Articles/Essays From Pagans
June 16th. 2013 ...
How To Stay Spiritual Amidst This Chaos?
Hearing The Music And Dancing The Dance
A Tale of the Wood
June 9th. 2013 ...
The Nature of Sacrifice
The Magick of Buildings
Start your own Pagan Church in Canada - A Detailed Guide
June 2nd. 2013 ...
Maiden, Mother, Who?! (A Discussion of the Triple Goddess)
Gods Who Live In My House
Why the 'Redneck Pagan'?
Among the Greenwod - An Interview with Raven Grimassi
May 26th. 2013 ...
So You Think You've Found a Teacher...
Learning To Live Your Own Life
Raising Personal Magickal Energy for Spellwork
Casting The Wiccan Circle
May 19th. 2013 ...
The Role of Identity in Magic
Talking Trash? It's a Dirty Subject but Waste Happens.
My Wiccan Journey
13 Keys: The Victory of Netzach
May 12th. 2013 ...
Pagan Studies I: How Should We Define Modern Paganism?
The Third Path
Nothing Special... Part Two
May 5th. 2013 ...
The Value of Multicultural Awareness
Put Your Back Into It (Our Lady of the Sacred Honey Badger)
Moon Musings, Planetary Preponderances and Red Lipped Bat Fish
April 28th. 2013 ...
Lessons from the Lessers: Iris
April 21st. 2013 ...
Taken By The Goddess: The Crescent Moon Tattoo
The Gods/Being Godbothered
To Be A Witch
The Archetypes are Gods: Re-godding the Archetypes
April 14th. 2013 ...
On The Inclusion of Children
'Wand Fun' With Grandson
Lessons from a Baby
Lessons of Freedom: On Divinity and Healing
April 7th. 2013 ...
Out of the Broom Closet... Sorta
A Journey Through the Witches Tarot
History and Science Behind Numerology
March 31st. 2013 ...
What is the Magickal Self?
Ethics and Numerology
March 24th. 2013 ...
Keystones of the Sacred Land
March 17th. 2013 ...
Why Some Pagans and Witches Still Hide
Witch Heritage 101: What Happens When Witch Haters Joke about anti-Witch Films
I'm Not a Broom. So What's with the Closet?
March 10th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Things I Did as a New Pagan: Part 3
Hunting for the Real Witch in Film
The Collective Shadow
Lies - The Opposite of Truth
March 3rd. 2013 ...
Grounding and Releasing Negative Energy
A Patchwork of Magick
February 24th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Mistakes I Made as a New Pagan (Part Two)
February 17th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Mistakes I made as a New Pagan... Part One
Gardening with Crystal Energies
A Call from the Ancestors
Moon Musings, Planetary Preponderances and Black Water Snakes
February 10th. 2013 ...
We Are the Weirdos, Mister: A Completely Uncool Story of Origin
February 3rd. 2013 ...
"I'll Grind Your Bones to Make my Bread": Pagans and Animal Husbandry
The Role of Contemporary Culture in Magic
A Pagan Response to Endangered Earth
The Great Mother's Gift, Heinlein, and the Nature of Squirrels
13 Keys: The Glory of Hod
January 27th. 2013 ...
Why We Do Need Wicca
The Cosmos In the Coffee Shop
On Travel Spirituality and Magick
January 20th. 2013 ...
Beloved Backs and How to Save Them
Building or Burning Bridges?
Plants, Magic and Intuition
Plagiarism - How It Harms Our Community
January 13th. 2013 ...
Ramblings of a Pagan Guy: Stupid Clichťs
The Magick and Power of Words
Aging Is Not Easy
The Riddle of Who We Are?
January 6th. 2013 ...
Wicca v Witchcraft
NOTE: For a complete list of articles related to this chapter... Visit the Main Index FOR this section.
Dear Wicca, Thank You.
Article Specs |
Article ID: 13937
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 1,039
Times Read: 2,328
RSS Views: 12,531
Author: Selena Rose
Posted: August 15th. 2010
Times Viewed: 2,328
I began to research Wicca when I was eleven or twelve years old. I Ė obviously Ė was not extremely serious about it at that point, and the interest came and went for a year or two. I always loved the idea of the religion, but I didnít seriously start studying until I was about thirteen. And I studied for almost a solid two years before I started to practice. I know that it was still very young and, looking back, maybe it was too young. But I donít regret starting early because it just gave me more time to develop into the kind of spiritual person that I wanted to become.
When I was sixteen I developed Anorexia Nervosa. During the year and a half battle, I dropped over twenty pounds, yo-yoed between weights, dealt with depression, anxiety, and a number of other ďissuesĒ. Twenty pounds is not nearly as serious as it could have become, I know. I got lucky that it didnít get worse. Physically, I was not that ill. The illness was completely and entirely mental. I was dealing with self-hatred, feeling worthless, like I was created wrong.
Over the December holidays, I was shopping for gifts with my family. We celebrate a very secular Christmas and I celebrate Yule in my own ways on my own. I was seventeen at this point, a senior in high school. I decided to buy myself a Yule gift while I was at Borders and headed back to the religion section of the store.
There were a few titles I was familiar with but never purchased, a few I owned. I ran my hands over the spines, trying to get some kind of idea of what to purchase. My body and mind stopped on a thin, black binding. I bought the book and took it home. Literally, that night, my life changed.
