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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 10,229,227  



Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 2441

Category:
humor

Posted: March 3rd. 2004 7:06:06 AM

Views: 1291

The Heroes of Telemark-eting.

by Jemma Hawtrey

Age Group: Adult



The Heroes of Telemark-eting.

We stand here my friends
In honour of the few
Whose upstanding resistance
Is written in the Annals of the True

In the dark days of the ‘80’s
The shadowed juggernaut begins
Imploring us to buy Insurance,
To atone for all our sins.

“We aren’t selling anything!”
You would hear in dulcet tone
Closely followed by slam of phone
And a householder’s dismal groan

Back at the dark headquarters
Supervised by twisted crone
Those slaves of evil salary
Sit welded to the phone

“That’s one just out the bath!”
“That one just got home!”
Soggy footmarks on new carpet
And shopping scattered on the loam

And more and more it did go on
As the juggernaut gathered pace
Across our fair green country
Spreads the apoplectic face

For now it is not once a month
As in days of yore t’would be
As mostly now its once a week
And companies two or three

But rumour flowed across the land
From house to house to house
That those well known of evil bent
Had a great unholy plan

The final destination of the telemarket man
A massive evil edifice of glass and stone was the plan
To be placed on ancient church
In the parish of West Ham

Across the land it was agreed
At this, a most desperate hour
That sooner rather than later
Resistance should quickly flower

The Waffen-Grannies they were called up
Along with other Grey regiments
To find the evil managers
And to knock into them some sense

Alas there is a monument
To the fallen of the day
The Battle of Chelsea Street it is now known
And it didn’t go their way

At first it seemed they were winning
Letter’s crushed MP’s every day
Stridently requesting that
The telemarketers be on their way

But then in villainous masterstroke
The evil ones hit back
They all went and got privatised
The dark plan was back on track!

The dark edifice was all complete
And its evil went on stream
All across the country
Householders hoarse and pain’d scream

It worked 24/7 not a second to the waste
“I am not selling anything..but”
Was heard from place to place…
To place

A secret plan was made up
In urgency and haste
The finest minds in Blue Rinse
Gathered together in one place

The frontal attack has failed my friends
The spokes-biddy grimly said
And if time passes for much longer
All hope will soon be dead

They assembled then a team
That numbered ten and two
And formulated daring plan
For the survival of the true.

You will enter secretly
The evil den of far West Ham
And those evil dark-laced workings
You will attempt to jam

It will be a hard jaunt my friends
It will be no Darby & Joan
There is every chance
That some will not come home

Off they soon set in dead of night
On that long perilous flight
A fleet of C-reg Hondas
Droning slowly through the night

Three teams were lost on the way in
One clutch, one bladder, one tree!
But the others arrived safely
Where wise men shouldn’t be

They crept into the compound
Past sleepy pimply guards
And into rooms full of phones
Yard on yard on yard

But worse still in the half light
This made our heroes tremble
The phones and their users
No one could disassemble

Each and every handset
Was one with its poor slave
And nothing could be done
To give freedom that was craved.

The leader of the team
A retired miner of 93
Quickly called his team together
“Right, you lot, ‘in bye me!”

“We cant leave ‘em all like this”
Something must be done
To these poor unfortunates, I swear
Some peace will now soon come

They hurriedly laid the charges
Along desks and structural walls
All the while trying to ignore
The telemarketers’ sad wailing calls.

They crept away into the night
And got away right well
As synchronised Amatol blasts
Sent the evil ones to hell.

They hared back to the Honda’s
A hidden in the night
The fleet of mistuned engines roared
And rattled off from sight

But the enemy was awakened
And following their flight
Two were lost from lack of fuel
Another stopped for failed tail-light

They struggled home in dawn’s light
In groups of two or three
In clouds of oily engine smoke
Quite a sight to see

The survivors on arrival were treated
To a heroes cup of tea
In the fervent hope that never
Another telemarketer shall we see

Indeed they had administered
A fine and crushing blow
And round this fine island
The telemarketers croon does rarely go.

The moral of this story
And one to not let go
Don’t upset the old people,
For what they’ll do,

You’ll never know…

Copyright Durin ab Iceni (Jon Marriage) 03/03/04 11:53am




Author's Notes: Wes thu hal all

This is one I just had the idea for after watching the re-runs on the history channel for the n-millionth time.

Its definately my sense of humour so I hope you like it and please drop me a line to give me your comments. I am getting very lonely out here in the Styx :D

Greets to Annalegra (Mel) and Anna, also Mel Comito & Zoe, all the peoples @ CPN and anyone else I havent mentioned :)

Ic grete eow ealle

Durin

"Just imagine, if British Leyland and the Church had merged... We could have had the Anglican Allegro.. complete with leaky windows, busted roof and the ever infamous "throw a six to get rationality" transmission" - Me


Author's Location: Colchester, England
More Poems: Jemma Hawtrey has posted 70 additional poems- View them?
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