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My Toxic Temper: Clashing With The Craft

Author: CerrayaSlaughterHouse
Posted: January 22nd. 2012
Times Viewed: 3,199

Screams shake my dresser drawers, and doors slam at my expense. Glass shatters on the floor as I stomp on an old jewelry box mirror with my converse. Tears stream down my face along with eyeliner and mascara. My face becomes red and angered, I throw my clock to the floor till eventually the childhood hello kitty top of it disconnects from the clock. My parents donít know what to do with me anymore. This is a typical blowup for me; just me, furious at some ridiculous argument with my parents, I lose control.

Iím not a normal teenager; itís not anger problems. I donít do this to my friends and peers when I get mad with them. What I do when my friends anger me stuns them still; I usually just swear continuously, walk away pretty fast, or roll my eyes and give them attitude, which confuses them, or they think I get angry easily. I do get angry pretty easily though.

After storming into my room probably for the fifth time, when Iím finally done, Eminem blares from my room behind my locked door. I play the bonus track of ďEncore, Ē over and over, until Iím calm. Those three songs are constantly replayed by me, as I shout the rhythmic lyrics louder than I have them playing. According to my parents, this is even worse for me, supposedly working my anger right back up to its original state. Honestly, for me it just is a way to work out my feelings. If I turn to rap before blowing up, then yes it works up my anger enough to address the situation, even negatively. But when I turn to it afterwards, I do it to recognize my true feelings and address myself, and no one else. My whole family is exposed to my fury, and to my methods of handling them.

My parents think I just have a problem with authority, but I donít act out at school, Iím very reversed. Most kids are the other way around, causing problems at school, normal at home, respectful at home; Iím not.

Wicca tells us to Ďharm noneí. Iíve never been able to fully follow that ethic. I am the oldest in my household out of all the kids, and I am the worst when it comes to showing the other kids to be respectful, helpful, and keep their cool most of the time. I wear my pentacle almost 24/7 at home, but I betray it. This is something I havenít seen anyone on this site address: toxic behavior. Well, I havenít seen anyone address it about himself or herself.

Letís be honest, if you were raising me itíd be difficult. I wonít admit that to my parents unless Iím in a moment of weakness; it hurts to admit it. At least here online you donít know me, it doesnít hurt me that the whole world knows how toxic I can be while following the Wiccan path. The whole world may know, if they choose to read this, but the whole world wonít know which Wiccan walking down the street it is. I pray to the mother Goddess all the time that I will just learn to behave normally in my moments of anger.

My mom tells me that the Wiccan path would never approve of my behavior, regardless of her beliefs of it not really being a recognized religion. Itís true, that, if I decide to live by the Rede, The Goddess, and the Religion of Wicca, I should abide by its loving laws, correct? For some reason that doesnít really stick with me. Iíve been practicing Witchcraft more than Wicca, but still praying to the goddess. Thereís always a certain time, after midnight, that I get this weird out-of-body feeling, and it scares me. Always, when I get this feeling, no matter what time of day or night, I go grab my first silver pentacle I bought two summers ago, and wear it. After gripping our internationally recognized pagan/wiccan pentacle, I begin to feel safe and ďnormal, Ē again.

Why?

Why should the Goddess continue to protect me when I am so toxic? Havenít I hurt enough people? Havenít I dissed her laws so many times with my actions? Does she continue to help me because deep down I know what Iím doing or saying is negative and wrong? Am I that worthy of forgiveness? I know this isnít Christianity but donít our actions ever displease the Goddess as well as the people we hurt? Of course, but donít you believe that sometimes the Goddess forgives us when the person we hurt wonít accept our apology, and our guilt and hopelessness is too much? How else do we move on? I cannot always just forgive myself if everyone else is still hurting, Iíd be too cold and uncaring to do so.

The Goddess steps in, and helps. Iíve been trying to avoid the idea that the Goddess needs to, and does, forgive us, because of the very Christian root of that belief. I always believed that the Goddess had nothing to do with it, because this isnít Christianity; you will get your karma, and/or the law of three to bite you in the ass for better or for worse, due to your own actions. Karma and the Law of Three (threefold) are not handed out by the divine, they will come around because of the reactions of others because of what youíve done and/or said. Now Iíve just accepted that the Goddess does step in when you just donít feel able to move on, because you are stuck that no one will forgive you, maybe not even yourself.

