My Pre-Wiccan Struggles
Article ID: 14855
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 552
Times Read: 1,248
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Author: G Dren
Posted: September 2nd. 2012
Times Viewed: 1,248
I am ex-military and come from traditional Roman Catholicism. My mother later bounced around to other Christian-based belief systems, eventually ending up as a Methodist. I guess this is where my article takes shape. My transition to Wicca was not an easy one, as I am sure it was not for so many. I had to get past my Christian-learned propaganda regarding Witchcraft as a whole. I had not realized then how terribly everything about the Craft, “right down to our Pentacle”, was misrepresented. (While reading this, do keep in mind that this is a recounting of events, not a finger pointing.)
My parents and I get along beautifully today with complete truth and understanding. My mother, whom I love dearly, is on the right meds and is so much better than she was while I was growing up in her household. (She is now fighting her own demon – Cancer. At long last her Cancer has stayed in remission for 5 years.) I forgave her long ago and still, she asks for it. I tell her that she needs to forgive herself. I let her know that she was just an ill person, who desperately needed treatment and therefore, while not responsible for her actions, but was accountable for them.
As a teenager, I secretly studied Witchcraft “for all the wrong reasons” and made serious mistakes in doing so. I had no guide to help me. So I became ever more afraid to try studying further because of the level of retribution I was receiving reading aloud! I used to read out loud to get enunciations correct, so I also read spells and charms in this similar manner. My biggest secrets were revealed unto my parents as a result… one of which I had not expected my parents to learn about: my sexual preference.
I was downstairs in my room looking for my favorite pictures of men taken from magazines and newspapers. My mother stormed into my room with these things in her hand screaming viciously: “Is this what you like? Am I raising a daughter? Well, I think we should treat you like one!” With that, she grabbed me by the arm, and dragged me upstairs to her room. There she forced me into dresses while smearing makeup all over my face. My mother kneed me in the groin, screaming obscenities, punched me repeatedly in the face, and broke my nose. Like a switch, her barrage of beating stopped. She then calmly asked, “Why do you have these pictures?” I knew I needed a good answer or she would switch back. I then stated, “I like the styles they are wearing!” Just Like that, it was over. (This was a daily norm for me though. This one was more severe due to the possible homosexual discovery.)
The books I studied from were hidden in the ceiling of my room near some water pipes that needed a through port. Three days later, while snooping through my room whilst I was at school, Mother found my secret Pagan books. My mother’s old Roman Catholic Priest greeted me after school. I stated quite lazily. “What is this mom? Are we going back to being Catholics now? Make up your mind, mom!”
The priest stated to me that I was infused with a demon and needed his help. I was then tied to a chair as the torrent of stupid questions began. I was now a very angry teenager, with all the things I had grown up with. I stated to the Priest that the only two demons in this room are my mother and a Priest who spanks little boys in front of congregations for accidentally knocking over the Holy Water when a school bully tripped me. I think the worst part for me was the burning of my books as this ‘man of the cloth’ smacked me around to exorcize the “quote-end quote” demon!
Upon my nineteenth birthday, I enlisted into the military to escape my mothers’ insanity. And I found the same disregard for my religious beliefs in the military, which by this point was Agnostic – no belief in anything at all. Actually, I was angry at whole idea of religion, and wanted nothing more to do with it. As life turns, I found more books that I snuck onto the ship to read, and when discovered during a routine locker check, they were tossed overboard. I lost one month liberty privileges for practicing Satanism, and was baptized by force by the ship’s Chaplin. The books they tossed overboard were about nothing more than explaining the various Pagan holidays.
Getting to the point of all this, should be clear. I ran into a lot of prejudices over the years about Witchcraft thanks largely impart to closed mindedness. This rapid version of my journey ended up at a metaphysical shop owned by a high priestess. Through a few years of talking, testing, and asking, she became my elder. My first ritual, I was asked if I would take the role as High Priest for her Samhain ceremony. I was amazed that I said yes so easily to it. I had enough information to know there was nothing evil or dark about Wicca.
We practiced for three weeks after I said ‘yes’. Then the expenses started arising. But when it came down to needing an Athame, I made the purchase, and formally announced to my High Priestess “I was taking Wicca into my heart till the end of my days” and I also did excess research and realized I was picked as acting High Priest for the year. So I boosted my studies in between work shifts. Samhain was, “for my first”, a fantastic, as well as educational journey. I was not even bothered by the room of unknowns, but who were yet still strangely familiar to me. I even went as far as to memorize the lines Lady “we are not in a working circle” wanted.
It was not till after my spiritual awakening, and I know I was called to Paganism long before I realized it. And through this I found the deeper strength of forgiveness. Being long since in A.A., Wicca improved upon my sobriety program which will be eighteen years July 21, 2012. The weight and relief I finally experience with life itself is indescribable, as all these terrible things at long last stopped occurring. I am saying that there is hope even for the worst of life’s situations, but with out a strong spiritual foundation there was little more for me than being a dry drunk. I took it upon myself to be upfront with my family that Wicca is my practice; that this man “I am leaving nameless” is the love of my life. I did not expect them to like it, but accept that this is my path in life.
At first they all hated it. I received very religious Christmas cards, pamphlets about accepting Jesus as my savior; my mailbox was loaded with it. The best part was when I was knowledgeable enough to give them a history from whence their holiday traditions were imbued; my family began easing up on me because I knew so much about things like the Yule Log, tree decorating, candles, and even right down to a certain candle at midnight mass. Why it is never snuffed!
I suppose I have learned more than I realized through the years, but never had strong self-confidence. Literally, it was beaten out of me. Wicca gave me back a backbone as well. I can state my displeasure without having to explode anymore. What a relief that I can only say thank you to the Goddess! And thank you to the God! I have been given a beautiful second chance thanks to the Gods. But I could not merely sit on my laurel and do nothing to get it. It has taken so much work and studies; work I would gladly repeat if asked to. The Gods know I did not catch it all the first time through. And there is still a lot I need to know. My third cycle has commenced with my ceremonies at the ready, writing and performing “with my High Priestess” my first “Drawing Down the Moon” ritual. And I need to write a handfasting ritual. I have learned the absolute necessity of respecting all beliefs within my own practice, and the rewards keep coming.
In summary, I am saying that nothing is impossible if you truly want it. I did not go to psychiatric therapy though I might have needed it at one point in time. No matter how badly someone beats you, or treats you; you can forgive them “Forgiveness is a serious reward in itself”. I watched my dark passenger go from black to white, practically over night. There is so much more to this than what is here. I just tried to cover the general portions. I am saving all that for the book I am writing based off of fighting ones own demons, and the hardships of change. Perhaps the reader will find something of value here. After all, I was compelled to write it.
Location: Melbourne, Florida
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