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Missing The Magick

Author: Mistress Ravenfyre
Posted: February 26th. 2006
Times Viewed: 3,836

Recently I lost something that was dear to my heart. Losing this was unexpected and took me back a step or two. I had many mixed feelings. Emotions welled up from nowhere. Mainly it was pain and sorrow for time lost or the feeling of never having what was there again. Amongst the emotions, the tears flowed and I wondered how many tears could fill a pond. Would I do as the song says "Cry me a river" and be swept away in them? Washing up on a dry and desolate land that I did not recognize? That was when I sat up, looked around and said to myself back this boat up! I smell a Pity Party coming on.

I had mentioned to a few of my closest associates that I felt as though the magic was gone. There was none. I questioned my own personal spiritually and of course my Deities, totems and guides. I even questioned the little floaters around my house. I did not really question so much - it was more of a "there is no magic, no spiritual learning, there is nothing but life’s cruel joke".

I explained to friends and family that I was going to take a brief time to relax, soul search (yes, again) and mend. Since the magic was gone it was all an illusion. Thinking that everything that I have built my trust, my dreams and faith upon was just that, an illusion. I was void from all emotions and knew deep down that I had had enough of the path I have been traveling.

Settling in for a long, miserable pity party (only one guest will be present, please) I began the festivities of walking away

Who Brought the Whine?

There I am set for the long haul of singing the blues. Letting go of things that I held so close to my heart. My faith. My devotion. My magic. I put on what I like to call my "comfort clothes". We all have them, admit it. Those crummy looking sweat pants, sloppy shirts and slippers that make our feet sing. Let the party begin. I started with the ceremonial laying down on the couch. Thinking of all the things said, felt, didn't say, never would do. The list goes on and on. Minutes passed into hours. By this time, I was feeling pretty good about myself and the pity that was covering me. From somewhere in my home there was a loud BOOM. To me it sounded like an explosion or gun shot but was located in my house. Now, I have a team of silly, normal boys with paint ball guns. They enjoy releasing air in the house and doing things that one should not do. I leapt off the couch and went room to room asking about the noise. Nobody had heard it. Well, I did. It was too loud to be my imagination. So, off I went back to the couch. Only this time I wasn't feeling all that bad. Wait a minute - I am supposed to be crying. Sitting there I looked at my surroundings and smiled. I felt something different.

What Changed?

I thought OK I'll go to my room and continue my quest for self destruction. Walking in I saw all the things that give me great comfort. My new antique vanity (my birthday gift to me), my demonic statues and my painting of Anton LaVey. Ah, now there is a man after my heart – dead, I thought laughing. A heavy sigh and the tears welled up once more. A deep sadness filled my body and I was happy that the party was still in force. I cried, I ranted, I stared into space. I was preparing to pack each and every implement, talisman, you name it away. Illusions are gone. Faith gone. So must everything that reminds me of it.

Then something caught my eye. My statues of Ganesh. Ganesh has been a part of my life for some time now. Showing himself in a dream and making his presence known. Loudly at times. For those that do not know much about Ganesh, the Guide removes obstacles. Ganesh expresses the unity of man, the Great Being. Ganesh always has a solution at hand for every problem. At times throwing in obstacles as tests of our stamina and love. He does this with love, of course. He can be a blessing and a nightmare. Balance, my friends, always balance.

Ganesh: Bless You

Now, I am a firm believer in signs from our deities. At this time though I am walking away. I am lost in the swamp land of muck and mire.

My children all venture upstairs to my room. I think to myself why can’t they just go away and let me drown in my pity? Not my children. They are like bulls raging down the alleys of Spain. One by one they say something either very serious or very comical. Finally they leave me. I am now mad that they made me happy. How can I be happy when I am miserable? Damn them, I think and actually say out loud. Only the walls hear me.

I watch something on TV but my eyes keep going to Ganesh. Him and his whimsical looks, charm and knowing glare. I nearly covered him up but felt that would be disrespectful. I ask him to kindly leave me alone. Yet I do not think he was listening to me at all. He was just there all around me like a cozy blanket. I did my normal ritual thanking for the many wonderful and good things that did happen that day, and threw in a little request. Ganesh was the last thing I saw before passing out in what I thought would be a restless night.

Follow Your Dreams

My dreams were filled with a mixture of visions. They went from past events to nightmarish animals. Waking from one I shook it off as stress. I deserve these nightmares I thought. After falling back to sleep the dreams changed to something else. I saw Ganesh (yes, the stress of the day and mind control does that) and felt as if he were speaking to me. There was someone else there also in the shadows it seemed. Lilith came out smiling. The conversation and feelings that I had during this dream were the most extraordinary I have ever had. I saw things that I have never seen in my wildest dreams. And they can be pretty wild. When it seemed that they were both finished with whatever it was they felt they had to do, I awoke. I did my normal get the children ready for school, make the coffee - the normal routine. I stopped and noticed something. My home felt lighter, the mood was actually light and airy. My cats and birds were acting bouncy and sillier than they have been. I didn't feel a heavy weight or sorrow. I finished with the normal things that I do and went up and bowed to Ganesh. I thought, You silly elephant thanks for the message - I get it. I thanked Lilith, for she showed me more than I would ever hope to see.

Magic is Every Where

You may be wondering if I am still sad. The answer is yes, very much so. Especially if there is no specific closure.

When one looses something or someone very important to them it takes time to mourn the passing. I will feel this grief for many years to come. Even today writing this I feel a jab or two. Yet I am OK. I will be OK. I would definitely like to see something change but if it doesn't I will live and go on. I will be happy no matter what it takes. One can not let go of the past until we look at it to see what we have learned from the experience. We must see if there is anything that we could or would have changed. Individuals must learn from the bad as well as the good that happens to them. Once this is accomplished we are free to let it go with the wind. I would love to have the missing part replaced and returned but it may not. Only time and reflection will tell. That saddens me. In my own soul searching (which I am still doing), will I want it to return? I am unsure one way or the other.

When we build dreams and hopes, only to see them fall apart, we are prone to not seeing the future because we are left with the feeling of nothing. There is always a new bridge to be built. The key is to make new hopes, dreams and goals. Never loosing sight of the life that is right around the corner. Turning that corner is filled with fear of the unknown. Change is so frightening. Change is needed so we do not become still and stagnate.

We also must remember that the magic never leaves us, we leave the magic. Some return while others may not. In my gloom I was ready to give up my magic, my faith but my deities were not going to let me do so for something so shallow. I think they believe in us as much as we them. I am very thankful for that. In our times of doubts they are there when needed. Showing us what it is we need to see.

The magic is there. Look around and you will see it clearly. For me it is there in the faces of my children. The magic is in everything that is around me. Loosing my faith? My faith, just like the magic, never left. Thinking about walking away was only an excuse to bury my pain instead of facing it head on. My devotion and faith remain intact and even stronger than before.

I sit here thinking once more that there is a plan, a lesson, a sense of gained knowledge that has been given me. It is up to me to pick myself up, dust off the remorse and once again travel down my path. With each step that takes me closer to the end of the adventure called life, the magic and devotion will be my tried and true companion.

What do I think that big boom was? I think it was my head coming out my rear…but we'll never know, will we?




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