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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 14,914,456  

Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 8097


Posted: December 20th. 2004 10:55:19 AM

Views: 1480

Santa & the Taxman.

by Jemma Hawtrey

Age Group: Adult

Santa & the Taxman.

Again I greet you all my friends
With some very different fare
A tale of how a sheaf of paper
Can drive an anthropomorph quite spare

Now our story it has a hero
A gent of quite some fame
As every child in the entire world
Will probably know his name

Our hero is of broad stature
With a long but neat trimmed beard
If you’ve been good he’s beloved
But if you’re bad then he’s to be feared

His story starts 1600 years ago
Far from our civilised day
When Nick was just a Bishop
Who liked to give money away.

But that’s another story
For another winters night
When the lake is frozen over
And glitters in full-moon’s light

Now one November night it came to pass
The Santa Claus (as he is now called)
Got a rather unusual letter delivered
This one was typed, not scrawled

The Chief Elf was quite confused
For this was something quite new
And when he read the neatly signed contents
He got into quite a stew!

“Taxes? What in Heavens name are those?”
Our poor Elf was heard to wail
And when he saw the total owing
The poor fellow went quite pale

So Santa Claus was duly called
To lend his skills and expertise
But when he read the letter through
Our expansive friend went weak to the knees

For Santa Co had been audited
For the first time in a thousand years
And the interest alone my friends
Could reduce even a myth to tears

Where would we find this much cash?
How are we ever going to pay?
I don’t think I need to mention
November 13th ’04 wasn’t really Santa’s day

One of the junior elves piped up
A green suited chap named Dash
“Worry not, O great Santa,
I know where to find the cash”

The elves plan it was simple
As many great plans before
But like the not so good ones
It had a simple flaw

The lad had gotten Freeview
For the joys of FTN & BBC3
And at every ad-break
Consolidation loans you’d see

The little tiny flaw my friends
In this Baldrick of a plan
Was when Santa Claus was mentioned
The reps had hysterics to a man

Next they tried the gods & goddesses
All of Santa’s after-life long mates
But you have no need of a bank account
When you’re second cousin to the Fates

By now it was December
Santa’s Grotto was a dispirited place
No whistle while we work
And not a smile on a face

And then, a week before Christmas
Santa was moping down the pub
When who should walk in but Plutus
With his subs for the Christmas Club

Santa sadly told the story
Of the un-payable tax bill
Then politely sat back and waited
As the Deity drank his fill

“I can see how you would be worried”
Said the immortal financier
“But come a little closer and
Let me whisper in your ear…”

Soon Santa left with springing step
Feeling heartened and relieved
For he had the workings of a plan
That would leave the Taxman quite aggrieved

A meeting was duly scheduled
And the Revenue man arrived dead on time
For in his unloved line of work
Being late was a capital crime

“I’m afraid we wont be paying”
Was the first thing that Santa said.
“As I fear that you and your collegues
Have sadly been misled”

“SantaCo exists only in the children’s mind
And thus its accounts you cannot bind
And as children now are tax exempt
We owe you nothing, we think you’ll find”

So Santa’s world was thus sweetly saved
And Christmas comes year after year
With the traditional family arguments
Too much food and too much beer

And so my friends I’ll slip quiet away
As you snore and belch and drool
And I’ll try and remind myself next year
That Christmas Day is not the time to call!

©Copyright Durin ab Iceni (Jon Marriage) 20/12/04

Author's Notes: Notes:

FreeVeiw: for those not of a UK persusasion this is a cut down version of a sky type service with all the watchable stuff taken out and utterly useless signal quality.

Baldrick: See blackadder - If you havent seen these yet - where have you been??


Merry yule & a happy new year


Author's Location: Colchester, England
More Poems: Jemma Hawtrey has posted 70 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Jemma Hawtrey - Click HERE
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