The Element of Fear
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Article ID: 13193
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 1,803
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Author: Layla Talora Eshe
Posted: May 17th. 2009
Times Viewed: 2,085
I live in fear.
Fear that I am insignificant, unworthy, and unwanted. A fear that stops me from doing things that I want to do, going places that I want to go, and really living life to the fullest extent.
As a Pagan, I believe in two things very strongly. I believe in reincarnation that depending on the things we do in this life, will determine the next. And I believe that we all have a destiny, a fate, something we are to accomplish in this life, no matter how small it is. While I may be one of the few with my opinions they are still there, in the back of my mind, taunting me.
Here lies my biggest problem, I think I know the main thing I am to accomplish in my life, and yet, I am too scared to do it. I feel it in my veins, my heart, and my very core; and yet, the negative part of my mind, still aims to sabotage me. It tells me, “No, you are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.” And the sad part is, most days I believe it.
What is it I am meant to do? I am to share my music with the world.
Being an empathic witch, I feel things deeply; I relate to others feelings and even take them on myself. When I write music, and sing, I connect with people and their feelings and emotions, because not only do I have them on my own, I have theirs too. I need only to be near them or in a room they were in to feel what they feel, and understand them completely.
This is what I am meant to do; I have no question about that. Problem is I am scared. This fear keeps me from pursuing this fate, this destiny of mine, and it has started to weigh on me... on my mind, my body, and most recently, my heart. I feel empty and sad for being so afraid and letting the negative part of my mind hold me back. On my stronger days I know I could do it, all of it, anything I wanted to. But those days are few and far between. Most days I succumb to my negative thoughts and let my life slowly pass me by, merely wishing I had the courage to get up and do what I want most in this life.
Some days I can’t even turn on the radio for the music I would hear would only be a reminder of what I am not doing. I haven’t picked up my guitar or sat at my piano in months. I have hardly sung a note and even then it was on accident. My notebooks are no longer filled with verses and choruses to songs; they sit there on my shelf, empty and sad.
When I moved to Nashville, with hopes of recording and singing in my head, my family and friends rejoiced. And so did I, for I thought I could do this. That I was strong enough to strike out on my own and do what I was sure I was meant to do.
I was very wrong.
After a few months here the fear started to creep in, and finally it made a home. It was downhill from there. I let the fear grow and grow; unable I thought to stop it. Then it started to bleed over into other aspects of my life as well. I suddenly wanted nothing more to stay at home, by myself, and see no one. That then developed into being afraid to see anyone. I let the fear take over my life.
One night, in total depression and fear I finally did what I should have done before. I reached out to the Goddess for help. There in my living room, I fell to my knees and begged her to protect me, from myself. I let it all out, everything in my heart and my mind, all my thoughts and fears, and what was left of my hope. Though, I suspect, this entire story she already knew, but she listened. My heart felt lighter, and finally I slept.
I came to the realization that me fear had caused much turmoil in my life, but had also caused me to become distant from my Gods as well. I felt ashamed at my weakness and lack of courage, so I stopped talking to them as I once did. Instead I hid that part of myself, locked away, or so I let myself believe.
I let myself think that just because I didn’t voice all of this, that it was hidden away. But the Gods know what is truly in our hearts, and they knew my pain and fear. Patiently though, they waited for me to come back to them, to confide once again in them, and finally, ask for help.
The road I was to walk to finding myself again was going to be long, and hard. That I was going to have good and bad days, just like before. But this time I would be living for the good days, and not just let the bad wash over me and hope I survive the flood. I was going to combat the bad days, and I knew just how I was to do it. Love.
I realized then I would have to really be honest with myself and discover the root of my fear. After much searching, I realized the root was simply, lack of self-love. My lack of self-love had turned into a great fear, which then started to consume other parts of my life, until I was overcome with it all. After this epiphany hit me, I was faced with another problem, how do you change your thoughts?
I decided that the only way to change my thoughts was to keep an eye on them. Realize when I was thinking negatively and immediately replace it with something kind. This took some effort. It was not an easy thing to do by any means, and it is still hard some days. But I try to remind myself to look at myself as the Goddess does, perfect and pure. I try to love myself as she loves me, fully and without restraint. And finally I try to be courageous, as she would want me to be, for she wants me to be happy and succeed.
I guess my point in writing this is that while there is light and dark in all of us, we need not face the darkness alone. There are always friends, family and our Gods to look to for hope and light. While the darkness at times may seem never ending, there is always an end. We just have to be willing to ask for help. There is no shame in admitting you cannot do something on your own. And facing darkness such as this (or like this) should not have to be endured alone. No one should be in pain, fear or suffer alone. Help will always be there when asked for.
To start to overcome mine I had to be honest with myself and my Gods; to open up fully and make a choice. Either I would live like this for the rest of my time here, or I would choose to make a stand and change it.
I choose to change it. What will you choose?
Layla Talora Eshe
Location: Lebanon, Tennessee
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