Articles/Essays From Pagans
June 16th. 2013 ...
How To Stay Spiritual Amidst This Chaos?
Hearing The Music And Dancing The Dance
A Tale of the Wood
June 9th. 2013 ...
The Nature of Sacrifice
The Magick of Buildings
Start your own Pagan Church in Canada - A Detailed Guide
June 2nd. 2013 ...
Maiden, Mother, Who?! (A Discussion of the Triple Goddess)
Gods Who Live In My House
Why the 'Redneck Pagan'?
Among the Greenwod - An Interview with Raven Grimassi
May 26th. 2013 ...
So You Think You've Found a Teacher...
Learning To Live Your Own Life
Raising Personal Magickal Energy for Spellwork
Casting The Wiccan Circle
May 19th. 2013 ...
The Role of Identity in Magic
Talking Trash? It's a Dirty Subject but Waste Happens.
My Wiccan Journey
13 Keys: The Victory of Netzach
May 12th. 2013 ...
Pagan Studies I: How Should We Define Modern Paganism?
The Third Path
Nothing Special... Part Two
May 5th. 2013 ...
The Value of Multicultural Awareness
Put Your Back Into It (Our Lady of the Sacred Honey Badger)
Moon Musings, Planetary Preponderances and Red Lipped Bat Fish
April 28th. 2013 ...
Lessons from the Lessers: Iris
April 21st. 2013 ...
Taken By The Goddess: The Crescent Moon Tattoo
The Gods/Being Godbothered
To Be A Witch
The Archetypes are Gods: Re-godding the Archetypes
April 14th. 2013 ...
On The Inclusion of Children
'Wand Fun' With Grandson
Lessons from a Baby
Lessons of Freedom: On Divinity and Healing
April 7th. 2013 ...
Out of the Broom Closet... Sorta
A Journey Through the Witches Tarot
History and Science Behind Numerology
March 31st. 2013 ...
What is the Magickal Self?
Ethics and Numerology
March 24th. 2013 ...
Keystones of the Sacred Land
March 17th. 2013 ...
Why Some Pagans and Witches Still Hide
Witch Heritage 101: What Happens When Witch Haters Joke about anti-Witch Films
I'm Not a Broom. So What's with the Closet?
March 10th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Things I Did as a New Pagan: Part 3
Hunting for the Real Witch in Film
The Collective Shadow
Lies - The Opposite of Truth
March 3rd. 2013 ...
Grounding and Releasing Negative Energy
A Patchwork of Magick
February 24th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Mistakes I Made as a New Pagan (Part Two)
February 17th. 2013 ...
Top Ten Stupid Mistakes I made as a New Pagan... Part One
Gardening with Crystal Energies
A Call from the Ancestors
Moon Musings, Planetary Preponderances and Black Water Snakes
February 10th. 2013 ...
We Are the Weirdos, Mister: A Completely Uncool Story of Origin
February 3rd. 2013 ...
"I'll Grind Your Bones to Make my Bread": Pagans and Animal Husbandry
The Role of Contemporary Culture in Magic
A Pagan Response to Endangered Earth
The Great Mother's Gift, Heinlein, and the Nature of Squirrels
13 Keys: The Glory of Hod
January 27th. 2013 ...
Why We Do Need Wicca
The Cosmos In the Coffee Shop
On Travel Spirituality and Magick
January 20th. 2013 ...
Beloved Backs and How to Save Them
Building or Burning Bridges?
Plants, Magic and Intuition
Plagiarism - How It Harms Our Community
January 13th. 2013 ...
Ramblings of a Pagan Guy: Stupid Clichés
The Magick and Power of Words
Aging Is Not Easy
The Riddle of Who We Are?
January 6th. 2013 ...
Wicca v Witchcraft
NOTE: For a complete list of articles related to this chapter... Visit the Main Index FOR this section.
From Faith to Indifference and to Faith Again
Article ID: 14968
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 451
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Posted: March 25th. 2012
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I’ve read more articles here on WitchVox than I can remember, slinking quietly through cyberspace and admiring those with enough courage to speak to the world. Now it is time to take my place amongst them, and tell my convoluted story of how I came to Wicca.