I canít always forgive myself, but the Goddess always will. She wonít be judgmental. However I know she doesnít approve when Iím verbally abusive to my siblings, parents, and friends. I donít live in an abusive household at all. My parents usually understand, but I am a teenager and it doesnít always feel like they do. Iím pretty sure itís considered normal to occasionally call a few names towards your siblings, and maybe even joke around a little harshly with close friends. I think Iím past normal on that boundary.

I have friendships that we were so close, we always messed around, we were joking but weíd call names. Now, when it came down to a real fight, stupidly and immaturely over texting, the names werenít joking. My toxic side, the yang of myself bigger than my ying, came out to control the fight. This has blown so much karmatic wind and dust right back at me. I texted something snide and snappy, though I was being honest, I couldíve been so much gentler about the topic. The insults flew; guess who lost a best friend over a week and a half ago? Also, not just my best friend, but her sister, my next best friend. I lost two people I loved so much. Why? My toxic side. Wouldnít a real Wiccan take that a lot better? Not been harmful?

We have to be real. Clichť as it sounds, I am a teenage witch. I am not the crone, and I wonít be for a very long time. I donít exactly have the life experience and wisdom of a much older witch to control my toxic side and anger that consumes me so much. I wish I did, but that will take time, how much time? The truth is, Iíve been acting like this since I was eight years old. Over time my explosions shorten in time, but grow worse in amount, and grow worse in the foul verbal abuse of my mouth. I get more careless, despite my spiritual choice of Wicca when I turned 12. Itís been so many years since then, but I still havenít lost this blowup issue. Wicca has not taught me to stop acting the way I act; it only helps me cope with it. I donít think I will ever get rid of it. I am not sure if thereís anyone else out there in the same position as me, but I donít want there to be. If you are, please reach out to me; we can help each other.

Toxic lifestyles are everywhere; I adore watching ďDr. Phil, Ē and other such shows. I feel like I am not alone in my issue. I donít even know what to call itÖ a toxic temper? Iíve never heard of another Wiccan/Pagan/Witch, whatever, acting the way I do, getting so worked up over the lamest things, breaking things because they are at a loss as to what to do because they have no friends anymore. Who else out there sleeps in until 4pm because they no longer have the people they used to hang out with every afternoon, and they donít know what to do alone during the day anymore? Losing so much can make you this way, and then when I get yelled at for being so lazy, I blowup and act out. What am I supposed to do anymore? Itís like a minor depression adding itself to the mixture of negativity.

Looking back, I see that over the years I have a pattern of negative, toxic, explosive behavior. Itís the way I deal with anger. Iím not sure why I acted this way age 8-11, but I can tell you I had reasons starting at age 12. When I was 12, entering 7th grade, everything appeared fine. I had friends, I have no problem making them...itís keeping them when we fight that is the problem. It wasnít until 2nd semester that toxic behavior destroyed me and ruined me.

I was taking school dance classes again, I had been doing dance for years before that. I attempted to befriend a large group of girls who faked liking me. They wanted my number; we discussed clothes, and such. Little did I know that the next day they would literally push my backpack off the mats from theirs and blatantly say to me they didnít want to hang out with me. It hurt, I couldnít believe I had allowed myself to be walked on and thrown to the side like garbage, and not stand up and say it didnít matter, their loss. Instead I had been incredibly shocked, stunned, and physically frozen by their words. I began to gather up my school bag and while holding back embarrassed tears, tell them I had no one. I had proceeded to walk over to the cafeteria doors, and stand alone, blasting Eminemís songs into my ears and try not to cry.

No one had ever turned me down; no one had ever rejected me as a friend before then. I am very confident, very outgoing. I was so stunned, because they spit lies saying I had been following them around the day before- what? They had acted like I tried to be some pathetic tag-along-awkward-loner chick. Which I hadnít, they had accepted meÖ for a day. I went home bawling my eyes out, as I already had on the bus to some friends.

I showed up at my front door to my mom that afternoon, tears streaming down my face, choking on my words, uncontrollable. I told her everything, and I left to spend time with real friends I had for a while. Needless to say, everyday afterwards in that last hour dance class was absolute tween hell. I left them alone because they didnít want to accept me into their psychotic fang-filled wolf pack of cannibals. Thatís ok, but they would continue to approach me and harass me, bully me, and I am not one to be bullied. So my toxic claws came out. I fought fire with gasoline; technically I fueled it; giving them reactions, sadly what they want.

