Articles/Essays From Pagans
December 1st. 2013 ...
A Pragmatic Look at Neo Paganism
The Tarot as a Tool for Raising Consciousness
Leaving a Pagan Group – Part 1: To Leave or to Stay?
November 24th. 2013 ...
The Pagan and the Papacy
The Groovy Aquarian Christ: Jesus From a Pagan Perspective
November 17th. 2013 ...
For Love of the God
Which Witch? Philosophical and Psychological Roots of Wicca
A Threat to Religious Liberties?
November 10th. 2013 ...
Where did Aleister Crowley’s Influence on Wicca Go?
Thoughts on the Threefold Law/Law of Return
Nine Creeds: A Statement and Explanation of My Beliefs
The Celtic Tree Calendar
November 3rd. 2013 ...
The Mundane/Spiritual Mirror: What Does it Say About Your Life?
October 27th. 2013 ...
Thoughts On a Miley-Cyrus/ Robin-Thicke Society
On Being Wiccan: Some Unsolicited Advice
Pagan Religious Communities in your Area: Connecting With and Creating Them
Banishing, Invocation and the Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram
October 20th. 2013 ...
Weather Magick: Who is Responsible for the Weather?
Broom Closet: In or Out?
Bottle Spells and Magick in Hoodoo Tradition
On Coven and Claws
October 13th. 2013 ...
Destroying to Create: A Lesson from the Dead
Consume the Scorpion- Scorpion Energy Revisited
October 6th. 2013 ...
UPG and U: A Breakdown and Building Up of Unverified and Unsubstantiated Personal Gnosis
Answering The Call from Spirit
Coping with the Loss of a Familiar
The Five-way Road: A Pagan Pilgrimage, Part 2 (The South)
September 29th. 2013 ...
Six Reasons Why Covens are Here to Stay
Priestessing and Titles: What's the Point?
Truth or Convenience? Questioning Motives for Spiritual Advancement
Speaking Up: The Conflict Between the Spiritualist and Our Human Experience
September 22nd. 2013 ...
Death of a Friendship within the Craft
The Five-way Road: A Pagan Pilgrimage, Part 1 (The Center)
September 15th. 2013 ...
Some Pagan Prayers
Lunar Insight Moon Musings: Bramble and Cerridwen
The Holocaust Survivor (Part II)
September 8th. 2013 ...
Introduction to the Five-way Road: A Pagan Pilgrimage
The Druidic Concept of Nwyfre
The Holocaust Survivor (Part 1)
Giving and Helping
September 1st. 2013 ...
Use a Flyswatter for a Fly: More on the Dark Arts
How Spells Work
Is It Really 'Energy'?
August 25th. 2013 ...
Mother Nature’s Way: Forging a Distinctly American Path
Healing Moon Ritual
Unconditional Love: The Paradox of Perfect Love
Earth to Soul/Sole
August 18th. 2013 ...
How Not to Fall in the Bunny Trap
Why Are You Like That? Thoughts on Hoodoo and Appropriation
Finding the Right Coven
The Knowledge Found in Silence
Moon Musings, Planetary Preponderances, Hazelnuts and Magick Wands
August 11th. 2013 ...
“I Survived a Weekend with Galina Krasskova”
The Charges of the Goddess and God with Commentary
August 4th. 2013 ...
Fair Weather Witches
Pagan Studies II: Modern Paganism in the Americas
Pagan Abbeys - A Practical Heritage for Spiritual Lay and Professional Cloistered Communities
July 28th. 2013 ...
Crystals 101: A Helpful Guide For Beginners
The More the Merrier? It’s not Only an Inaccuracy; it’s an All Out Farce!
My Pagan Manifesto
July 21st. 2013 ...
I'm a Witch, Not a Wiccan: A Brief Summary of Broad Pagan Designations
Rethinking Community for Solitaries
13 Keys: The Beauty of Tiphareth
July 14th. 2013 ...
Ramblings of a Pagan Guy: Stupid Clichés We Use (Part II)
Pagan Humanism: A Tradition of Rational Religion
Moon/Planetary Musings: The Holly King and John Barleycorn
July 7th. 2013 ...
Coping With Depression: Learning to Dance with the Sacred Twins
Shamanic Healing of Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Humility and Community Service
H is for Hubris
June 30th. 2013 ...
How To Feel The Energy Around You
Planning A Ritual
Why Pagans Might Benefit from Counseling Techniques
The Weight of Contemplation: When the Silent Self Grows Louder
June 23rd. 2013 ...
Magick and Play
Tarot Spell for Protection
Moon Musings and Planetary Preponderances: RE-fuse, RE-duce, RE-use, RE-pair and RE-cycle
June 16th. 2013 ...
How To Stay Spiritual Amidst This Chaos?
NOTE: For a complete list of articles related to this chapter... Visit the Main Index FOR this section.
View From My Side Of the Broomstick (Part 2)
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Posted: September 13th. 2009
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I don't know if your wits and tongue sharpens when you become a Crone, but having a warped sense of humor sure helps! You have the luxury of cutting through all the crap and seeing the heart of a matter and asking pertinent questions, and you pretty much can get away with it because-”You're a Crone”. But this morning I seemed to have stumped my husband so I'll ask you....
