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Gay Pagans

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Year: 2013 ...

The LGBT Community Within the Pagan Community

The Witch, The Tiger, and out of the Wardrobe


Year: 2012 ...

Dancing Down the Spiral


Year: 2011 ...

My Pre-Wiccan Struggles


Year: 2010 ...

The Gays and Paganism

Disenchantment and a Sense of True Polarity

Insights of a Non Initiated "Novice"

Discovery


Year: 2008 ...

A Reason to Be Happy: Both Sides of the Divine

Understanding


Year: 2007 ...

Gender and Paganism

From Catholicism to Wicca

The Dark Moon and HIV


Year: 2006 ...

Closets Within Closets

Oops. I Think I Broke My Dichotomy....


Year: 2005 ...

The Amethyst Pentacle


Year: 2004 ...

Spells for Same Sex Couple's Equal Rights


Year: 2003 ...

Queer Initiation

The Role of the Sacrificed Youth at Samhain


Year: 2000 ...

The Queer Craft

Coming Out of the Broom Closet


Year: 1999 ...

Out of the Closet


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Article ID: 15028

VoxAcct: 418491

Section: gay

Age Group: Adult

Days Up: 544

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Dancing Down the Spiral

Author: MorriganWest83
Posted: October 21st. 2012
Times Viewed: 3,036

My Name is Morrigan West Lefay and this is my story. It's a warning of the dark path.

When I was very young I knew there was something different about me. I remember talking to imaginary friends who weren't so imaginary after all. One such 'visitor' my mother found a death certificate for. Others were loved ones of people I knew. I started off not knowing what I was doing or even realizing that it was abnormal. I didn't know or realize that I had a connection with the other side.

I remember my mom taking me to restaurants when I was little and on several occasions people who were dying were drawn to me. This one lady came up to me when I was seven at a restaurant and just hugged me and said ‘this child is powerful’ to my mom. I didn't understand what she was saying. Then on my tenth birthday, two psychics came up to me on the beach and talked to me, saying how I had such a strong energy. They gave me a quartz crystal to help me channel my energy. They warned me of the dark arts and how I would be tempted by darkness but not to let it in..... So every time I had a bad feeling or energy, I would imagine a steel box surrounding me and it would go away. I wore that crystal around my neck until one day at school it just disappeared.

When I was nine, my mom and I were at a church rummage sale and we found an old Ouija board. I didn't really need it as I was talking to spirits on a regular basis but I was drawn to it. Around the same time when I lost the crystal, the Ouija board started working. I started talking to things I couldn't see and they would never identify themselves.

I remember around the last time I used it, it counted and went through the alphabet backwards and I passed out. The very next day I started wearing all black and lighting black candles. Chanting and spells started coming natural to me. Parlor tricks were my game. Kids who made fun of me at school would get mysteriously injured, or sick. I thought I had it under control but then my attitude changed. My mom didn't recognize me anymore. My friends didn't know who I was anymore and I ran away from home. Refusing to believe this had anything to do with practicing the dark arts, I continued down my path of destruction.

Some people don't believe in this sort of thing and I respect that. But for years I practiced it and saw things that one would only see in horror movies and nightmares. I would laugh at people who didn't believe spirits could cause harm because I watched and became victim to spirit assault. I would have scratches and bruises all over my body. I would have black-outs for hours and sometimes days where people would say I was someone else completely, my voice would change my demeanor would change and sometimes my voice would have 3 or more tones at once.

When I was 16, it got worse. I moved in with my father and it would get so angry when he said that he saw demons all around me. I would black out at night and would come to realizing I was putting curses on him. I would cancel them out every time, however it got progressively worse... When I ran away and went back to Seattle, I began working in an occult bookshop as a tarot reader. Between clients, I would read books on how to make someone fall in love with me.

There was one boy who didn't like me and who I wanted to love me. Well, I tried every single spell I learned on him using the words "I want him to fall for me so hard to where he can only think of me to the point where he can't stand it. I want him to want me so bad that he won't rest until he has me." Needless to say I got exactly what I asked for. He went completely psychotic and obsessed over me to the point where he wanted me dead.

I also almost lost my leg due to infected spider bites. When I went back to the occult store, they told me that what I did was an abuse of power and mind rape and that the particular spirit I called on was the one who infected me with spider bites. (According to legend, when she was angry she would turn men into poisonous spiders.) I tried reversing the spell but there were too many steps done and I couldn't undo it. However right when I begged for forgiveness, my leg was better. But the wound still didn't heal for three years. I was also bound from using magick for a year. (Meaning I even lost my psychic abilities.)

After that year was up, I didn't need spells anymore, and was way beyond parlor tricks. The spirits came back flooding in, my abilities were stronger than ever and all I had to do was think it and it would happen. I used my gifts for pure evil. Vengeance was my nature. I didn't realize the toll it was taking on me. I was also into drugs. My heart grew very cold and sadness consumed me. I subsequently ended up homeless, delusional, and addicted to drugs. I had lost everything.

Then I remembered the day on the beach when I was ten. "No matter what you do, don't let the darkness in; it will consume you" I broke down and cried until there was nothing left inside of me. I couldn't just will it away. The spirits were gone. The gods weren't listening. My abilities were failed. I was just an empty shell. Everything I was warned about happened.

I come from a long line of mediums and psychics on both sides of my family. My father sees spirits as well as the rest of his side. One aunt can talk to animals, and others are empaths. My mother has dreams and can read energy and can predict things before they happen. However none of them went where I went with it. I had a double whammy as I had it all....

Long story short, I got my life semi-cleaned up, rarely used my cards and my abilities came back. But I couldn't practice anything without having terrible consequences. However, I tried using it for good but it would still always end badly.

But let me tell you how it saved my life.

Right before my overdose, when I came down here to South Florida, I dropped my tarot cards and the Tower of destruction fell out. When I picked it up, I got violently ill and that night I overdosed. When I overdosed, I saw a woman standing there before me. She didn't speak but I knew who she was. She had tears streaming down her face yet she was smiling. She extended her hand and I took it ready to go wherever she was taking me. She shook her head and touched my chest. All of a sudden, a jolt hit me. I woke up with energy I haven't felt since before this all began. I knew that I died for those few minutes and that whatever had been plaguing me was gone. Everything was back.

I was back.

About 2 months later, my cards were sent to me. I used them a couple times but they told me something that scared the hell out of me. They told me someone close to me was going to die. Sure enough, one of my friends had died. She died in the exact way I was told. Afterward, I saw her a few times. Since then I have seen spirits all around just like when I was little. I haven't used my cards since but I haven't wanted to get rid of them.

I let darkness in and I honestly believe that I was possessed. Even before drugs came into my story, the darkness consumed me. It overtook me and I was never the same.

What do I believe in now? I strongly believe in the God and Goddess and all the spirits in between. However, I do not believe in using my power for personal gain by any means. Rarely do I use the forces of magick and I do not practice nor condone the use of darkness. However I do believe that without dark there would be no light.

I am a lighter shade of grey now. Magick for some people can be as addictive as heroin. It takes on a life of its own and can develop a strong physical hold on someone if not used wisely. My abilities are growing every day now, and they can be overwhelming at times, but in the end, it comes down to me and the spirits and higher powers I follow to determine how it is used.

I believe and practice the Wiccan Rede. "Do what thou will, and harm none". And that is my story. Blessed Be.





Footnotes:
Gay witch, gay wicca. Autobiography


Copyright: Morrigan West Lefay This is on my personal blog site feb 20 2012



ABOUT...

MorriganWest83


Location: Bristol, Pennsylvania

Website: http://morriganwest.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-spiritual-story.html

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