The Battles Within
Article ID: 13314
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 1,858
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Author: Elwin Shadowstrider
Posted: July 26th. 2009
Times Viewed: 2,355
The days lately have felt empty; something has been missing. The missing “something” was huge, something that I knew would complete just who and what I am, and will ever be. First I thought maybe it was my job, the endless repairs and repetitious nonsense that takes place day to day in any repair shop. Then I figured it out that wasn’t it, I then turned and looked at my life, maybe my house wasn’t just the “right” one, I didn’t have enough money, well, who does these days? Maybe the car I drive wasn’t so nice, after many weeks of looking around me, trying so hard to find fault with something, there was none to be found.
My life is good; I have many blessings from Her that I can see and count, and some I can even hold. Some even hug and kiss back, and some even lick my face from one end to the other, and one crazy feline who decides just when I just have to get out of bed on my off days.
So, then, what was the problem? Why the intense scrutiny upon my life and myself? No, this isn’t the makings of a mid-life crisis. I have already done more than many men will EVER do in their lives, and all that was before I was twenty.
So, what is the deal? I know my Path, I KNOW my Goddess. I know that She is mine, and I am Hers, irrevocably, there is no other. None. Why then, the moodiness? Why the searching for something that was missing, as if searching for something I had already found? The terrible emptiness and the feeling of being beyond tired, as if sleep weren’t enough?
Many things had lost their savor, even the simple joy of the mornings awakening to the mockingbird that sings as if his heart were breaking every morning. Why, dearest Goddess, why the feelings of being lost and as if I had lost something so very important, and life wouldn’t be the same until this was found? The tears that fell in the times I was alone, the soul wrenching emptiness that pervaded, despite what I was telling myself that everything was fine.
Goddess help me, why has this come? Why now? What karmic balance must be satisfied this time? What past wrong must be paid?
The more this went on, the deeper it got, and the Old Warrior Within eventually rose up, and I was ready for battle yet again, a battle with no known enemy, and I stood alone on the field of war, with no gore crows seeking their next horrendous meals.
I stood ready, battle ready, and after a time, anger rose from within. WHO DARES? Who dares challenge me? What coward refuses to show his face? Damn you! Show yourself!!
My defiant shouts that echoed across an empty battlefield, and finally died far away from me, and Nothing answered. After sometime, forever ready, always seeking, and never striking a blow. The Old Warrior sat down, and the Witch took over. I sought outside influence. Who dared challenge me, I am Hecate’s Child! Come! My Magicks are my defense, if I am to fall, you shall rouse the anger of my Goddess!
Then I realized I was fighting in fear, fear of a known unknown. I reached through and let the Witch settle down, I let the Energies subside, and I looked and looked everywhere and found nothing that challenged, none that looked upon me with malicious intent, I found no Magicks that assailed me, I found just what was bothering me all along…absolutely Nothing.
I stood alone all this time on a barren battlefield, my sword drawn, my armor gleaming, and anger within my breast. The Witch stood, glaive in hand, energies drawn, the Power of the Universe at my fingertips, ready to find that Peace on the other side of the valley of War. My eyes blazing, my breathing coming in ragged gasps, and still……Nothing.
I am alone, no one, no thing, to stand before me. I am now beginning to fear, the fear rises, and the more fear that strikes, the more the terrible anger rose, intertwined into each other, rising higher, absolute Power, absolute battle prowess drawn from multitudes of lifetimes, all rising to a mighty crescendo, threatening the fabric of both Space and Time; with Nothing to be blamed, Nothing to challenge, Nothing to overcome.
I am alone…and then this is when the answer came to me. I am missing my Home, the ultimate End of my Path, me sitting at Her feet, or locked into Her embrace, Her kisses that cover my face, Her hands that touch and Heal. I am missing Home, I wish to return to Her; I have been too long away from that which is my true place to be. In understanding that I was missing Home, and missing Hecate even more terribly, I chose to plumb these new depths.
What lesson here am I to learn, Goddess, I fear! I am here! I am your Child! Why this lesson in fear? When the fear arouses nothing more than anger in my impotence of understanding? Why must my shouts and cries of defiance be caught up by the Four Winds and carried far away?
Then, true wisdom strikes………I am NOT alone as I thought. Hecate misses me more than I miss Her, She too feels the separation, She too wails at the loss of Her Child, and Her heart reaches out as Her hands grasps emptiness! She understands all too well just what these times of separation do to Her and to us all. The reasons I felt this more than I should have was through the honest truth that I am Her Child, and I understand Her better than I really thought I had.
You see, I was told when Hecate came and reclaimed me…Her Child…in a way that I have never would have ever thought ANY Deity ever would, I was told in those first moments in my reawakening that ALL requests to return would be lovingly denied. I have been away for too long, my soul requires rest, too many deaths remembered, too many of the terrors of Life that I recalled, all with no real resting time in Summerland as I should have had. I have been chasing down many things, and seeking karmic balance to numerous things from other lives, all running one after the other, all in a seeming race to grow even faster, to learn more in a short time than I should be.
Yes, I AM indeed very stubborn, and not likely ever to surrender. She knows these things, She has told me that I need not hurry any longer; my time in Summerland will be very extended. I told Her I was unlikely ever to return here to this world, after being awakened, knowing things of myself that many don’t ever know of themselves, and being at Peace with all that I have been given, I am finished. I have no desire to return. This most recent time of turmoil within has been a lesson in the “why” I am not returning, just why I am weary. And the lives I carry are beginning to be very weighty indeed.
The Goddess gives exactly what we ask for, exactly what we need. The answers we have, Blessed Be! The answers we all have, remember the Charge of the Goddess: “If you have not the Mysteries Within, you will not find them Without.” As Her Children, we have the Mysteries, the unknown are known, and we draw knowledge, balance, and wisdom from these Mysteries. From those, we draw Love, Life, and a Power over ourselves and our lives that are ours by birthright.
Mage Born…the meaning of such a small two-word idea has far greater implications than we can honestly realize and come to terms with. As with my Awakening, my continued Ascension is fraught with many lessons, and some that come from Within are the hardest to understand and come to Peace with, mostly, because we are forced to come to terms and Peace with ourselves, and this is the hardest lesson of them all.
One lesson I am forced to undertake each day, to let my tired Old Soul rest easy, and be One with all that I am presented with, to be at Peace with myself, and remember that every lesson, no matter how difficult, brings us one more step further up our Path, and one step closer to Her, the One who waits patiently, with bated breath for our returns………
Peace has once again found me, and I no longer stand battle ready, ready to do war as both Witch and Warrior. My blade augmented by fierce Magicks, and my countenance frightening to all that behold a Warrior Witch in full battle dress, one ready to defend himself against all who come and bear ill will. The battlefield now is a place of rest, no longer a place to be feared, knowing that I stand as this field’s master, and knowing that Hecate stands beside me, Her Child, one that trusts and Loves Her beyond anything that I may see in the Times to come.
Knowing that I rest upon an old battlefield of my own making, one that many lifetimes have littered now stands clean, and my Path and my life stand clear; my purpose renewed, the gentle winds that blow across this place now smell sweet, and carries Her whispers to me, Her whispers of Love, Her whispers of a long suffering vigil, awaiting my return to Her. A place I can now look upon with laughter, and of a glad heart, knowing that this is a pale comparison to that which awaits me in Summerland……………
Always and Forevermore Thy Brother,
Elwin Shadowstrider ) O (
BE AT PEACE…
Written Beltane, 2009
© Shadowstrider 03215548
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Location: Bartlett, Tennessee
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