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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 14,841,751  

Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 26704


Posted: February 1st. 2007 6:11:12 PM

Views: 1701

Resignation from Grief

by Phronesus Disegno

Age Group: Adult

When someone says,
"Don't kill yourself, "
An anger comes to me...
Is it because
When I am gone
They won't get more from me?

"Just think of all
The friends you have,
How you'll leave THEM to feel."
Why must it be
All about THEM?
When "I" now need to heal?

Such friends they are
To cause me guilt,
To base me on THEIR need!
But then I think,
Am "I" my friend?
This thought is wise to heed.

For in the past
When life was tough
Each step seemed like a mile;
I still moved on
And always found
It only lasts a while.

Those ups and downs
Will come around
Much like the Moon and Sun,
Both light and dark
Shall terminate
But soon will have begun.

Am "I" my friend?
I've come so far,
And overcome much fear;
Such friends they are
To let me know
How much they need me here.

With no one else
Yet not alone;
Each time, we made it through;
Those ~WILD~ angels!
They kept us safe
Watching over me and you.

When someone says,
"Don't kill yourself, "
Sometimes it seems to be...
Is it because
If I am gone
They can't share life with me?

"Just think of all
The friends you have,
How you'll leave THEM to feel."
My God... they're right.
THEY loved me through,
And THEY helped me to heal.

Author's Notes: So many times when external influences (like an irreconcilable job situtation) have caused me to gradually, but surely, sink into a severe depression, I have always gone into that frame of mind where I just couldn't stand even an ounce of negativity; and by doing this I shielded myself by thinking the worst possible scenario was the safest one to believe would happen... after all, if it happened, I would have been prepared for it; and if it didn't happen, I would be pleasantly surprised that it didn't.

Now that, at least in my case, is truly a temporary but real mental illness. Not the dramatic type of mental illness you see in freak shows on T.V. where everyone gets slashed to bits, but the actual medical definition where in real life you just sit there and suffer because you don't know what else to do, and the prospect of change seems like too great of a risk because the last thing you need is for everything to get even worse than it already is. And when you're in pain, that is all you notice; the thought of one day NOT having that pain seems perfectly ridiculous because it's too far in the future to offer any comfort in the present.

Depression doesn't always mean "sadness", but it sometimes does. I was not actually sad about anything. I simply felt despair, not seeing any hope or relief in the future, just work, work, work with no reward. Day in and day out I was overworked and unappreciated at my job, isn't everybody? ;-) . No really, I was. It had it's good times, for sure, but as far as not having any hope for the future, I was correct -- but only in the context of THAT particular job.

And it was a shame that I had placed too much of my own identity in that job. I wanted my job to love me back... but unfortunately paychecks can't buy my love, no matter how much I would have liked it to be so. Well, maybe if there were a few extra zeros added to the amount I was getting, ..., on second thought, nah. What good is money if you work such long hours that you are too exhausted to spend it, or if you take a vacation but can't enjoy it because all you think about is the mess that will be waiting once you get back to work? Hmph.

Once I resigned after eight years, I explored new opportunities (with the help of life-saving recruiters for my profession) , and now have some excellent leads for my next job. I looked back at all the lack of hope I once had, and wondered... "What was I thinking? I was wrong about a lot of things, and I needed a CHANGE in order to see that there was more to life than the difficult path I was on."

Death and rebirth. And isn't it difficult to allow something to die, even if it has been causing you pain, just because it was something you had for a long time and are intimately familiar with every aspect of it? But yeah, the time had come to let the job go. Ironically, I do have a sense of loss. I suppose that means I am only human. But now I also have a genuinely hopeful outlook on the future. And would you believe, my libido is back with a vengeance? Wait... did I just say that out loud? Oops. :-) You'll have to excuse me, I'm just happy again after having left a job that was like taking a loooong walk, on a short road. hee-hee.

New job prospects have already become apparent, and today is only one day after my final day at the previous job. And it isn't so incidental that the worst case scenario NEVER even came CLOSE to happening. ;-)

* "Wild angels" is a reference to the song "Wild Angels" sung by Martina McBride, written by Gary Harrison and Harry Stinson, released September 26, 1995. Copyright RCA Records.

Author's Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
More Poems: Phronesus Disegno has posted 630 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Phronesus Disegno - Click HERE
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