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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 10,938,864  



Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 30034

Category:
personal_life

Posted: September 2nd. 2007 3:15:25 PM

Views: 696

Twelve Years, One Week, Five Days, Eight Hours

by SilverAngelFire

Age Group: Adult



WARNING: PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK. THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS ARE EXTREMELY LONG, WINDED AND NOT VERY PRETTY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF CLOSURE IT HOLDS FOR ME.

Twelve Years, One Week, Five Days, Eight Hours

And 1240.98 miles away from where I began
All the memories I let fade
Five long years of wasted time
Then there, in my mailbox it sat, waiting
A cell phone collections bill from all those years ago
I didn't have one, but I got one for you
Now, twelve years, one week, five days, eight hours later
I'll yet again pay, won't I
Does it give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside

I think though that the universe is trying to tell me something
I think that stupid bill I brought it to me all on my own
You see there is this poor man at work that reminds me of you
Oh god, I can't take it when he speaks
I have to walk away
Because I can't have the memory of you swimming in my head
That voice, exactly like your goes right through me
Personality wise, this is your absolute twin
If it were dark and I could not see his face
I would think immediately it was you, and I would run
Another 1240.98 miles just to get away
But not before that anger rises up in me,
That ugliness I hold for no one else but you
Still sitting deep within me after all these years
Twelve years, one week, five days, eight hours later

I think I need to let it out, that dark foreboding energy
Send it back to be transformed towards a greater good
Praying the Goddess will take it from me and disintegrate its blackness
And so I write this now in hopes of ridding it from my soul
But you won't read it, even if you did, you wouldn't know who I was
Thankfully, and even more thankful we never had a child together
I would've have to have been locked away in a padded room by now
Cuz the last thing I ever want is you having a reason or a means to contact me

Twelve years, one week, five days, eight hours later
I still remember the lies about anything and everything
Like some pathological dementia
Even when the information was not asked for, you would offer it up
For no reason, just because
The worst part I think though is that you believed yourself
And so did everyone else
You could've convinced an entire room full of people that the sky was in fact fluorescent yellow, not blue
They would have left saying, yes, yes the sky is yellow
Well whata ya know
You played so hard on my emotions for years after I left
Everyday calling me, two, three times for hours on end
I felt so guilty when you said you had lost everything
But not guilty enough to go back
That first time I went home to visit my brother, everything you had was still in its place
Truth was though as it turns out, you hadn't lost a thing
It was just a twisted game

Oh god, and those stupid friggin spoons
You reminded me of every day for the five years we lived together
Out of nowhere during the simplest, carefree of days
Beginning long before we had any problems
Do you remember how you used to pick it up, that damn spoon
How you would announce to me that it was your spoon
"YOU SEE THIS SPOON, YOU SEE IT, IT'S MINE"
That's how you would begin
"EVERY SPOON, EVERY FORK, EVERY KNIFE, MINE"
"EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE IS MINE AND YOU BETTER REMEMBER IT"
Leave you told me, go ahead, whenever that time shall come
But you'll not take even a single friggin spoon
At first it didn't bother me, I never take what's not mine
But years and years of torment over spoons can leave one bewildered
I couldn't figure after so long of having been together
Knowing the person I am
How you still thought I was going to take your damn spoons

You knew I couldn't leave though, you played on it
I didn't make enough to care for myself and you enjoyed it
No matter how I tried to better myself, you always found a way to hold me back
Like school, oh how I resented you for that
Full-time work, full-time school, I tried to make it all work
The best you could do was yell at me about how dare I sit and do homework, when I should be paying attention to you
Then in the blink of an eye that ever so soft caring voice would reveal itself
No, baby it's not fair
You shouldn't have to work this hard, we have enough
Quit your job baby, quit, come on quit and worry about school
I fought so hard for long until I made the mistake of giving in
I knew better, god I knew better
And within minutes of the first fight that fell after my decision
You reminded me...
I now contributed nothing to this household
Which meant I would then be solely obliged to you
In every manner, shape and form
Until anything, including school was obliterated

Do you remember how you would wait for the silence of the moment
Those minutes where you're not awake, and not asleep at the same time
More like drifting towards that deep wonderful sleep
When everything spiraling around you is perfectly still and it is only the crickets that can be heard
Then all of a sudden "SLAM" you would hit that big wooden headboard with everything you had
Man, I would jump out of my skin, through the ceiling
And you would say, "oh I didn't mean to wake you baby, I'm so sorry,
You're tired, I understand, go back to sleep baby, shhh it's ok"
How many would you repeat that in a night, four, five times maybe
Enough I guess until you got bored and my eyes were so blood shot by time the morning came