The book was The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan. If youíve ever read it, you should realize how beautiful it was to me. It opened my eyes to parts of Wicca and Witchcraft that I never knew existed and somehow, I wanted them in my life. I canít point out a specific passage that changed everything. It was everything at once. I finished the book in less than twenty-four hours. And I started my own journey toward recovery of my eating disorder.
Yes, one book did all that. I brought that book to school. I underlined and starred passages that I needed to remember. I kept it in my mind all the time as I tried to work my way up to a semi-normal number of calories a day. And it worked. I ended up purchasing Sylvanís other book, The Body Sacred. That was probably one of the greatest purchases of my life, as well. I kind of owe everything to her. After that, I began to read more about the spirituality of Wicca, and created my own bond with the God and Goddess that was one of the most beautiful feelings I have ever felt in my life. I felt genuine and I felt new.
For several months, I was deep into my spirituality and practice. For that summer I worked at a very Zen coffee house where incense was always burning and Bob Marley was constantly on the sound system. Everything was organic and healthy and I felt extremely at peace for a whole summer as I prepared to go away to college. I had a wonderful therapist helping me with my ďlaunching phaseĒ who helped me heal my relationship with my mother (that was always a troubling spot for me) . I was in the good place in my life. And I went away to college and my life did a tailspin again.
In college, I gained a good eight or ten pounds. I didnít really mind too much at first. I was okay. I just started to go to the gym a little more often and I paid more attention to what I was eating. Itís difficult in the dining hall because you donít exactly know what youíre getting on your plate. Around October, I noticed one of my roommates acting strange. I noticed classic symptoms of Anorexia in her. I saw myself. She was dropping weight like crazy, sleeping way too often, spending hours at the gym and becoming very secluded. It took me two times of addressing the situation to her to get her to fess up.
Meanwhile, I retreated back into my old bad habits, turning to Anorexia as a crutch when I was stressed out about school, friends, or relationships. In just about a month I dropped over ten pounds. I lost all the weight I gained when I arrived, and then some. I was becoming happier with my body, but worse about my soul. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldnít stop it. I was afraid to lose it. I had just started talking to a guy that I seriously liked and he liked me and I wanted to be lovely.
During this year I also stopped practicing Wicca. I still considered it my religion, but I was not as active as I could have been. I would pray once in a while to try and figure out my life, but it was difficult to keep focused on it. A few days ago, things changed again.
I opened up to one of my friends about my eating disorder. She then told me that she had similar problems, only on the Bulimia side. She had been in and out of treatment and offered to help me any way she could. I told her that I didnít want help right now. And I lost two more pounds the next day. Losing weight made me feel secure, but it also scared me. I felt a bit out of control when the number kept dropping lower, lower. I was starting to get very worried and unhappy. I would go on drinking binges because I knew that it would make me weight less in the morning. (FYI Ė NOT a reason to have a drink, especially if youíre underage. I do NOT condone drinking to excess.) I had become reckless. I was scared. I had a breakdown in the shower after going to the gym one day and asked myself Ė when will I be happy? When will I become complete again? I thought it was about the number, but there was another voice in my head telling me that there was something more out there for me. I had to learn that I was more than my eating disorder.
Somewhere along the way, I tried to eat a little more. Mostly it was to appease everyone else who was worried: my friends, my sister, and somewhere deep in me, myself. Then my second roommate found a great website with a ton of yoga and some meditation. I had completely stopped doing yoga and meditating and I needed that. So I decided to try again and be serious about it. I also pulled out my good Ďol Dianne Sylvan book again. I wanted to get back to the girl I used to be. I was happiest when I was greeting Divinity each morning and saying goodnight before bed. I was happiest when I could sit outside for hours just staring at the trees and feeling the Earth breathe beneath me. I was happiest when I could fully be myself, in my own skin. Every time a Sabbat comes around, I remember how this religion is Me. Because I always miss celebrating one to the fullest extent that I can because of the completeness that celebration always brings to me.
The beauty of Wicca is seeing the beauty in everything and feeling the magic pulse within yourself and all around you. If Iím not living, I canít feel that. If Iím not being alive to the greatest extent that I can, there is no point. We are all a part of the Divine. The Divine is not ugly, or fat, or useless. And through learning this, I have to learn to respect myself.
If youíre struggling in any of the same ways that I did Ė I am feeling your pain. It is a meal-to-meal struggle. And thatís sad because food is one of the most magical pieces of art in the entire world. But it is possible to survive, and spirituality can help. It is not the only tool; you have to want to get better. I was not sure that I wanted to get better, and then I realized that not only did I want to Ė I needed to. In order to feel the beauty of the world around us, we have to be alive. Iím used to being completely dead inside because of this disease and for the last few days Iíve felt alive. Not completely Ė but much more than I have in a while.
Recovery is one of the scariest things Iíve ever done. And now Iím doing it for the second time. It is damn scary and Iím afraid for every day. Yet I continue to try. Some days are worse than others, but I still keep on, and I hope to continue to keep on until I have a healthy relationship with food again.
Do something scary and live. Because I firmly believe that it is worth it. Especially as Pagans, we have the ability to see the world in a way that not everyone can. We have different ways of appreciating the unbelievable qualities all around us. So appreciate it, and live. Itís what Iím trying to do.
Location: , Connecticut
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