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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 10,228,344  

Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 25528


Posted: November 11th. 2006 3:21:52 AM

Views: 1060

Sorry if I exist!

by Widdershins

Age Group: Adult

Sorry if I exist, and this troubles you so
you might just have to put up with it,
because I’m young, not intended to go
you make a problem of everything
with your trembling lip in the face of defiance—
or so you deem… you want me to leave?
why not just say it!
don’t chase me around as though it’s my fault
I had nothing wrong with you
until you started this charade…
you make a problem of everything
and thus I’m doing everything wrong
it’s not to your liking at all…
so now another mistake
and you dissect it until I’m so angry…
angrier than hell
before you looked at me with open hatred
that I act as though this house were my own…
well, it used to be a place I called home, you know
until you started this layer of little games…
your conviction is misplaced,
yet I’ve caused you discomfort…
shall I merely cease to exist for you?
would you then be satisfied?
I’m sorry that I exist in your presence
because it makes you feel so threatened
you want me to be honest…?
because every time I come up with some good solution
it turns out I’m doing something wrong again!
I hate the look you give me
of hurt and hate mingling
you make me feel cruel and selfish
when I haven’t done anything!
you slam doors and give me dirty looks
pull off acts of power just because you can
abuse your situation out of your lack of self-confidence,
and it’s, as you say, me who will be hurting in the end…
don’t threaten me! because it’s hurting already!
I hate your little prying
into my personal life, my personal space
I hate it every time you face me
reprimanding that I should be feeling guilty
I haven’t tried to hurt you, but now
the temptation of vengeance just swells
it’s your own doing, you know
The only thing keeping me home is my father…
I can’t live with someone who hates me as you do now
without ever having intended any harm
without EVER trying to take over your place,
as you are convinced I try to do… well,
I hate you too,
and rest assured,
I tried everything not to.

November 11, 2006

Author's Notes: This is going beyond explaining myself. I have nothing to explain, I don’t need an excuse to do something which all of a sudden is categorized as “wrong”.

I hate it at home! My stepmother makes my life a bloody hell, and it's all a damned self-confidence trip! Every time she shakes in her place as mistress of the house she takes it out on me by prying out my weaknesses, faults, mistakes, and tells me that I'm being selfish, disregarding, cruel, so on, and I've had ENOUGH OF IT! I've never, I repeat: NEVER tried to take her bloody place or try and do whatever I please without regard to what she and dad tell me, I've always taken their words (hers cruel though they be to swallow) to heart, and it's just hurting me more. When she tells me something I try to do it, but... dammit! Every time I do something that isn't to her liking I'm "disrespecting" her and I've done it "deliberately" out of malice or whatever, and I've broken her (up till then) nonexistent rules. I don't know what's wrong in her life, but it's none of my business, and I just HATE IT that she's making it my business by accusing me of things. I hate having to watch her moods and try and act accordingly.

She is -not- my mother. Never was, never will be, and she has never acted in any way as a substitute for my mother, who lives half a globe away. And I hate that, too.
Meanwhile she spoils my sister to the point where she's just as unbearable.

Well, I'm sorry! But I'm not going to be all honey smiles as I've tried, I'm not going to go out of my way to be kind and do as she asks, I-can't-stand-her!

I want to get out of here. She herself indicated that if I didn't like her face, or the fact that she lives here (TOTALLY UNPROVOKED, I have NEVER indicated in any way that I dislike her presence in this house, she's bloody delusional!) , then we'll contact my mother and do something about it.
That's ***ing great! So she wants me out of the house, out of the bloody country! NEVERMIND that I have a LIFE here, I have school, I have a boyfriend, I have things that tie me to THIS HOUSE, and I'm bloody miserable about it now.

As soon as my book is published I'm getting out as fast as I can. I don't need her support, I don't need her at all. And no, I won't miss her, I won't grieve over her loss in my life.

It just hurts that this means I'll be leaving my father as well.

Author's Location: Szeged, Hungary
More Poems: Widdershins has posted 234 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Widdershins - Click HERE
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