But I began to learn how to fight back didn't I
I remembered where I came from, how I had been raised
By a mother who had nothing, but gave everything to her children
Two, three jobs sometimes, factories, chemical plants, endless alternating shifts
And a father who had everything and then some, including the skill to completely disregard his family and their needs while he traveled the world
I believe I was a very spoiled Daddy's girl at some point in my life until I began to you grow into that constant reminder of his past
Just like I was a reminder of your past wasn't I
Highly opinionated and no longer willing to sell my soul to the devil
His past, my mother who taught us everything about caring for ourselves and all the things that matter most in this world
I shared with you everything about her, how could you think I would be any different
She would say that as long as you learned how to take care of yourself it would never matter what someone else has or holds over you because you'd know in your heart you'll be able to make on your own terms in your own way, in your own time for all the right reasons.

It was then I made sure I was again a contributor
Everyday, silently planning my escape, little by little
Oh the spoons I would buy one day
As the night would fall I would force myself to stay awake
"Just want to finish watching this I would say", go to bed I'll be up soon
You didn't listen though, in fact you got worse
What was your response, oh yes, "no, I just sleep here until you're ready"
Pointing at the floor to this space next to my feet
It was a bit creepy to say the least, but I humored you for my own sanity
Because the minute I knew you were fast into dreamland, I would sneak off to another room and sleep the most peaceful sleep
You caught on though didn't you
I tried to tell you a million times, it was coming
That moment when all feeling in me would be gone
And once it left it wasn't coming back ever
I tried to tell you, because I know myself better than anyone
Stop pushing me the way you do because once it begins there will be no turning back
It'll be that second when you realize you could dance a Irish Jig naked across the streets of Manhattan with five other women and I wouldn't even flinch
Only smile and wave
But, you didn't want to hear it, and you kept at it didn't you
Reminding me of everything I don't do for you
Those damn spoons
How I'd never make it on my own

Do you want to know something
At the very end I would go out with my friends and I would seriously look for women you could cheat on me with, date, run away with, whatever
I would've brought them to you
But I realized I could not do that to another woman
I couldn't put them through that unrelenting torment
Especially with that final straw arrived

Can you see it in your mind, I don't think I'll ever forget
Pinning me to that sofa, looking into my eyes, telling me in no uncertain terms that you would be taking what you want whether I'm willing to give it or not
You didn't take anything that night, did you
Somehow, someway I found that strength that sent chills down your spine
Me, the little blonde girl who can barely lift a box, found some sort of inhuman strength
Maybe it was just the adreneline but it was there none the less
When I flung you clear across that room
You must of seen the brown of my eyes turn black because I saw the fear in yours
I promised you right then and there that if you were, at any given time, to even lift a finger just to tap me on the shoulder, I would break it and you would never touch another person as long as you lived
And we both knew I wasn't lying
Wrong, violence is absolutely, without a doubt wrong in every way
But I can guarantee you, unless you have some prophetic dream that tells you unequivocally you're allowed to touch me,
Well then that promise still holds true today
Twelve years, one week, five days, eight hours later

A month later my father crossed that final plane
I cried harder than I had in so long, regardless of the bitterness that passed between him and I
I realized that life is too short to spend it trapped in a box full of anger
Some of my friends, even my brothers asked me afterwards how I was not offended by what my father had left to me, when my stepmother back then walked away much like Leona Helmsley's dog today, but a lot less cute
All I could say was what they all perceived to be just about nothing was in fact everything to me
And like a gift sent from the Heavens, my father, the man who had disregarded us for so long must have thought about me for just the shortest of moments, just long enough to give me the wings that set me free to fly
My father was the one who saved me when everyone else was so blinded by the lies and they refused to believe
And I am thankful everyday of my life for that

So here it is twelve years, one week, five days, eight hours later
Amazingly enough I never held what you did to me against another
I knew you were one in a million
I think though sometimes I still carry some of it with me
Like that constant need I have to always be the one to take care of me
That stubbornness that does not allow me to ask for help
I'm so tired sometimes of being the one to do it all, but I have to
I have to be the one to do it all
I can't allow myself to become that obligation again
I just can't
And maybe I don't have very much, I struggle through every paycheck
But that's ok
Because I got enough food on the table, a pretty descent apartment in neighborhood that isn't so bad
Hell, even that idiot Bon Jovi, his mother has a house just down the street
So I did make it on my own, in my own way, my own time
And nobody, not even you can take it away
This bill I got, I guess I'll just pay it and be done with it
It'll be the last time you'll get to me
I'm better now, stronger
In the twelve years, one week, five days, and eight hours I've been away
I've learned the way it's supposed to be

P.S I got my own spoons now you jack***

SilverAngelFire2007




Author's Location: Coral Springs, Florida
More Poems: SilverAngelFire has posted 204 additional poems- View them?
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