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Article ID: 15106

VoxAcct: 284878

Section: words

Age Group: Adult

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Out of the Frying Pan and Into Motherhood

Author: Deborah Castellano
Posted: June 24th. 2012
Times Viewed: 2,937

Maidenhood was easy. First on top of a table to shake my butt, I could metabolize tequila at rate so terrifying that there was a hundred dollar bet that I could out-drink a guy twice my size that I won. I wore stompy boots with sparkly laces to my cubeville job. Knowing how to own myself wasn't a hard lesson for me, I did everything I was supposed to do as an empowered Maiden of the late 90's/early 00's. Majored in Women's Studies in the biggest women's college in the country, worked for the National Organization for Women, backpacked around Europe in an international pharmaceutical adventure, got my tummy pierced, got wings tattooed on my lower back, made my own money, all of it.

But no matter how much we may want it to be, maidenhood isn't forever. But what would it mean for me, someone with no plans to have children, to become a mother? Part of my Pagan background is being a Dianic Wiccan and while we've talked about being a virgin doesn't mean you're a maiden, having a baby doesn't necessarily make you a Mother and going through menopause doesn't automatically grant you Cronehood.

I mean, look at Sixteen and Pregnant, most of those girls aren't exactly the picture of maturity and certainly there are women who have to get procedures done that bring on early menopause but that doesn't imbue a thirty year old with a sixty year old's breadth of wisdom and knowledge.

It's not that I don't like children, I actually do. I'm currently a nanny by trade and a doting auntie to my first nephew. But for me, having and raising children would be a very difficult process due to my fibromyalgia. There are other reasons too, financial issues and questions about being selfless enough to be an awesome mother and a lack of a biological desire to reproduce 99% of the time for me. With all of those complications and with a partner who is similarly ambivalent, we decided together that ambivalence isn't the best place to start parenthood, given our particulars.

So where does that leave me as a Mother if I'm not going to have children? It was the strangest thing but I felt myself transitioning into motherhood at about 28. I didn't want to go willingly into that good night. I was a party girl and I didn't want to become a grown up as described in The Breakfast Club (“When you grow up, your heart dies".) . The idea of becoming a drone who went to work, watched television, and went to bed in a never ending lather, rinse, maim cycle curled my insides.

Defiantly, I wanted to mark my transition in a way that would be absolutely completely unacceptable to my mother; I had my clitoral hood pierced. But there, crouched in a birthing position and giving an Amazon scream when pierced, I realized there was no avoiding it.

Shortly after that, my marriage ended and for the first time in my twenties I realized I needed to cut the crap and stop living life all Rent “No Day But Today”-style because tomorrow kept coming and I had gotten myself into a heap of debt in the process with no savings for the future. I did a lot of thinking about the mistakes I had made in that relationship and what I wanted in romantic relationships. It was important to me to spend time figuring out what parts about myself were not serving me well in my life and how to change them. For the first time, I became concerned about my future.

In some ways, I became another person. Don't get me wrong, I still love throwing a cocktail party and laughing and having a good time but I also became very invested in having a permanent hearth I could call my own. Saving for my retirement became important, as did starting my own crafting business and getting serious about my writing career. All of that took a lot of work, figuring out a day job I could enjoy and pay me enough to finance my dreams, getting a mortgage for a hearth I could call my own during a terrible part of the economy, figuring out what relationships were serving me and which ones weren't, getting engaged to be married again to a partner who saw me as their equal and did their share around the house with common goals and dreams, figuring out a business plan and vending opportunities for my craft business, really rolling up my sleeves with my writing career and getting published more and figuring out what I was trying to accomplish as a writer, finding a deeper center in my spiritual practice. While babies weren't and aren't on my horizon, I was certainly plenty busy giving birth to the person I wanted to be.

But besides all of that practical life stuff, from a magical perspective? After my maidenhood being about a version of Persephone who went willingly with Hades to dodge her drag of a mother and get to where the fun is, I found myself tapped very hard by Demeter. The Summer Solstice of my thirtieth year, I was asked by my Druidic grove to lead the ritual and invoke Demeter. In my workings with her, she was very specific about reaching motherhood meant having the wisdom to skip the cheap booze and drink the good stuff as well as other important key points such as knowing when you're going to go to a concert in the middle of the week and planning your work schedule around it. To be successful as a mother, She suggested learning Balance. Balance teaches us what's worth doing and what's worth skipping. Sometimes I still need to go to a party that goes on until 3am and sometimes I'm better served with my favorite bottle of red wine, my favorite wool plaid blanket and an old movie.

Standing in the stone court yard in my long cotton green Grecian style dress and invoking Her, I felt it. Pop. My Senior Druid saw it happen as I felt it, she later told me. Just like that I transitioned from Maiden to Mother in the middle of New Brunswick on a hot summer day, standing in my own power, present in my own body, ready to birth any dream I wanted into existence, owning the ground I stood on. I never looked back.

Mid Maiden Crisis: and c=words and id=10514


Deborah Castellano

Location: , New Jersey


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