Page: Profile: Poetry
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VxPoem ID: 4259
Posted: May 24th. 2004 11:56:47 AM
King Arthur Chronicles : The Real Sir Galahad
by Jemma Hawtrey
Age Group: Adult
The real Sir Galahad
My friends, I bid you welcome
I trust your health remains the best
I shall craft for you another tale
Another fine poetic jest.
A legendary tale of Arthur
In that well loved historic plan
To bring the love of Chivalry
To the poor and honest man.
The hero of our story
Joins Camelot almost at the last
At a sad and dejected time
When the pinnacle had passed
Fathered by the great Sir Lancelot
T’was felt the lad was sure to shine
He’s gotten his feet under the table there
Many were heard to darkly whine
But, what is this? I hear you cry
Lancelot had another on the side?
He went and knocked another up
While poor Guinnie, alone, she cried?
My friends, in the days of myth and magic
The simplest answer is not always best
For one dark night as he lay with her
He touched another’s breast
A sweet young girl had joined him
At her fathers insistent request
But to make sure she wasn’t noticed
He thought some magic would be best
His power worked the glamour
Upon her young and smiling face
The better that she should take
Darling Guinivere’s sleeping place
So time and nature took its course
And young Elaine’s belly took to swell
And after bingeing on pickled onions
Her breath it took to smell.
And at the ninth was a baby born
With his pink and podgy face
And the old Corbenic Castle
Was a happy joyous place.
But as the little babe in arms grew up
And his features started to gel
It soon became apparent that
The poor child would look like hell
He took after his mother’s side,
That much was painful clear
The poor child’s appearance at age 10,
Could the strongest eyeballs sear.
His eyes were small and piggy
And looked each toward their ear
His teeth were painfully uneven
And his chin something to fear
In desperation his grandfather
Asked of Merlin what he could do
Merlin examined the boy for a time
Before running out to spew.
“Your magic has tainted the child
There is nowt that I can do
But know that evil sending will somehow
Always rebound back to you”
“Teach the child everything you can
Find people for to show and tell
He’ll need to be much stronger
For his talents he’ll need to sell.”
Alas you have me sidetracked
And losing my story’s skein
I wish you wouldn’t keep doing that
Tis really rather mean
We find our way to Camelot
Via a nice crosscut-dissolve
And we find a baffled Lancelot
With a mystery to solve
He asks of Merlin on his knees
“Tell me how this may be
If Guinivere finds my son is by another
She’ll likely murder me!”
“Calm yourself my worried friend
For I know just what was done
Through high magic’s aid my friend
You have been given a young son”
“It was not you at fault
And Guinivere you did not cheat
Another maid was switched for her
In a plan you could not defeat”
“Fear not my honourable friend
I shall speak with her, set her mind to rest
So come the end of the evening
Your head will rest safe on her breast”
“But what of this new arrival?”
Lancelot did quickly request
“Fear not my lord, I’ll deal with it
This plan will be my best.”
And in due time the young master
Arrives at the mighty place
And all the women in Camelot
Hurriedly avert their face.
For while his body is fine and tall
And his shoulders strong and broad
His ugly mug would look more at home
In dread Sauron’s Orc-led Horde
As he walked into the great hall
Many knights began to quiver
And when his wide smile beamed out
Others began to gibber
But Merlin he controlled himself
And offered the boy a seat
T’was the empty Siege Perilous
Lancelot thought, “That’s neat”
For ere before in every case
When a knight would claim this place
A strange unholy beast appeared
To chow down on his face
And as before the beastie showed
With teeth of finest steel
But he took one look at Galahad
And made a bloodcurdling squeal
“Crivens Mon, I will’nae touch that,
No offence like, but I seen better lukin’ snails”
And with those few words the Beastie left,
For a better job in darkest Wales.
At this the knights look all a’feared
For this means the boy will stay
And they must spend their future
With heads turned the other way
But Merlin has yet another test
One to make great Arthur groan
That in his opinion swords in stones
Mean troubles’ back at home.
“Pull the Sword from the stone, my boy”
And the blade slid out as from butter.
“And this is where I came in”
Poor Art was heard to mutter
“Arise Galahad” Merlins voice rang out
“I lay on you a fearful quest
To find the distant Holy Grail, that will be your test”
By unanimous agreement the “distant” part was best
Our hero saddled up his horse
And though his presence had been brief
As he cantered over the drawbridge
There was a huge sigh of relief
Of the many adventures of Galahad
There is little enough to tell
Brave Knights would gallop away
As if outrunning Hounds of Hell
And of all the beauteous ladies
He met upon many a day
None were ever drunk enough
To send but one kiss his way
Until finally many years hence
Sir Galahad attains his goal
And finds the great and wondrous grail
To be a battered wooden bowl
“Well what did you expect?”
The Guard-Nymph crossly said
“I know you’re bloody ugly,
but you’ve a brain inside that head”
“J.C and the twelve others,
They weren’t exactly rich,
Do you think they found a pound of Gold,
Just lying in a ditch?”
“This wooden thing here is the grail
That you were tasked for to see
Now you’ve fulfilled your brainless quest
Please stop bothering me”
“But before you go I have a gift
That to all Grail seekers I bestow
Three wishes is your prize
And now on your way you go"
Now Galahad wasn’t stupid
Gramps had taught the lad right well
And Galahad was well aware
His virginity he could not even sell!
So the first wish was for a Castle
With towers that kissed the sky
The second for lifelong riches
With which to buy & buy
The third, well with that I will be playful
And that wish I will not say
It does not do for the storyteller
To give all so easily away
But here is a clue and listen thee well
For it again I will not say
But journey you to Cader Idris
And under the mountains find your way
And in that gloom you will find inside
Two stone carved coffins built side by side
On one a womans likeness, her face harshly twisted
On the other our Galahad with a grin a mile wide
Here ends the tale of Sir Galahad
On the grail his fortune was made
And whose greatest reward in life
Was that he finally got laid!
Durin ab Iceni (Jon Marriage) 24/05/04 16:29
Author's Notes: Ic grete eow ealle,
Another one from me continuing the Arthurian theme. This one is a 5 pager so probably best to print before reading.
I hope you like it and drop me a line with comments as ever
Greets to all that know me specially Anna & Acacia. Greets to Bellatrix, hope the move went well.
See you all soon with another installment of King Arthurs Chronicles.
Walk in light
Author's Location: Colchester, England
More Poems: Jemma Hawtrey has posted 70 additional poems- View them?
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