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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 10,233,515  

Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 7272


Posted: November 7th. 2004 12:15:38 PM

Views: 1500

When I should be… I am…

by Widdershins

Age Group: Adult

On the inside I love me
And I love you
And everybody if I concentrate hard enough.
Even my enemy, in spite of the fact that they
Are my enemies.
If I look at my life
And I forget about loving myself
And I become bitter from my own faults
No one to blame but myself…
I am forced inwards.
I am forced to retreat
And come to a truce
A truce and a solution.
It might be bad, but there is opportunity
For mending and explaining.

I am sick of explaining.
I wish everyone would leave me alone for a time
To let me heal in my own way
With my own powers
When I and not others
Give me space and time to do so.
When I choose to do so.
For my own reasons and not yours.
But explain something I must
For waning is their trust
That I know what I am doing
And what I am about.

I answer to you as what I answer to all
What I do in the free time that I
Gave to myself
Only afterwards can I reveal the whole truth
Laughing, smiling, nodding my head
Eyes sparkling knowingly as I point
To my past
You see?
If you had but trusted my True Word
And not the monotone answer I gave to you all then
If you had but been satisfied
And in me had faith
You too would have seen the magic
That took place.
When I have proven I was right
Is the time when you will have faith in me
Yet when I needed that faith from you all…
I saw none.
But I am not angry,
Not I.
Not then, not now when I do what I will
Not in the future when I reveal to you
What I have done now.
I heal.
Let me heal.
Have faith that I can do it.
I will.
By the Lady and the Lord,
I will!
When I tell you that I am done…
And the rest of the time that is stretched out before me
Has been walked with my truth that I
Have healed
And you shall see it too…
Then you will have the faith
That I ask of you.

Who have the unswerving trust of a friend
I thank you now
And will too in the end
For those who have been impatient
I give you silent forgiveness and I will not reprimand
For it is true,
You have no reason to have faith in my word.
Last year I gave no promise to mend as I did now
I did not break any vow.
Yet to you the proof is thus:
Miss too much then,
Means if you start missing again
You have now too betrayed us.
It was faith enough that you gave
To give me a second chance
Yet you do not see the difference.
It is thus:
Then I did not know what was wrong
Now I have the answer
How can I answer, when I do not know the question?
I cannot.
Could not.
Did not even try.
In your eyes.
Now even there you must begin to see
That I can free myself from this torment
Hence I know thy name!
The power of the name…
If I know your name I can shape you easier
Just like I can call someone to me
If I know who’s name to call out.

Some of you will
Some of you won’t
I know all will in the end…
Even if now you don’t.
I’ll show you!!
I’ll show you all that I CAN DO IT!
I have the power,
And I will do it with or without
Your help
Your faith.
I can stand alone
And I can stand with others to support me
I know which I prefer
And which I would endure
But that I will somehow do either of that you can be sure!

Author's Notes: ©LKM. I copyright this with my spirit as well, this is my poem solely about me this time; it is for no other. This is written about all the people who do and don’t have faith in me that I can heal myself.

I have a cyst (had, I think, if my suspicion is correct, I have yet to get an official check) , which has caused me much pain and trouble last year and this year. Last year in school, I missed too much because I was always sick. The cause was found out to be this 4cm cyst on my right ovary. I did not know then what had caused the cyst itself, but I knew that I had to find out if I wanted to be rid of all my chronic health problems. I searched in every way I could, using all the resources available to me to avoid an operation. This included, as a part of my healing, to give myself space in the beginning of this semester rather than at the end or all throughout. I would rather miss more in the beginning of the year than at the end, since I was present more last year in the beginning, and I know the material better.

My absences (my space) , was heavily questioned by everyone, from close family to the strangers who head my school. Everyone is afraid that ‘it’s starting all over again’, that this year I will miss as much as last year, which would be trouble for everyone. (Especially for me, but they ‘care enough’ to share the trouble…)

Everyone is prompting me to worry about my missing so much, “Aren’t you worried…?”, “Don’t you feel afraid that you’ll repeat this and that mistake?”, “Are you even trying?”. Because I seem to be ‘doing nothing’, everyone is worried about my calmness, my authority with myself, and my confidence in my goal, to heal the way I wish to heal. My searching within myself is a very personal and sensitive thing, and I have no intention of ‘showing my progress’ by telling everyone to calm them down, that if I solve this and that I will heal.

The only way that I can prove to everyone that those who had faith in me were right in doing so and those who didn’t need not fear the breaking of my promise again, is to go through this year, from ‘now on’ go to school ‘regularly’. I shall only have proven myself when the end of the year comes, and I am still under the limit of the number of hours that I can miss.

Everyone wants an explanation, a reason to have faith in me. But I will not give them any meaningful ones, I have no intention of that. I will not squeeze faith out of others by telling them the reasons they should trust me, if they do, then good, if they don’t, I’ll do without it.

When this year (semester) is at an end, I will smile, laugh, and my eyes will sparkle knowingly, and if I feel that I can, I will tell those who wish to know, but until then I wish everyone would stop trying to make me panic! (Not intentionally of course, they do it without noticing… they don’t know about NLP.) I know one of the many reasons that the cyst came about is because I worried all the time. I know this. So I try not to worry, I’m not going to lose myself and like a scared animal gallop away into the distance, double speed to catch up with the herd. I’ll go at my own pace, and I will keep my calm. My ticket to a train of health. I think that’s what’s scaring everybody, that I am so calm about the things that ‘I have to work on’ like missing so much of school. I know I have, and I know why, and I know when it will stop; after all, I’m the one living within my body, only I could fully know when I am ready to get back into gear.

Until then, the solemn face, admission to my faults, a promise to do better, and a look of false worry. I don’t even listen to those who ask whether I worry, I know what they are saying, but I’m not listening. I give them the same blank wall, the answer that feeds on itself, without true meaning, and I will continue to be calm.

Author's Location: Szeged, Hungary
More Poems: Widdershins has posted 234 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Widdershins - Click HERE
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