Witchvox Article

Author: Lady Wolfwind
Posted: June 20th. 2010
Times Viewed: 1,736

I�ve learned a lot over the years. I�ve done a lot of thinking and have come to a lot of conclusions of why my life is the way it is.

As I�ve mentioned in a previous article, my grandparents raised me. Two loving individuals who made sure that I never needed nor wanted for anything brought me up. As I think back, years later in my life, I know now how blessed I was to have had them.

Also, as mentioned before, they both passed when I was quite young and quite ill equipped to deal with life, even though I thought otherwise. I made many bad decisions and as a consequence, I had to learn many lessons the hard way with no real guidance.

I was born and raised in a small town where everyone knew everyone and everyone�s business. I believe that it is a small town mentality that you go to school, meet your sweetheart, get married, have children, get a job, live your life and die.

I, unfortunately, fell into this small town paradigm. I didn�t realize at the time that after my mother passed when I was fourteen that my life as I knew it was over. After she passed, my father wasn�t interested or equipped to deal with a teen-age daughter. It is only after deep thinking and remembering those painful times that the truth of this was revealed to me. I had been lost in my own teenage mind, as is only natural.

It is very evident to me now that my father tried to get one of my family members to take me and finish raising me. Little pieces have fallen into place that I now remember. No one would help him. He provided the things he needed to. He loved me, he provided me with a home and food and clothes. The rest was up to me to figure out.

I got involved with a boy in high school. He professed to love me. I so wanted the home and security that I had been lacking since my mother�s death. I soon became pregnant and had such dreams of happily ever after. I was so na�ve. Just because it is supposed to be so doesn�t make it that way.

To make a long story short, we spent twelve miserable years together. We had four beautiful children together, whom I might add, paid the price of our misguided decisions. I walked away (luckily) with scars, deep-seated emotional trauma and fractured C4 vertebrae.

I was caught in a vicious cycle of knowing that things could change if I was a better person. Things would change if I were a better mother or girlfriend. Things would change if I didn�t get so mad over the fact that he drank too much, did drugs or slept with other women. After all, what is all of this if he would just let me be myself and live in peace without being terrified that I�d said or done something wrong?

Then there was the fact that I had no one to turn to or to trust. I had four little children and no money. Nowhere to go. No one saw how bad things really were. I was exaggerating; he was such a nice polite man. Oh, but they don�t know what goes on behind closed doors. The tears every time he touched me but not daring to say no. The thoughts of how to end it all without my children finding me. Was there no one to help me?

We moved to another state. I met a man. A man that I had dreamt about on countless nights. One who was kind and understanding. One who laughed and wasn�t afraid to show how he felt. A man who talked to me and thought I was smart and beautiful. One who wasn�t afraid to say so.

My boyfriend found out about this man. We weren�t having an affair. I would not dare to do that. Honestly, I may be killed in his rage. We did work together and I did enjoy talking to him. He was a small sliver of light that life could be different and happy. I soon realized that I had to make the choice.

It didn�t end as bad as I thought. I think my boyfriend was as relieved as I that it was finally over. Maybe it was my guardian angel watching out for me. There was a horrific fight and he told me that I could not be with this man. That this was my life; that I had children to think about. After all, if we split he was taking my son and I would never see him again.

I almost believed him. I cringed at the thought of never seeing my son again. I was inches away from surrendering to the fear. I made my choice. I chose to end it. My life has never been the same since. If you�re wondering, yes, he took my son and my oldest daughter back to our hometown. Yes, he used them as pawns to hurt me over the years. This has been my only regret. My daughter came to live with me a few years later but there was no way he was letting me have my son. To this day, I do not know him. I know that his head was filled with how terrible a person I was.

I married the man of my dreams. The one I saw as my savior. We have been married for twelve years this May. We have two children of our own. All of this has come with a price as well.

Throughout all this pain I discovered how strong I am. I had to change a huge number of thought processes to break the negative patterns in my life. I feel lucky that I recognized that if I didn�t, history would repeat itself and I would never have the happiness and success I sought in my life.

