Witchvox Article

Author: Strahbary
Posted: July 30th. 2006
Times Viewed: 4,106

There have been some events over the course of the past few months that have literally brought me to my knees wondering how or if I will be able to carry on. For starters my husband, the love of my life, was deployed. Along with that, other conflicts arose that I had to face alone. It tested me and the progress that I have made over the course of many years. I have been through and seen a lot in my years in this life. Through out my life I have been told that I am a strong person. I am not sure how much of this supposed strength I actually recognized. I have found myself walking in a bit of a daze I guess you can say. Many days I carry on with motions; go to family functions all the while feeling the gaping hole in my heart because the love of my life is on the other side of the world. On those days I curl up in bed reflecting on my day and wondering how in the world I was able to do what I did.

Some people feel that to be a Wiccan all communion with the Goddess or the God must be done through ritual and spell casting. That’s not always the case. Some of my most intimate times with the Goddess have been me sitting in the middle of a circle and baring my soul to her. One such night I sat crying in front of my alter asking how in the world can I continue? I felt like I had nothing more in me. I didn’t even have the strength to get up and curl up on the couch. In the silence of the moment I found the answers that I sought.

In memories from my childhood when times were tough, my mother, who is the quintessential Gaea, put on a brave face and kept going. Pushing through the trials. Days when it was hard for us to pay the bills or put food on the table my mom put up a brave smile and created an “adventure” from it. Times when I would run to her for shelter I would receive all that I needed with open arms. Much of the strength that I learned to have in my adult life came from her. However, there comes a time when every woman must stand on her own.

But how? Where does this strength come from? The most obvious answer is from within. The strength that we have to get through the day comes from inside of us. The people around us can only carry us so far. They too have only so much strength to draw on. I find that I have had a strong influence on my beliefs from Gnosticism. One of the key principles to Gnostics is that we all have a divine spark inside us. This spark is seen as a seed that was planted in us by the goddess (there is a bit more to this but I am simplifying it for the time being) . As with many seeds it must be allowed to grow and mature. I have found that in my times of trouble I draw on the strength that comes from that little light. In visualization exercises I envision that spark to be a gold throbbing ember inside. Days when I need more strength I try to nurture this light envision with every heartbeat the pulse getting a little bit larger and brighter.

I like to people watch. I have watched women literally freak out simply because someone they perceived to be a threat to them sat next to them and acted as if there was nothing wrong. Then they spend the next week and a half crying to everyone and anyone that would listen to their tragic plight. The unfortunate side in this is that they are not drawing from their source of the divine. As I have stated in previous pieces, as Pagan women the role models that we should look to are of the divine. Women like Gaea who exhibited a strength that broke all logic or Hera who would not let someone who wronged her walk away with out knowing that they hurt her. There are many things in this world that are saddening. For me, it is watching a woman who is capable of so much strength and has so much potential to let the divine spark that is inside her die out to trade it for tea and sympathy. It’s like watching one of those starving children on TV. It’s obvious their soul is starving for more, for recognition of that spark inside.

I have recently taken the time to sit back and really analyze myself, my beliefs and the world around me. I let myself hibernate, spending my time communing with the Goddess and looking in the mirror at the issues that I would never be able to escape from. It is pointless to run away from our problems. They are like hounds. They will find you eventually and sooner or later you will have to deal with them. I suppose what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger but I can see how it is so easy to focus on issues of the moment or everything else that is around you not letting yourself focus on what is with in. As a Wiccan our strength comes from with in and not from with out. When times are tough it is easy for us to turn to the Goddess. She is not some lofty idea that hides behind curtains and in stoic buildings. She is inside us, giving us the strength to carry on when we don’t feel like we can. My husband asked me once if I would be ok while he was gone. I simply replied, “The sun rises every morning there for so do I.” Through all of my grief, through all of my darkest moments I got up. I walked on continuing on my path. Why? Because the strength for me to carry on was inside me, a piece of the Goddess that I carry within.

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Strahbary

Location: Orange County, California

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