At the Border of the Year Again
Article ID: 12287
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 2,159
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Author: Lady Rain StarDragon (Teresa Garcia)
Posted: January 13th. 2008
Times Viewed: 1,739
I sit here at my computer, soft instrumental music floating from the speakers while most of my family sits with me. The deep voice that the music accompanies is rather like a slow, ancient river, and the children are quiet and calm. While I work, the peace lies over the room like a blanket, and I can sip my tea to soothe my sore throat without fear of it slopping most unceremoniously into my lap to offer the room what a close friend has labeled “The Dance of Waking Up.”
It’s a beautiful time, and outside the window the local volcano sleeps below a mantle of pure white snow. Its spirit has been silent to me lately, but the connection is there, our communication more silent than in years past. The sky is a high, deep blue, and though I am in the house, I can feel the sun dancing over me as she crosses the sky (or as the earth dances through space, whichever image you prefer).
Moments of peace and quiet in this household are few and far between. I half expect to need to spin my chair to disentangle two small children before their father says or does anything. Still, the peace between my three family members stretches onward, and I begin to take stock of what has happened within the past few days that could have them all so “unnaturally calm.”
I’m not altogether sure that such quietness is normal. After a certain age, at least in the house, my brother and I got on quietly and left each other alone. Neither of the children is at those benchmark ages.
Also, my children tend to annoy each other more than staunch political rivals would annoy each other if they were stuck together in an elevator for a day. The fact that the youngest child is autistic, and thus sees the whole world as an extension of him that must follow his will, generally adds to the missing cacophony.
As I wonder about this happy turn of events, the children stir themselves, bicker briefly, and then settle down again. My voice rasps from the long, sleepless night that I had experienced, in which I fought for breath.
Being physically ill is something that has been happening more often to me over the years, and no doubt at least part has to do with the gradual decline of food quality, with the lack of rest that comes with being a parent, the stress that goes along with raising a child that has a label, as well as other problems that are in my life.
For now though, the problems wait at arm’s length, behind a veil that a close friend has been helping me with the pain staking process of repairing. With every re-weaving of this veil, I can venture further within to clear a little more, before coming back out, following his voice and the tether that he holds, in order to readjust that veil and strengthen it once more. In return, I do my best to do the same for him. The world no longer looks as dark as it once did, and it is during these pauses, such as the one I am sitting in now, that I can notice this.
The Year is drawing to a close, at least as far as most that I know are concerned. Every day is the end and beginning of a year though, depending on what point one chooses for a reference. As I sit here, listening to the silence behind the music and low hum of the heater, I wonder how this year will be. I have worked hard this year to lay aside specters that have haunted me, and I am none too eager to find that I have done so improperly.
To have faith in oneself is sometimes a hard task. It is so very easy to give one’s power away, to place it in another. I have been guilty of it, in some ways I can still be considered guilty of it. But, I have also been working on another hard lesson this year… trust. Faith and trust go together, which is why I have had to work on both over this year, and the last year. When one is lost or damaged, these two things can severely weaken any partnership, no matter what sort.
When something is damaged, can it be fixed? If not, should one toss it aside, or see what can be salvaged and made into something new, and perhaps (or perhaps not) better? The answer, of course, depends on the person and situation. A friend, in a conversation earlier in the year, too mirrored this lesson to me.
No, my year has not been an easy one, and some close to me know that it has been more than a hairy, white-knuckle ride for me. However, although at times it certainly looked like it was all bad, it wasn’t. I just needed time to shift my perspective and to find the lessons that cement-craniumed me wasn’t particularly keen on or comforted by at the times they came before me. To let myself miss those lessons would be a grave disservice to myself and those who dance with (or rough-trod over) me through this life.
My hope is that others out there in the world, who may also perceive that they have had less than optimal years, also manage to find a point to pause at and look over the lessons that they have learned.
Take a breath, or steal a moment of time, and congratulate yourselves on having made it as far as you have in your lives, even if you are nowhere near where you wanted to be. We all draw breath yet, and this gives us the opportunity to try again if needed, or to put down something that needs to be let go of.
Some people make a resolution at this time of year.
Mine is to continue.
I will no doubt make some huge mistakes this year too, but if I can get back up after my ever so ungraceful faceplants, maybe I’ll find something good or useful while I’m spitting that proverbial dirt back out of my mouth.
Lady Rain StarDragon (Teresa Garcia)
Location: McCloud, California
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