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Page: Profile: Poetry
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Poem Specs
VxPoem ID: 32493
Category:
personal_life
Posted: March 27th. 2008 12:00:49 AM
Views: 311 |
the Extraordinary Collapse
by I Am Tengu
Age Group: Adult
The very breath of life being crushed out,
the mattress soak with blood, sweat and tears.
A strange shimmering across a damp bedspread,
there is the void, the absolute silence of heart.
Those are not the only bodily fluids so violently
sprawled out this night, and all but one are mine.
There are no words, no sounds, not that I can
hear them right now with a pillow over my face.
But that was five years ago, and believe it or not
that wasn't the worst of it by a long shot.
I suddenly was the unclean, the damaged girl.
This is what it is to be a 'survivor, ' an exile.
In the last five years all my friends have left me,
and the legal system treated me like a joke.
I told my former teacher about how I almost died,
his response was "So what? We all have problems."
It's so easy to say "I'd rather die than let it happen."
Is surviving something really better than dying from it?
Is wanting to die after such a thing really so wrong?
This is what Hell is, you don't have to die to go there.
And yet all cuts on my arms and wrists don't amount
to much anymore, the physical pain eventually fades.
Ever try to throw yourself into oncoming traffic, only
to watch shamefully as a police-car drives AROUND you?
It's so easy to think about killing yourself afterward,
not so easy to do, as I soon found out. Oh well.
It's even harder to look in the mirror and not see scars
that really shouldn't be there, but they are.
But that's not the hardest part of it, not in the least.
The only thing that worries me now is this:
If She couldn't help me when I needed her the most,
how do I know She'll still hear my prayers?
After all of this, how can I be sure She even exists?
I haven't always been a saint, but what Goddess
could justify allowing this to happen to Her child?
I know I've been bad, but did I really deserve this?
Author's Notes: Spur of the moment, but five years in the making.
~J~E~N~
Author's Location: Fayetteville, Arkansas
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