I successfully befriended the other girl they had been bullying all year; I had to stick up for us both every day. We also had two other friends we chilled with, but the wolf pack didnít attack them, we were the meat to suffice them for the time being. I suppose I was the more fun squeaky toy, because I barked back. I spit worse insults when they used the same one. I would defend myself to the whole group, cornered in the bathroom, with nobody else by my side. I do not allow myself to be messed with. I was just as toxic as they were, maybe even more.

I had just started delving into the research of the path of the Craft. It felt like relief was available just by reading those books. However, I was contradicting the very religion I was being pulled to. On the outside I was a screaming banshee, a pit bull biting back at the tormentor. At home, to my parents, to my closest friends, I was afraid. I was depressed. At first I had support, but eventually, since I wouldnít take my parents advice to get authority involved, for my fear it would only turn worse, they gradually lost hope in my fight. I wasnít making an effort to get REAL punishment for them, and it didnít help that the teacher of the class witnessed every attack, and every verbal fight, and never reported it, didnít even report MY disgusting comebacks and defenses.

I was growing more toxic day by day; it was a monster that consumed me. Without hope from my family, I was a wreck. I cried every day, every night, my grades dropped, anxiety filled me. It wasnít until my mom drove down to the school that real enforcement happened. Eventually it all ended. Point is, I changed as a person.

I had never in my life actually hated another human being. Yes, as a tween at the time, I used to say ďI hate this, or that, or him, or her, Ē but I never meant it. Even being midway through my teenage years, I donít hate anyone but that one girl. I donít even hate her sidekick who put me through just as much hell, or even their followers; I feel bad for those girls who were so pressured. I pushed past them and focused on the one girl, the leader, who really wanted me to feel as alone and dumb, and unwanted. It sounds so evil that I actually hate a human being, and especially over something in middle school. You would only understand if youíve ever been bullied. I took it and shook it and fought it for 4 months. I donít know how my friend, the other bullied girl, took it for the entire school year.

It has changed me so much. I burned the picture of the girl who bullied me from the 7th grade yearbook shortly after it all happened. I was practicing Wicca, just starting, and I did it to let go. But I donít think I can ever let go of it truly. I can never forgive her; I still go out of my way to block her from even knowing I have a page on social networking sites if we have mutual friends. It tore something in me. It isnít the only reason I am so toxic, but it has changed my outlook so much on so many different things.

Every time I hear a news story about a suicide due to being bullied, whether it is cyber bullying, or bullying in person, I cry. I am disgusted by the very possibility and reality that someone else is experiencing what I have experienced, maybe even worse, or in physical consequences. I feel worse when I know that someone else didnít have the power to throw it back at the tormentor, or didnít speak out to anyone about it and had no support whatsoever, and ended up killing themselves or someone else. I was strong enough, letting a toxic behavior consult me to battle bullying. Itís a huge reason that I am the way I am now. I am toxic; I will go off if someone can push me there. It doesnít take much to push me to that point, but itís due to my past.

I AM Wiccan, I AM a Witch, I AM a Pagan, but the Harm None law is irrational. I HAVE hurt people. No matter how you interpret the Harm None law, you will always and eventually betray that ethic. It is impossible not to. I will never be a pacifist, nor will I strive to not verbally defend myself. I can only try to not attack the people closest to me with anger and insults when I get angry. Someone like me can only accept that they have to live with toxic behavior and their spiritual path, because you cannot change who you are, experiences can. I am not a horrendous person, I love, I care, I never want someone to experience certain things that I have, because despite the fact I am more sensitive to suicides and death, bullying, and other certain things, it causes me to blowup more easily to defend myself. This causes me to lose people. I am so afraid of being screwed over that I do it to myself, so no one else does. This is toxic. I can only hope I get help in the future, and understanding.






Footnotes:
Eminem Encore Bonus Cd- songs i listen to, you can find eminem's songs on Itunes.

Dr. Phil- T.V. show


Copyright: This is my original essay. No one may post this elsewhere without emailed permission from me. any publication of this work without permission will be demanded to be taken down. any copying and pretending that this work is yours is PLAGIRISM, which is ILLEGAL, and therefore PUNISHABLE under the LAW.



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