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I Love...

Posted: December 5th. 1999
Times Viewed: 4,741

My name is Mary, and I am loved.

For 14 years, I had no idea what love was or where to find it. Yes, my parents love me, I'm sure they do, and I'm sure they did for the past 16 years, but it's hard to see it sometimes. My father is very careful with his feelings and doesn't show them often. Well, he doesn't show many of them often. Anger, my father is good at. I don't want to make my dad sound like he's abusive, he's not, he just has a smart mouth. He says things he regrets later, and I understand this—I also do this, but there is a limit to how many times you can be called an idiot. My mother shows the emotion, but I ignore it. It's too much emotion for me, and I hide from it.

So, I live in my home, with my parents and my siblings. I should love my siblings, but I don't find enough in common with them. My elder sister is a very "perky" person and in need of company at all times. I like to see her from time to time and usually enjoy the time we spend together, but it's just not love. My brother is 13. Do you realize how HARD it is to love a 13-year-old? Having my room egged also does not advance the love I have for my brother. Also, my two siblings have similar personalities; consequently, they accidentally shun me when the three of us are together. Being the middle child doesn't help the equation either.

Though I lived with my family, for 14 years the only member of my household I was close to was a stuffed tiger I named Cafrin Dagaz that became very real to me. Those whom I have told ask me how a stuffed animal can be alive and I promise you, to me, this white tiger is more alive than most the people I come in contact with.

You, the reader, must be wondering about my answer to "whom I love" for all I have been writing is what I do not love. I say to you, dear reader, just be patient, for I am about to broach this subject.

His name is Quinn.

Her name is Payce.

Three and a half years ago, I was playing on the computer late at night, as usual. I had just finished 7th grade so I had all the baggage a middle school-er carried. I had one horrible self image on top of my lack of a social life and I hated it. I hated myself. I loved the computer as I still do. On the computer I could be anything, have anything, and I fell into this world where I was a master, living through my imagination.

And I met Quinn and Payce.

Quinn is a year older than me and Payce a year younger. Immediately, I found a kindred in these two souls that I wouldn't realize for two years. The three of us began to talk. Quinn and I started an odd relationship where we would meet in the chat room every weekend, play with the crowd's mind, and have an interesting round of cybersex. It was just fun and neither of us thought seriously about it. Payce and I were best friends over the computer, building web pages and laughing about life.

We began sending letters. This led to talking on the phone. Soon, Quinn and I were on the phone for entire nights and Payce had a phone bill in the multiple hundreds. I met Payce the summer prior to my first year of high school while my mother was having a family reunion at a camp close to where Payce lived.

I think it was that winter Quinn told me he loved me. This came as a slight shock to me - I was still in that stage where love wasn't a word I was supposed to use. I was in the 9th grade, boyfriend less, friends with a few people who I would leave to befriend those I fit in with better, and stuck with that horrible self image brought out of middle school. I was shocked that anyone could love me, let alone this intelligent boy I had been talking to. I didn't tell him I loved him that night; I couldn't. I didn't know if I truly did.

For possibly a month following this night, I thought over what he said. We would talk, he would tell me he loved me before we logged off/hung up. I reviewed every part of our "relationship" attempting to find a strong "yes I love him" or "no, I don't." The strong answer never came, but I knew.

I told him I loved him.

Two years later, I still tell him.

Finding out I loved Payce came soon after I accepted my love for Quinn. When I found I could love this amazing boy whom I had conversed with just as long as the closet "girl" friend I would ever have, I had to love her, and I told her so after I received an email. The email was to both Quinn and myself says she loved us, so I said the same thing, as did Quinn. They are my "true" family, I believe. I even call Payce "sis" when we talk.

The twist is, though I have met and seen Payce, I have never laid eyes upon Quinn. Never touched him. Never smelled him and I still love him. I will never understand it, but it is true.

I love these two people more then anything else on the Earth, even if I do not have a valid reason to.

MJ Stone


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