January 30th, 2003, was the day my grandfather passed away from a long and hard battle against cancer. I was only twelve and spent the next few days in a fog, crying in private and outwardly trying to hold it together for all the younger grandkids. After the funeral, I was trying to understand his death and I asked one of my great-aunts a childishly simple question.
“Will my grandpa be able to see me from Heaven? I miss him.”
“No, sweetie. Your grandpa won’t be in Heaven. He didn’t follow the Ten Commandments, so he’s going to Hell as a sinner.”
I’m sure she thought she was instilling an important lesson of faith and obedience in a child, but I was devastated. I had always been a “Grandpa’s Girl”, spending time with him in the barn or garage, taking day-long fishing trips together, and now an adult had told me he was going to Hell. To me, that meant flames, torture and pain with the half-goat horned Satan laughing from his throne, all images gotten from the church we attended. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t going to Heaven, wearing a pretty outfit, talking to God, flying around and relaxing on clouds. My grandfather was no better and no worse than any other man – he drank, smoked, spanked his grandbabies when they deserved it, drove too fast and cussed too much – but how did that equal a one-way ticket to Hell? He loved, laughed, bent over backwards to help a friend, and provided for his family. Shouldn’t that balance the scales a little?
The more I thought about it over the next year, the more sure I became in my conclusion. Christianity sucked as a faith, and I was done with it. I needed something less extreme and more loving and welcoming. I spent the next two years alternating between a desperate search for faith, and absolutely not caring. I half-heartedly looked into Buddhism, Atheism, Agnostic Christianity, and a few others, but none had the answers I needed. I had heard of Wicca, but the facts had been covered in such a thick layer of sarcasm that they’d passed me by, and I laughed the religion off. I mean, really? Witches? Magic? Isis, Zeus, Venus? What a load of crap, and each person who followed it had to be crazy. With this firmly in mind I ignored every Wicca-related result that came out of my Google searches, until it was the only blue link left. Finally it penetrated my thick skull that this might just be a hint, the electronic equivalent of a blinking neon sign, and I clicked the first one.
For me, that was the beginning. From the moment I entered the www.teenWitch.com website my life was different, better. Here were the answers I’d been looking for, and I could’ve kicked myself for not paying more attention and reaching this epiphany sooner. I visited all those sites I’d been ignoring, soaking up information like a sponge, then made a beeline for my local library. I read, and read, and read.
And this is what led to my second religion crisis. Everything I was reading said that Wiccans did magick. I didn’t cast spells, I didn’t do ritual; I read books, acknowledged my gods and goddesses of choice privately, and carried on pretending to the world I was a Christian. Disgusted with myself and positive I was in the wrong, I turned away from Wicca in shame, horrified that I’d been calling myself a Witch when I was nothing of the sort.
For more than a year I ignored those whispers in my heart that reminded me of that sense of belonging and firmly shut my mind to any thought of religion. I, obviously, was a failure at religion, having turned away from two faiths in my life. Besides, it was my senior year and I had other things to deal with. I still wore my pentacle out of habit, unwilling to give it up, and carried on my charade. I celebrated my eighteenth birthday, went through graduation, and got a car and a job. I took my place in adult society, and tried to fit into that mold. Each time something inside me fluttered, reminding me of the faith I’d left, I locked it away. I put it into an internal chest, wrapped chains around it and poured concrete. I was NOT a Wiccan, because I was not a Witch, and that was that. Facts could not be changed.
I was driving around the countryside one day that summer, enjoying a rare day off work, and my car broke down. Opening the hood there was no obvious signal to me of what was wrong, so I shrugged my shoulders and closed it, sitting on the trunk in the sunlight as I waited for my stepdad to rescue me.
I sat in that sunlight for two long hours before he arrived, gratefully refusing assistance from passersby, my mind drifting in a lovely fashion from thought to thought, and I realized something. This was when I felt the most at peace, the most connected with someone or something greater than me. When I was outside, I knew without a doubt there was a Divine, and it surrounded me. I could feel the presence, the energy, and I accepted it. It took me almost two years to understand that Wicca was about faith and that the spellcraft aspect of it meant nothing unless I gave it meaning, and only two hours to accept that I could be a Wiccan, without being a Witch.
On a busy country road in the summer of 2008, I found my faith and finally made peace with myself. I’m still finding out my particulars and building my (currently) eclectic Path, and that’s okay. I have my foundation to build from.
Location: White Cloud, Michigan
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