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Page: Profile: Poetry
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Poem Specs
VxPoem ID: 22709
Category:
healing
Posted: June 29th. 2006 2:31:03 AM
Views: 540 |
Reflection
by Mysteries Child
Age Group: Adult
I saw you on the street not long ago. It didn't faze me much at the time. I walked right by you, like you were any other person.
I know you saw me. I saw the smirk on your face. I saw the smirk on your face falter. Why?
Is it because I'm not scared anymore? Because I'm not yours anymore? Do you think I didn't recognize you? Do you think I've forgotten?
How would you feel about that? How do I feel about that??
I haven't forgotten. I want you to know that.
I tried to forget. That was futile.
You marked me. Would it please you to know that?
I left before you could make those scars a literal reality. I know that hurt you.
I want you to know that it hurt me too.
It hurt to walk away from the only person I believed could accept me as I was. It was terrifying to walk away from the only person who'd ever sincerely offered me nurturance.
Even though what you wanted to nurture was hate and fear. Even though you wanted to feed them on blood and pain. That was how you fed yourself.
You had to do it. It was the only way you could trust. It was the only way you knew.
You could trust so very few. No matter how it was used, there was caring and trust between us. You saw your reflection in me; I saw my reflection in you. It was sick, but it was real.
I want you to know that I understand.
I want you to know that I forgive you.
You were the mirror that showed me how twisted I had become, and how I had become so twisted.
You showed me a way in, to realize the power of wrath. I found instead a way out, to realize the power of forgiveness.
You called it an Initiation, and so it was. The death of one thing, and the birth of something else.
The death of hate, and the birth of love.
The death of fear, and the birth of courage.
The death of rage, and the birth of compassion.
You would have given me three scars. Instead, I took three lessons.
Do you know that I want to offer you that Initiation?
Do you know that you could walk away too?
You don't, do you?
Do you know that that's the only thing that still hurts?
Yes, you marked me. Indelibly.
I bear the scars of compassion for you.
I saw you on the street not long ago, and it set me to reflection.
I'll never forget.
I just wanted you to know.
Author's Notes: The young man who would have been my abuser was every terrible stereotype of a Pagan. He worshipped demons, sacrificed cats, and practiced ritual mutilation. His highest aim in this life was to accumulate a great deal of power, and to use it in a manipulative manner. He was truly evil.
He was also amazingly intelligent, impressively honest, and capable of moments of incredible compassion.
He told me up front that he would hurt me more than I'd ever been hurt, and that he would stand beside me through all the pain. He meant it. Half a dozen previous initiates/victims attest to the truth of both statements.
It was sick and terrible. It was also more honesty and more compassion than I've gotten out of many truly good people.
He did not teach the lessons that enabled me to become a strong and healthy person, but he was the vehicle without which those lessons very probably could not have been learned.
That does not in any way redeem him. It does not make his actions right, or excusable. Nothing can do that. It is, though, perhaps something to ponder.
I do not believe I will see him again in this lifetime. But perhaps in some other time and some other place, he will be the student and I will be the teacher.
I would like that.
The hurts he did me are healed. Still, I will bear the scars in many ways for the rest of this lifetime, and perhaps beyond.
I wouldn't wish those scars on anyone. "Spiritual" or "ritual" abuse is an ugly, ugly thing. It's easier to avoid than to heal. In that vein, I strongly suggest that everyone familiarize themselves with the following:
Bonewits Cult Frame http://www.neopagan.net/ABCDEF.html
Coven Abuse Self-Help Index http://healing.about.com/library/uc_covenabuse_0209.htm
If you've already been hurt by ritual or some other form of abuse, The Healing Grove really is a good place. I was never part of that community, but I've been there as a visitor and heard many good things from a few who have become participants.
And, should you desire to do so, please consider my shoulders willing and my ears open.
Abuse is hell. No one should have to go there, and no one should have to try to fight their way out on their own. I did not walk alone; nor do I believe I would have found resolution without the blessed friends who made as much of the journey with me as they could.
The path to healing is long and arduous; it is frightening at times and at times painful in its own right. It leads through many shadowed places within the self, and the possibility of resolution must often be taken on faith until it is realized.
Even then, healing does not restore what was before. It can, however, lead to something stronger, something more.
Despite all the pain I walked through (sometimes screaming and cursing) , I can say now in all honesty that I have no bitterness and no regrets.
I wish the same for all those who have been harmed.
The scars are permanent. The damage does not have to be.
Be blessed.
Author's Location: Garfield, Arkansas
More Poems: Mysteries Child has posted 12 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Mysteries Child - Click HERE
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