Does your vision worsen at the same rate as your hair greys? Now I know that I generally tend to shy away from standing in front of a mirror but this morning, I noticed a glint of silver shining back.... A Big Patch of it!
And Why is it that they can formulate Just for Men for beards, but why haven't they formulated Just for Women for beavers? This is a question that should be pondered! Hardee! Har! Har! My Dark Queen, Hecate! You snuck that one in! I don't wear glasses in the shower- I can hear her splitting her sides on that one!
And it is generally accepted that gravity will ultimately win out on everyone. So hey! - If you got it flaunt it right?
But on the flip side, I'm a Crone! And I take a mild sort of malicious delight in the knowledge that you can lift, or Botox or liposuction yourself down to one cell as much as you want, but eventually Gravity wins! You know, the dollars and sense issue. I'll be the one pointing out your stretch marks Honey!
I'm at the stage where my breasts are like old party balloons with a slow leak. So what's next? Do they continue to deflate to the point that I can tuck the old girls into my belly button or into my pants, slowly day by day?
Or do they just one day go off like a bottle rocket and then deflate like a whoopee cushion? And how do you carry on a conversation around it? I mean, is it polite to just ignore it or just say, “Honey, I believe your tit went flat, pass the toast please.” ”Why yes! I believe it did! It was due to go any day now. Do you want the jam too??” (I think there's a skit from Monty Python on it)
And then there's the question of what to do with them. Because now they seem to have developed Alzheimer's and wander all over the place. Worse yet they look like road kill on my chest, cause they're lying on the side of the road! So now what's next? Do they get to the point that I roll them up like a jellyroll and stuff them in somewhere? Basically putting the last of my Artesians to hibernation or what?
And what if I choose not to wear a bra? In a survival situation they would keep my ears warm. I know if they get cold I can stuff them in my arm pits... or maybe cut out the back of the pockets on a flannel shirt and stuff them there while I'm wearing it.
But with Hecate throwing a Murphy's in there, my luck, the button would pop and the girls would uncoil like a spring and slap me in the face! And what happens when I wake up and find that I have suffocated one of the girls under my shoulder blade?
You know- does it get all tingly and such when the circulation returns, or do you wake up just thinking that your Scoliosis is getting worse until you put your glasses on and see the horrible truth? I'm mean let's get serious here Crones! Is there going to ever come a day when I open my eyes and find myself nose-to-nose with my own nipple on my pillow; freaking out, thinking it's something the cat drug in until I sit up and put my glasses on? Only to then look down to see her still attached to me and lying on the pillow when I'm sitting up because of gravity!
And can you see what it looks like from my view? An unobstructed landslide that ends up in a heap!! Am I truly ready for that?
And not only that but my butt doesn’t want to stop walking when I do! It jiggles and quivers until the tremors die down! Lookout! Earthquake Ethel is in the building!
It doesn’t matter how tight or loose the clothes are, when I stop moving there's a whole lot of shaking still going on back there! But at the same time it seems to be falling too. How do you explain to your grandkids that you have to pull down your socks to scratch it?
And my personal favorite...the hairs growing out of anything on my face! A dimple? Hey no problem! Hair sprout! Mole? No Problem! Hair sprout again! And they are not your normal hair sprouts. These are ones that grow so fast that you could easily braid the little suckers in 3 days! Give them a month and you could sit on them and rip your face off!
And Goddess knows what would happen if it got caught during an “Ethel” moment-Brr!!! Even the Grandkids run if I want to give them a hug from May-September. No one wants to be flash-fried in one of my Hot Flashes. My Hubs never questions the house being kept at a constant 57 degrees anymore, he just gets an extra parka and quilt. He learned the hard way about the Big Ms Meno and her permanent residence at our house! She wasn't exactly subtle when she came either...just kicked the door down and came on in screaming.
First clue the Hot Flash! POOF! Even the Gods tremble over the mention of her name!!!! One minute you’re smiling, the next you're crying, the next you're pinging off the ceilings and walls. All the while you’re flaming everything in your path by the simple poof of a Hot Flash. I got my GYN doctor on one of those! POOF! His hand was smoking when he moved it back. He wasn't listening when I told him I was going through them...so I fried his butt! Cleared his ears and eyes right up, it did!
And have you ever tried to tip toe or be quiet? Huh! Forget that one! I sound like a bowl of Rice Crispies! All you can hear is snap, crackle and pop in every single joint, bone, or muscle. I know that if I put on corduroy pants, I could pass for a real good rumba band, fade-out included because of the “Ethel” factor! Throw in a few slaps of the old flat tires, and I'm my own one-man-band! It would be great if I was that bored...But I'm Not THAT Bored Yet!
There seems to be no end in sight of the changes that are going on here! With each and every one I can hear Hecate snarking away with guffaws and peals of laughter!
So help me out Please! Does your vision worsen at the same rate as your hair greys? Because the visuals seem a little harsh here... Well! Inquiring minds want to know! ;~)
Peace and Blessings Honey!
Location: Montague, California
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