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Article ID: 4553
Age Group: Adult
Posted: March 18th. 2002
Getting Rid of What Bugs You
This week's column will be a little shorter than usual because we want to give Christina's inspiring article on Ostara/Spring Equinox top billing. Christina is a wonderful writer, a beautiful friend and one of the most spiritual people that I am privileged to know. People have been moved to tears by her words. I think that she covered the subject of this week's holiday/solar event quite thoroughly and so I really couldn't come up with anything else to add to it. The gal does her homework! Okay, there is one little thing that I see she didn't touch upon in relation to the changing of the season, so maybe I'll just insert that little bit of traditional lore in here. As a pragmatic Pagan, I am going to talk about that other side of the advent of spring: Bugs. (Well, I did say that Christina is the spiritual one!)
If your skin just started to crawl at even seeing the word 'bug', call me. We'll start a club. Now I don't mind the little critters as long as they stay outside. It's a big, wide and wonderful world out there and I feel that they should be free to live out their buggy existence as they will. But surely they haven't explored that entire expansive outdoor world? I hate to sound like Joan Rivers here, but really.. Bugs do have short stubby little legs. Even with six or eight (or- yuck -even more) of those appendages going full blast and then adding in the wing factor, how well traveled could they be? I don't know. Maybe they really have seen it all and I just can't read the fine print on their bumper stickers. Other than perhaps wanting to give expression to a hitherto understudied insectoid rebellious streak though, I can't fathom why they insist upon sneaking into my porch. Did the other bugs double-dare them or something?
Anyway, they are in and I want them out. I am too tenderhearted to just stomp on them. Especially if they have stingers. From what I understand, the following banishing ritual dates back from the most ancient of times and has been carefully preserved and recorded by scribes throughout countless generations. Get out your Book of Shadows. You're gonna want to write this down. Title the page: Operation Bug Out. I know that this sounds very archaic and mysterious but the modern translation simply reads: The humane way to remove wasps, hornets, wayward Microraptors and other assorted tiny critters from your cave. Yeah, that's how ancient it is. First you'll need...
A canopic jar and a piece of good stiff papyrus. Darn! The 7-11 is fresh out of papyrus? They can never seem to keep that stuff in stock! And you have what in your canopic jar again? No, I don't want to see it. Okay. We'll deal. This may not seem as 'magkical' a technique but a piece of poster board and a glass will work just as well. A Witch must learn to improvise after all.
Now I'll bet that you didn't know that the degree system of initiation actually originated with this ritual. While it is not clear how the system morphed into what we have today, the basic elements are clearly present in the ancient text. It all has to do with 1.) successfully completing the ritual and 2.) upon the size of one's canopic jar. Since we are using a glass here, I'll use the standard 'Alabaster to Plastic Ratio Chart' in order to make the proper adjustments in measurement.
If you can successfully capture the essence of the ritual using:
- A shot glass: Well, well, well-Aren't we the brave one or Third degree.
- A juice glass: Large open end compensated for shaky approach, but still nicely done or Second degree.
- A water glass: The basic required standard for critter expulsion or First degree.
- A BK 32 ouncer: Just kill the thing, since you are never going to summon up the courage to get close enough to catch it or Initiate.
Choose your glass. Wait for the designated critter to land. Quickly whip (not scourge) the open end of the glass over it. Keep the glass firmly pressed against the wall, ceiling or younger initiate to avoid the wrath of an escaping critter seeking revenge. Ignore loud angry buzzing and slide the cardboard between the open end and the surface, thus magically entrapping critter inside. (Tip: Chanting over the critter or attempting to psychically explain that "this is for your own good" does not seem to have any soothing effect or to diminish the loud angry buzzing noise. But many traditionally trained ritualists do it anyway.)
Carefully move glass away from surface-keeping cardboard nice and tight over top- and parade (It is not clear from the original text if the procession should be deosil or widdershins. Use your instinct.) to your outside area. Pointing the top of glass AWAY from your face- This is very important. You are dealing with some serious pent-up energy here. -slide cardboard off the top and let critter fly off. You should feel an immediate rush of emotional and psychic release.
The ritual has been successful if creature is banished into the outer realms and/or makes a beeline outta your space. One in a hundred (depending upon the bottom line in your current karmic debt account) will do a U-turn and book right back in the door that you left open behind you "just in case." It's called the 'boomerang effect'. If that happens, say the magick word, 'Du'oh' (pronounced 'duh-oh' although alternate chants may include: 'duh' and 'whattheeff') and then repeat the ritual.
It is recommended that you lie down for a few minutes after you have completed this working and ground yourself. A little valerian root works well, too. And of course, if you are Third Degree- and thus have successfully executed the ritual by using a shot glass - Well, I am under oath to keep that part of the text a secret.
Walk in Love and Light,
Co-Founder - The Witches' Voice
Monday, March 18th., 2002
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