Self Doubt About My Path: Am I Just a Normal Teenager?
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Article ID: 14562
Age Group: Adult
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Posted: July 10th. 2011
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Someone looking at me from the outside could probably say Iím just a normal girl.
I go to a public high school. I have a boyfriend, and a small circle of friends that I share interests, thoughts, and giggles with. Iím relatively quiet, but I wouldnít call myself shy. I like school (IS that really normal?) . I live in the suburbs, in a middle class family.
Then, if you dug deeper, you would find the natural spirit, the compassion and love for Nature. You would find a passion for learning about everything in this world and even others. And if you really knew me well, you would know I have a deep love and interest in faeries and the Fey.
These are just a few things that set me apart from others. But there is one other thing.
I have decided to begin walking the Pagan path.
Ooh, gasp! How could she? First of all, I should probably explain how I found out and got interested in Wicca/Paganism, etc.
I grew up basically Christian. I did read my 'kids' Bible (usually just for fun) . I sometimes prayed to God; mostly when I wanted something. I didnít go to church, however. I was invited a few times by my friends when I was younger, but I never had any real interest in going regularly. I have always been a skeptic, and by 6th grade, I had my doubts about the religion of Christianity. My beliefs as a feminist fueled this; also, since I believe Christianity significantly belittles women and places men as superior figures. However, I didnít voice these doubts until 8th grade, when I grew into a somewhat rebellious stage. This is when I became a self-proclaimed atheist.
However, even after I proudly (arrogantly!) posted my religious preference on Facebook, I never gave up on the belief that somewhere out there was someone, something that would listen to me, that was watching over me. I would run outside into my wooded backyard and search for signs of faeries, make faerie houses, take notice of those little magickal things every day, and wonder in general about life. It was about this time that I began to notice my magickal abilities. These I largely ignored until the beginning of my freshman year, after I broke up with my bad-boy boyfriend and somewhat cast off the rebellious cloak that had previously enveloped me.
Here, my beliefs blossomed. I began exploring other religions, specifically Hinduism. There was a short period of time where I used the Hindu Trimurti (the three ďmainĒ gods, Shiva, Vishnu, and Brahma) in prayers and researched them like mad. Unfortunately, this did not pay off well for me, as praying for selfish reasons to gods you donít truly believe in will not bring kind favors from them! However, I still regard the Hindu religion with esteem, as it is peaceful and basically accepting of other beliefs unlike some other religions.
Around this time, my brother began going to karate, and right next to his karate place, there is an occult shop. I was extremely curious about it, but scared to go in. One day, I finally conquered these Ďfearsí, and went inside and looked around. I was amazed. This shop opened up a proverbial new world for me, as Iím sure has happened with many others, and this is where I found out more about Wicca and Neo-Paganism.
In short, after months studying the books they had there and purchasing incense and crystals and various trinkets, I began to really connect with the Pagan spirituality. It seemed like something I had always wished for, but never knew was there. I realized I had always been this way, but I never knew there was a name for it. Iím sure many others can relate. I felt elated at the spirituality I was finally beginning to accept. And hereís where I ran into a problem.
Have any of you ever doubted yourself, ever wondered if what you felt and what you wanted to do wasnít right or true, or maybe was just a lie? This is what I began feeling. I knew I had explored other religions before, and even though I didnít feel the ecstatic happiness I did now, they didnít end up working out for me. A mindset of ďIím just a teenager! Do I really know what I want?Ē came over me. Sure, after much study I had read about the so-called ďfluffy bunniesĒ that werenít serious about finding and living the true ways of Wicca/Paganism. And yes, I began wondering if I was just one of them.
I was, and still am, cautious about letting people know about my practices and beliefs, fearing that would make me one of those teenagers just trying for shock value by saying ďIím a Witch!Ē (Something Iíve never done and will never do.) I was unsure about wearing my pentacle for the same reasons. I read my witchy books in class, but mostly kept any work on my book of shadows away from even my boyfriend until recently. Itís not that I am ashamed of being a Pagan- Iím just afraid of being proud for the wrong reasons.
I try to learn and take in as much as I can. One book I really liked was Spirit of the Witch by Raven Grimassi. * I have tabs all through that book and I constantly look back to it for information. I havenít yet performed my dedication rites, and I want to make sure I know as much as I can about my goddesses and my spiritual path before truly committing my life to them.
Some of that initial self doubt still lingers- Am I sure Iím on the right path? What if others think Iím just fluff? What if Iím doing this ritual totally wrong? What if my ideas are immature? (Especially this one!) - but Iíve learned to be at peace with my path. Iím still learning! Itís ok to ask questions and make mistakes. Itís also ok to doubt. Heck, thatís what the Path is all about- questioning and learning as you go.
I hope others will be able to identify with me when I say that I had, and still have some self-doubt about becoming a Wiccan/Pagan. Iím still learning that you just have to trust your instincts and whatever higher power you believe in, and do what you feel is right to do.
Copyright: Spirit of the Witch by Raven Grimassi 2003 Llewellyn Publications
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
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