View From My Side Of the Broomstick (Part 2)
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Article ID: 13526
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 1,680
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Posted: September 13th. 2009
Times Viewed: 2,240
I don't know if your wits and tongue sharpens when you become a Crone, but having a warped sense of humor sure helps! You have the luxury of cutting through all the crap and seeing the heart of a matter and asking pertinent questions, and you pretty much can get away with it because-”You're a Crone”. But this morning I seemed to have stumped my husband so I'll ask you....
Does your vision worsen at the same rate as your hair greys? Now I know that I generally tend to shy away from standing in front of a mirror but this morning, I noticed a glint of silver shining back.... A Big Patch of it!
And Why is it that they can formulate Just for Men for beards, but why haven't they formulated Just for Women for beavers? This is a question that should be pondered! Hardee! Har! Har! My Dark Queen, Hecate! You snuck that one in! I don't wear glasses in the shower- I can hear her splitting her sides on that one!
And it is generally accepted that gravity will ultimately win out on everyone. So hey! - If you got it flaunt it right?
But on the flip side, I'm a Crone! And I take a mild sort of malicious delight in the knowledge that you can lift, or Botox or liposuction yourself down to one cell as much as you want, but eventually Gravity wins! You know, the dollars and sense issue. I'll be the one pointing out your stretch marks Honey!
I'm at the stage where my breasts are like old party balloons with a slow leak. So what's next? Do they continue to deflate to the point that I can tuck the old girls into my belly button or into my pants, slowly day by day?
Or do they just one day go off like a bottle rocket and then deflate like a whoopee cushion? And how do you carry on a conversation around it? I mean, is it polite to just ignore it or just say, “Honey, I believe your tit went flat, pass the toast please.” ”Why yes! I believe it did! It was due to go any day now. Do you want the jam too??” (I think there's a skit from Monty Python on it)
And then there's the question of what to do with them. Because now they seem to have developed Alzheimer's and wander all over the place. Worse yet they look like road kill on my chest, cause they're lying on the side of the road! So now what's next? Do they get to the point that I roll them up like a jellyroll and stuff them in somewhere? Basically putting the last of my Artesians to hibernation or what?
And what if I choose not to wear a bra? In a survival situation they would keep my ears warm. I know if they get cold I can stuff them in my arm pits... or maybe cut out the back of the pockets on a flannel shirt and stuff them there while I'm wearing it.
But with Hecate throwing a Murphy's in there, my luck, the button would pop and the girls would uncoil like a spring and slap me in the face! And what happens when I wake up and find that I have suffocated one of the girls under my shoulder blade?
You know- does it get all tingly and such when the circulation returns, or do you wake up just thinking that your Scoliosis is getting worse until you put your glasses on and see the horrible truth? I'm mean let's get serious here Crones! Is there going to ever come a day when I open my eyes and find myself nose-to-nose with my own nipple on my pillow; freaking out, thinking it's something the cat drug in until I sit up and put my glasses on? Only to then look down to see her still attached to me and lying on the pillow when I'm sitting up because of gravity!
And can you see what it looks like from my view? An unobstructed landslide that ends up in a heap!! Am I truly ready for that?
And not only that but my butt doesn’t want to stop walking when I do! It jiggles and quivers until the tremors die down! Lookout! Earthquake Ethel is in the building!
It doesn’t matter how tight or loose the clothes are, when I stop moving there's a whole lot of shaking still going on back there! But at the same time it seems to be falling too. How do you explain to your grandkids that you have to pull down your socks to scratch it?
And my personal favorite...the hairs growing out of anything on my face! A dimple? Hey no problem! Hair sprout! Mole? No Problem! Hair sprout again! And they are not your normal hair sprouts. These are ones that grow so fast that you could easily braid the little suckers in 3 days! Give them a month and you could sit on them and rip your face off!
And Goddess knows what would happen if it got caught during an “Ethel” moment-Brr!!! Even the Grandkids run if I want to give them a hug from May-September. No one wants to be flash-fried in one of my Hot Flashes. My Hubs never questions the house being kept at a constant 57 degrees anymore, he just gets an extra parka and quilt. He learned the hard way about the Big Ms Meno and her permanent residence at our house! She wasn't exactly subtle when she came either...just kicked the door down and came on in screaming.
First clue the Hot Flash! POOF! Even the Gods tremble over the mention of her name!!!! One minute you’re smiling, the next you're crying, the next you're pinging off the ceilings and walls. All the while you’re flaming everything in your path by the simple poof of a Hot Flash. I got my GYN doctor on one of those! POOF! His hand was smoking when he moved it back. He wasn't listening when I told him I was going through them...so I fried his butt! Cleared his ears and eyes right up, it did!
And have you ever tried to tip toe or be quiet? Huh! Forget that one! I sound like a bowl of Rice Crispies! All you can hear is snap, crackle and pop in every single joint, bone, or muscle. I know that if I put on corduroy pants, I could pass for a real good rumba band, fade-out included because of the “Ethel” factor! Throw in a few slaps of the old flat tires, and I'm my own one-man-band! It would be great if I was that bored...But I'm Not THAT Bored Yet!
There seems to be no end in sight of the changes that are going on here! With each and every one I can hear Hecate snarking away with guffaws and peals of laughter!
So help me out Please! Does your vision worsen at the same rate as your hair greys? Because the visuals seem a little harsh here... Well! Inquiring minds want to know! ;~)
Peace and Blessings Honey!
Location: Montague, California
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