I went on a personal sabbatical. I read books. I thought very deeply on the workings of the human mind. I listened to motivational speakers. I was inspired. I saw a path. It had always been there. It was illuminated. It called to me and told me that I was one of the special ones. It said that I had the ability to help others and this was my calling in life. The only stipulation was that I had to find myself first.

Breaking negative thought processes is not an easy thing to do. I find that I still fall into them occasionally. They seem beyond my control. For example, my ex used to buy cheap, white sneakers. My husband only wore dark, name brand sneakers. One day, my husband came home from Wal-Mart with a pair of white sneakers. He was proud of himself for finally growing out of the stage where name brands mattered. Okay.

One night, coming home from work, when no one else was around, I walked into the house and there were these sneakers. I was instantly transported to a different time. Panic set in. My mind started racing and the tears started to form. Was this all a nightmare? I knew who�s they were, but my mind could not rationalize this.

So deep down, on some primitive level, the terror is still always there and I never know when I will be thrust into its debilitating grip. Little things, words, body language can send me reeling.

Negative thought processes could ruin your life. Negative attracts negative. I know. I am a living experiment. The negative phrases of being told I was a terrible person, a whore, an unfit mother, and �educated idiot� took forever to overcome. But overcome them I did. Slowly.

It is not easy work. It takes discipline. Every time I would think negative I changed courses and thought positive. My mind fought me. I was not within my comfort zone. This is not how I dealt with life. I was determined to change. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I did not look at my faults. I told myself how beautiful I was. How unique. I am just the way I was meant to be. The Goddess loves me as I am. I grew to understand the changes that my body went through as it aged. Every gray hair and every line is a blessing. It�s a badge of honor and courage of the battles that I have won. Why should I seek to change this?

I wake up every morning and I can walk and I can see and I am healthy and alive. I thank the Goddess and the God for this one small miracle. I look around and feel the breeze on my face, smell the moisture in the air and am thankful for the life that I have.

I do not ridicule others. I am human and at time I find my thought wandering in that direction. I try, at that point, to remind myself that I do not know what path they walk or what lessons have been put before them. If they are not nice, I do not involve myself with them. I say a prayer to my Lady that they may see all the beauty that lies around them and I feel sorry that they have learned to be so miserable.

I am sure that when I was younger, and in my past life, I was miserable as I was self-consumed with only surviving. That had been my main focus every day. Just to survive, nothing more.

I now know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am a strong woman. I can take care of myself and nothing will stand in the way of my caring for my children and my family.

I have learned to meditate and eat healthy. I teach my two younger children all I know. None of us is ever sick and we never have need of doctors. Mom has learned the way of the old ones and has discovered the secrets of herb. I can use them to heal most childhood complaints. I have my own garden and grow most of my own herbs, healing and culinary.

I have always believed that I have had someone who watches over me. I believe it is either my mother or my father. I have made the right choices. Choices are hard and must be made in the benefit of all involved and not just for self.

Over the course of these last twelve years, I have learned the power of positive thinking. It has been a long hard road. A lot of hard work and conscious thinking. Over time, it all came easily. It isn�t hard any more. My reward has not only been my own peace of mind and blissful happiness. I feel that the calmness and peacefulness of my spirit has lead to many revelations of the universe. Often, I find that I know things that have never been taught to me.

The peacefulness has taught me that all is right with the world. All is as it should be and everything works out just the way that it should without any meddling from us. Sure it may not be how we want it to be but the Goddess and God may have other plans that you may not be privileged to know.

All I know is this. Positive attracts positive. Pass along good thoughts and deeds and they impact everything else in the universe. Give and you shall receive. Love and you will be loved back. Respect and others will respect you. Life can change. Sometimes it costs you and it hurts. Make a conscious decision today to tell yourself and one other person how beautiful you and they are. Make small changes in the way you think.

On your way to work today, smile at someone, smell the jasmine as you leave the house and let these things touch your soul.

Happiness is not in what you have and don�t have. It�s not about money. It�s about what�s inside your own soul. What you have is enough. Thinking positive and seeing the beauty in everything around you can open up a whole world you never knew existed. Everything will change. New, more powerful things will be made apparent to you. The answers have always been there. When we think negatively we are just not allowed to see them.

Try it sometime; you will be glad you did.

ABOUT...

Lady Wolfwind

Location: Okeechobee, Florida

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