agnostic. My mother is a Wiccan High Priestess, my father and step-mother are Catholic, my husband's father is a Presbyterian Minister. Oh my. So we decide that we will have a non-denominational ceremony in a Uniterian Universalist Church on October 24th, with my mother performing the UU candlelighting ceremony (a very Pagan-like practice). Then we would have her perform our handfasting one week later on Samhain.
First, the church wedding, which we had scripted to support many of my Wiccan beliefs and his ties to nature without offending any of the guests. My father tripped over my veil (which was attached to the color of my gown) upon depositing me at the alter, and my mother forgot to turn on the camcorder...Okay, every wedding has some mistakes...The next one has to be better.
One week later, in another state, with a lot of relaxation and planning betwixt the two ceremonies, what can go wrong? Okay, so we remembered the camcorder, the cats (our children), the guests, the incense, candles, ribbons, altar, bell, etc...Everyone gathers, my mother and her soul mate raise the circle, the ceremony starts, my mother gets to a section in the ceremony where we were to drink from the Chalice, no Chalice...
It just goes to show, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft times go awry."
| What Do You Get When You Cross A Jehovah's Witness With A... ||Oct 6th. at 5:06:17 pm EDT|
|Michelle (Dallas, Texas US) ||Age: 27 - Email |
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalist-Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.
Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound...he shoots...he scores!
I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
God WAS my co-pilot. Then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
How to tell if you might be a redneck pagan:
You ever cancled a ritual because of a football game
Your athame has a can opener and a nail file on it too.
You celebrate your simple feast with Beer nuts and a Keg.
The Superbowl is your most important holiday
You use an engine block for an altar
You've ever marked out the circle with duct tape
You've ever done a Lotto spell
Your scrying mirror says "objects may be closer than they appear"
You end your rituals with "Y'all come back now, y'hear?"
Your anointing oil smells like Old Spice
You have ever refilled your chalice from a keg
How to tell if you are a techno pagan:
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard
You cast your circle in a chat room
Your familiar is a mouse
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del
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