Article ID: 15946
Age Group: Adult
Days Up: 990
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Author: Merideth Allyn
Posted: March 28th. 2016
Times Viewed: 4,029
I have a lot of energy. Tons of it. I have a great ability to perceive awe and wonder. I absolutely love life. Today. And, this is something I do not have to practice.
I still practice accepting that life is but a blink - a nose twitch only - which saddens me a bit as my charmed life did not begin until age fifty-five, and I am but sixty-five. Therefore, I do not want this Earth Walk to end anytime soon. In fact, I would prefer to outrun the season that can never be outrun for a few blinks more. But, until I start practicing head-to-heart detachment, I am going to hang tight to Mother Earth. I want to live, in health, to the great age of one-hundred-and-six for I have big dreams with a large imagination for things that I desire.
I have been pondering death of late Death has ridden my shoulders since I was extremely young. Painful wounds were, for many, many years, constant companions. Today, I have decided I will never know the reason (s) why this happened, so I have discontinued giving energy to the discovery of such. Today, the gift of gratitude for escaping those insidious chains knows no bound. I still practice freedom every day.
When my son was born, my only child, I knew I had to rid myself, with the Gods as my co-creators, of the poison that was blocking my life flow. I had to engage the help of my Higher Self. I mistakenly thought I understood why “God” had not helped or even listened all those many years before. All the “bad” was my fault. Much later, I learned that my naturally muddled thinking was incorrect. I still practice the Divine wrapping its arms around me in love. I still practice feeling loved. For, I am loved
In my youth I died many times. And, I know that I am not unique. Many of us have experienced debilitating trauma…many small deaths that steal souls and can still steal souls no matter our age if there has been no healing…the Soul Reaper. Not the Grim Reaper that comes naturally at the end of our days.
I made a subconscious, maybe even conscious, choice early on before asking for divine and mundane help to avoid the effects of the trauma. I froze my feelings in many self-destructive ways. I chose numbness instead of feeling the feelings or re-membering, returning the disengaged pieces to their rightful places. We excise, or bury, or “kill” that which we cannot face. I believe this will be some of my Otherworld soul work; facing what I have denied and repressed unknowingly out of fear. But, today, I still practice knowing that all there really is, and all that can heal us, comes to us as we grasp each other’s hands on the Web and dance the spiral dance. No change, no awakening, or remembering can happen in a vacuum.
I knew from the earliest in some ways that my power had been stolen and that I wanted it back so that I could participate in this cosmos instead of just acting the fearful bystander. I was afraid to join in the spiral dance, misunderstanding that I was already a part of the undulating movements. Soon after breaking the toxic legacy, no mean feat but great teachers I attracted in abundance, I found myself dancing and swaying to the music of the spheres, but by then I was an Elder, a Crone.
It took me a long time to trust that the Web could or would support me. If I did not surrender my inability to trust then that would extrapolate to an inability to receive the love I could receive. Today, as well, I realize that resentments carried have the power to infiltrate and clutch us in a most dis-eased/diseased way. We become susceptible hosts to all sorts of physical, mental, and emotional ailments. I still practice letting go of resentments. Resentments drain me emotionally and, I believe, can hold me hostage and can spiritually deaden me to life’s colors. Resentment is a psychic vampire. Resentment poisons all who succumb to it.
As feelings came and were dealt with, I emerged as from a cocoon, a sleeping death. Feeling suppressed emotions can be a death, too…at least in the beginning because it’s so easy to return to the cocoon. Reality is harsh for even those who did not experience trauma, but to someone who has experienced extreme trauma, reality can be anxiety provoking to the point of daily panic. It takes awhile for balance to occur and fear of our own shadows to disappear.
Regardless I am a Crone now in age and soul-work – years and years of it - I have awakened to the birds, bees, the petaled ones, the trees or the standing people, the iridescent dragonflies, and the wild wood. To stay in psychic pain, for many of us, is a choice. The universe offers ways out, so I still practice Universal Spirit and the opportunities provided me to be and stay well.
Today, my life is charmed. I worked hard and then had to learn to “let go and let all flow.” Again, no mean feat as control with a capital “C”…imaginary control for environmental and psychic safety… kept me bound tight and rigid until that worked no longer. And, believe me, as “they” say, I left the proverbial “claw marks.” I do not let go easily. I’ve learned so much in the last 35 years when I initially set out on my quest for health instead of insanity…insanity meaning a lack of wholeness. I want to learn and experience more. I don’t want to leave this magically mysterious and beautiful physical plane anytime soon, as I have said. I just found it.
However and today, I know that when my energy is released to the Universe, as the silver cord is cut or as the Pale Rider charges in on his white horse, my exuberant and passionate energy, which I thank the Gods for daily, will just be in transit. I no longer fear Death as much because of all the little deaths I have realized and survived; as most Crones, regardless their life tapestry, have experienced and survived. Re-membering my true self still eludes me as I work daily to become as whole as humans are capable of, but I know the kenning cannot be forced or rushed. I am still peeling the layered onion. And, that’s just “real” okay. For one day, I will remember my total soul-spirit and recognize it with clarity.
So, for this second, this minute, hour, or day, or one-hundred-and-six-years, I will continue to practice my life in the present moment, as I allow nature and the Gods to be my mentors. The Big Death will be upon me soon enough. I do not fear it so much as I will miss it, should I even recall it, but, I believe, that all my little deaths have prepared me, as I hold Universal Spirit’s hand when it is time to go into Great Mystery… for life is but a blink - just a nose twitch - regardless the cards dealt us, or what we have chosen. The Wheel always turns. And Death, to begin the cycle again, or end it as both tomb and womb, forever will be.
There is no alternative. And, why would we want one? Life, as an elder, is wonderful. In fact, the understanding of death I have now allows me to let life’s death perch on my shoulder making my days more alive, as I relish each moment given me.
I am still practicing life and little deaths, and I love it!
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