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 Page: Profile: Poetry   Total Views: 10,866,064  



Poem Specs

VxPoem ID: 32137

Category:
devotional

Posted: February 18th. 2008 4:53:32 AM

Views: 1140

Beyond the Storm

by Phronesus Disegno

Age Group: Adult



Dear God,
Dear Goddess,
I don't know who to pray to anymore.

So close was the end of my life.
So incredibly close.

Glaring hospital lights on the ceiling.
Blood tests.
IVs in my arms.
Blood pressure monitors.
Blood oxygen monitors.
Heart monitors.
Breathing monitors.
Right there on the screen, so neatly graphed.
Such pleasant colors.
What a nice graph my heartbeat produces.
I never saw it before.
For everything, there is a first time.
A flashing symbol of my heartbeat,
An icon of a heart in Venus green,
Somehow still alive within me.
I looked at it,
And smiled for the first time,
From a place so deep in my soul,
I had almost forgotten it existed.

Sleep deprivation.
Sensory deprivation.
Negligence of required medications.
The ceiling to stare at,
And my only friend, yesterday.

False compassion.
Anxiety.
And a partner in the same room,
Clearly much worse off than I.
Yet in a time of sorrow and sadness,
He simply said, "Hang in there, friend,
I don't know you, but I care."

And a tear came to my eye as my heart felt,
As I quietly thought to myself,
"Thanks, man. I love you too."

There is a greater power than I,
But try as I may,
It has no definition.

I am lost.
Yet there are new opened doors all around me.
Where do I go now?
Can I change my mind?

Do I have a choice?
Can I create my own doors?

I wonder.

Misplaced identity.
Paths barely touched, but ones
Ones that make me feel alive again.
Ones that seem backward,
Just to move forward.

Nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing is sure.
Nothing is perfect.
Nothing is completed.

I am not alone.
Good people at heart,
Cloaking feelings with artificial means.
Learning how not to do that anymore.
Learning they are not alone.
My own learning, I am not alone.

God? Goddess? Someone? Anyone?
You lay the answer in my hand,
Yet I cannot see it now.
How ironic that in Your physical absence,
Your place in my soul is reaffirmed.

One thing is for sure,
Even if all other options didn't quite work out,
Or maybe they did for the best,
I don't know yet.
It all led to this moment.
So much confusion...
But one thing is for sure.

When I abandoned You,
When I abandoned myself,
When so close was the end of my life,

You were there.
Simply and patiently waiting.

And now I am here.
It wasn't supposed to happen,
But it did.

All previous plans thrown to oblivion,
For they should not have been relevant anymore.
Is this the cleared path to start again?

I can only offer a silent smile in response.
Let me think in solitude for a while.
It's about time I love myself.
And it's about time for me,
To learn about things,
About myself,
That I never knew.

I think I'm going to like what I discover.
For once, it really is about me.
For once, the center of my being
Is not as far away as I once thought.
For once, rock bottom is falling away from me
Inch by inch, and day by day,
I have reason to look up to the sky,
And know,
And believe,
There is now a reason.

Perhaps I should offer thanks.
But to Whom?

Whoever you are,
God,
Goddess,
One great big and bright blur
In the forefront of my own imagination,
Forfeiting all scientific method,
Yet adhering to it in full force,
The faith and the knowledge work together.
Somehow, someway.

Thank you.

Thank you in my convalescence.

Thank you for the recognition I received,
Just for being "me",
For seeing who I am,
When my mirror was lost to hopelessness.

And,

Thank you for seeing beyond the storm for me,
When I could not do it by myself.




Author's Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
More Poems: Phronesus Disegno has posted 627 additional poems- View them?
Author's Profile: To learn more about Phronesus Disegno - Click HERE
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